How can you help a colleague who doesn't ask for help?

We all know someone - maybe even several people - like this.

You can see that they are struggling. That they aren’t happy. That they are ploughing themselves into their work and staying busy, and are - as far as most people are concerned - “OK”. But YOU can tell that they aren’t “OK”. You can tell that something is up - but it is a hunch, based on subtle signs.

You may have noticed:

?? They haven’t joined the rest of the team for lunch in a while

?? They don’t seem to be taking breaks, and appear glued to their desk

?? It is taking longer than usual for them to complete tasks

?? They used to bring positive energy to the office, but now they are quieter and seem preoccupied

?? You have noticed some errors in their e-mails or other writing, which is out of character because they are usually so careful to double-check things

?? They are more defensive than usual in meetings

?? They leave their camera off in Teams / Zoom calls

?? If you say “How are you?”, you tend to get a short answer - e.g. “I’m fine thanks. You?”

Some people are an open book. They tell you if they are going through difficulties at home. Even if you don’t particularly want to hear about their difficulties, at least you know about them. But others suffer in silence and keep themselves to themselves, meaning you have to rely on observing small signs like the list above. If you are an empathic, emotionally-intelligent person, you will be more likely to notice the subtle things.

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So, what can YOU do?

Firstly, it is important to check in with YOURSELF. What exactly is it that you have noticed? Is there a chance that you are projecting some of yourself into this person? In other words, are YOU “ok”? Sometimes we notice things in others which we have ‘split off’ and would find uncomfortable seeing in ourselves.?

Assuming that you HAVE checked in with yourself and are sure that this other person IS showing signs of being unhappy, then it is also important to remind yourself that it is not YOUR responsibility to fix them. You can try to help them - absolutely - but don’t take on their wellbeing as your job to fix.?

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NOW, what can you do?

It starts with kindness. A smile. Something that catches their attention. If they are caught up in their own world, then something that catches them off guard (in a good way) can be helpful. But nothing big, or loud, or that exposes them to the whole team. Maybe send something light-hearted over Teams.?

A well-timed, genuine “How are you?”, or “Are you OK?” can go a long way. Not when walking past them in a corridor, nor in front of others. It needs to be at a time when they can answer, and you can respond.

Ask TWICE. The likely response to the first question will be “I’m fine” or “I’m ok” - but asking a second time can be very powerful. “Are you sure you’re ok?”. Depending on relationship between you, you could say something like, “I’ve noticed you’ve been a bit quiet today. Is everything ok” (or words to that effect).?

Don’t expect the response to be ‘good’. They may be defensive or even seem offended that you have asked. But if you have done it in a genuine, kind way, looking them in the eye and smiling, then you will have planted a seed. You could say something like “I’m here if you would ever like to talk” or “You don’t need to go through this alone” - something that is open-ended and not too invasive.

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In an ideal world, everyone would be in therapy, having regular meetings with a counsellor and working through their challenges (which we all have). But these things cannot be compulsory. Counselling is really only effective if someone CHOOSES to have it.

In the same way, your colleague may need to talk to someone, but it will only be effective if they CHOOSE to do so. Coming back to the point above: This person’s problems aren’t YOURS to fix. You can certainly be kind and help them to acknowledge that they aren’t OK; and you can help point them in the right direction for counselling or other practical support if they ask you… but this needs to come from them.

Now, ask yourself again.?

Are YOU ok??

ARE you ok?

If you can relate to any of the topics above and would like to talk with someone privately, away from colleagues, family and friends, then you are welcome to get in touch. Purpose Mentoring with Steve Twinley was created for this exact reason.