How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?

"Everyone’s an infinitely loved, broken person in a fleeting, often not-so-fair, gorgeous, lovely, unexplainable world." - James Finley

How can you mend a broken heart?

How can you stop the rain from falling down?

Tell me, how can you stop the sun from shining?

What makes the world go 'round?

How can you mend this broken man? Yeah

How can a loser ever win?

Somebody please help me mend my broken heart

And let me live again.

-Sung by Al Green, Written by Barry & Robbin Gibb

Idea #1 - Choose Love & Shake It

That's what I tell my customers in the checkout line.

Sometimes they ask why I am in such a good mood. So, I tell them straight out:

I feel good when I choose love.

Why is that, they say.

I tell them it's because my heart's been broken. Multiple times.

That's when they get really interested - or confused! In any case, I have their attention. Which is good. So, I don't say anything. This tends to increase interest.

Then some customers ask: Why would you choose love when you're heart's been broken?

I usually say something like this:

"The broken heart, once healed, is more resilient. And, contrary to common thinking, the more often it gets broken, the stronger it grows, the more able to love. "

This is not what I think. It's what I've experienced. I am 65 years old. I have seen loved ones, relationships, and many of my cherished dreams suffer, falter, and die. And yet, today I feel more vibrant than ever. I have a greater capacity to endure. I have a greater capacity to enjoy. And the sorrow is always there, too, as close as my shadow when I walk in the sunshine.

How can that be so?

Isn't a broken man, who suffers repeatedly, doomed to misery?

Nope.

I will include some ideas from people far wiser than me a little further down. But here is the essence of my approach:

• About 30 years ago, a personal and familial crisis taught me that my heart has the capacity to choose love - no matter what happens to me. When I choose love, I am able to start again - no matter what happens to me. When I start again, I remember. I have made this trip before. First stop - loss and despair. Second stop - truth, grief, and grounding as I hit bottom and find that emptiness also grants a kind of freedom. I worry less. I enjoy more. I remember this, too: that love always has the capacity to heal. No matter how deep the grief or illness. Love is a superpower and it comes as standard equipment in every infinite heart that beats in every broken (and infinite) human being.

I tell my customers that loss has hollowed my heart out like a dried gourd. With seeds inside that rattle.

So every now and then.... I shake myself a little. And listen for that resonant rattle. I re-state my intention to choose love and then dance with life whenever possible. I celebrate if I can. And when I do, the seeds in the gourd turn an old squash into a percussion instrument.

Yee haw!

How can you mend a broken heart?

Shake it.

Confession

The Fierce Blue Eyes of Joy - Her clothes are old and faded. But her eyes shine with the fierce intensity of a cloudless blue sky in the mountains. This is striking to me because she's just told me she has breast cancer. We stand at Checkout 6 in an ordinary supermarket. Yet, I feel transported to a holy place, a place of great honor, where I may witness remarkable courage and joy face-to-face. Here's how it unfolds. The woman, in her early 40s, asks me how I am doing. I answer that I woke up this morning and checked if I was breathing, and when I realized I was, I knew it would be a good day. She nods to me. She says that she does the same. Then, in a soft voice, quite matter of fact, she adds: "I have breast cancer." She says she was supposed to die two months ago. But here she is today in the supermarket buying bok choy and Cheerios. We laugh. . . But I feel shy. I don't have a terminal diagnosis. I check my breathing in the morning to remind myself not to take my life for granted. She checks her breathing because she's not sure if she will wake up each day. Yet, there is this fierce joy in her eyes. Blazing. Just blazing. It's breathtaking. I mumble something about being inspired by her. I ask her how she stays positive. "Appreciation," she says. Just one word. But it impacts me like a thunder clap. On the edge of death, she's grateful. . . What a warm, defiant, resounding affirmation of life and its irrepressible blessings. . . . She pauses. I have no words. "Good talking with you," she says. Then she walks away.

Idea #2 - Make Space

I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees.

And misty memories of days gone by.

But we could never see tomorrow.

No one ever told us about the sorrow.

So how can you mend a broken heart?

As Al Green and the Gibb brothers made plain in their song, sorrow is inevitable. We can't stop the rain or the sunshine. Being human means we will experience suffering as well as joy. No one gets to escape loss. But no one is excluded from love either.

So what can we do? Especially when we are hurting.

Here's my second idea:

Make space by acknowledging what is. Make space for your experience and the truth of what you feel. Make space for others and their experiences. Then hold that space, including any conflicting truths, without judgment. Accept multiple perspectives and narratives. Neither approve, nor disapprove. Greet paradox as an old friend. Invite her in for coffee and conversation. You can never find forgiveness and resilience at the end of a one-way street.

This begs the question: How do you make space?

The answer: Take a step backward.

This affords us a chance to change our perspective. Like when we step back to take in the full height of a tree or a mountain. Except we are stepping back to take in the full breadth and depth of life. In and around us. Moment by moment.

This may sound difficult. Like too much work. I get it. We all have our habits and fears that make change hard.

But don't admit defeat before you begin.

Just step back and look and watch. Let go of the heaviness for just a moment. Even if you have to pretend. And for one single moment, give witness to your life without judgment. Is there anything to be appreciated? Even a tiny thing? How does it feel just to see - without blame or shame?

I've found that one of the best paths to healing for me is to welcome the world and the people around me - whoever they are. [1]

This is my experience:

I come to the end of things as I know them. I am devastated. But the end of things as I know them is not the end of the story. Nor the end of me. It is just a reminder that it may be a good time to start again. With acceptance. With a wider perspective. With greater tenderness and compassion. With deeper respect for the wisdom and love that are alive in all eventuality. This is the discovery that awaits me even in the darkest of times. If I am open to it.?

"In the larger-than-life people I have met, I always find one common denominator: in some sense, they have all died before they died—and thus they are larger than death . . . At some point, they were led to the edge of their private resources, and that breakdown, which surely felt like dying, led them into a larger life. . . . Each time I learn to let go of what I thought was necessary for my own happiness, I invariably find myself in a larger place, a larger space, a deeper union, a greater joy." -- Richard Rohr

Idea #3 - Practice Truth-telling

"My belief is that when you’re telling the truth, you’re close to God. If you say to God, “I am exhausted and depressed beyond words, and I don’t like You at all right now, and I recoil from most people who believe in You,” that might be the most honest thing you’ve ever said. If you told me you had said to God, “It is all hopeless, and I don’t have a clue if You exist, but I could use a hand,” it would almost bring tears to my eyes, tears of pride in you, for the courage it takes to get real—really real. It would make me want to sit next to you at the dinner table.?So prayer is our sometimes real selves trying to communicate with the Real, with Truth, with the Light. - Anne Lamott [3]

Anne Lamott does a great job of describing the connective power of truth. But some people reading here may not resonate with the idea of prayer. No worries. Let your pen or your phone or your computer be the vehicle for your truth-telling.

Just write down what you feel and what you understand and all the authentic perspectives you can muster on your present situation. Start with a tender acceptance for your current state. Then be ruthless about seeking the firm ground of truth.

For me, when something is true, I feel it resonate in my body. I recommend you listen for these moments when you write. Read your words out-loud. See how the syllables feel in your mouth and how they land in your ears and your heart. When it feels true, write all you can in that vein. Don't spare your ego, but don't descend into self-bashing and blame, as James Finley points out in the footnote below. [2] Blame and shame are always disguises for suffering. They won't get you to the truth.

You will know the truth when you write it. Even if it is a hard truth, it will feel fair. It will feel solid. And oddly, it will also feel liberating.

Love to you all. And to all those you love.

Please remember that you have an infinite heart . - even if it's broken.

Remember that your ability to mend your broken heart is infinite, too.

: )

Confession

On a different note, let me end with another story from my work as a cashier. This one made me smile.

A Certain Urgent Look - Two young women come into the supermarket. Friends. They talk hurriedly to one another. Shoulder-to-shoulder. Touching each other's arms. But they can’t agree on something. One points in the direction of the produce section. The other emphatically gestures towards the crackers and candy aisle. They do a little tug of war. It catches my attention. Seldom do shoppers disagree in such a dramatic way.... Then it dawns on me. I understand what's going on. I call to them from the self-checkout section. "This way!” They both look. I pivot and point - with my 6-foot-6 wingspan - in a new direction, along the front of the store. I am smiling. They hustle up to me. I whisper to them the information they seek. . . “How did you know?” says one woman. full of surprise. . .“There was a certain urgent look in your eyes,” I say. They laugh as they run all the way to the restroom and relief.

[1] Learn more about spiritual companionship here - yes, it's actually a vocation. Experienced spiritual directors and companions make space and hold space, so others may find their own paths to wisdom, healing and joy.

[2] "It’s bad enough you had to go through the trauma, but what’s worse is we’re punitive with ourselves and … it creates the secrecy of a shame-based identity. One is afraid that if anyone would really see what I’m really like inside, no one would love me. Do you know why? Because I see what I’m really like and I don’t love me. ….?Every trauma survivor knows the issue isn’t what was done to me. The issue is what everything that was done to me did to me and that I’ve internalized it . . . It’s the idolatry of brokenness over the Love that loves us as invincibly precious in our brokenness." - James Finley

[3] I am very grateful to the Center for Action and Contemplation for their wonderful Daily Meditations publication. It is free to anyone. I draw inspiration from it every week and the quotes in this post all come from various meditations the CAC has shared. You can sign up for the free emails here .