Mending A Broken Heart (including playlist)

Once upon a time, in a far away land, a very enthusiastic professional salesperson moved across the country to work for the corporate office of the organization for which she was affiliated. She had been lucky enough to discover her place in the business world, found her niche, and success. The CEO of the company she represented had asked her to move to headquarters to head up one of the new initiatives with the organization. She was over the moon! A dream come true. 

We all know that nothing feels better than the engulfment of being valued. 

Business happened to be her “thing”. Sales to be exact. There was a bit of adjustment to the new environment. Leaving everything familiar is not always easy. Her transition, however, was relatively painless. The new position was exciting. Building something new was her favorite thing. It was a plus that she liked change, so she dove in, headfirst. Things were not perfect, but there was an open-door policy with the CEO.  The culture of the organization was such that, when discussion was necessary or adjustments needed to be made, the discussions were welcomed by the CEO, with an open heart and an open mind. 

It was always okay to have discussions. It was always okay to bring up a concern, and it was okay to have her own opinion. And yes, at times there was a disagreement, or two. It was still okay to be herself …she was valued. She loved the organization like it were her own. She treated it like her own. 

Being valued begets gratitude, resiliency, inspiration, innovation, and most importantly, taught her to value others. 

She wasn’t perfect, who is? Working in this culture, of being valued, changed her forever. Forever for the good, and also for what was to come.  

Fast forward, several years later, the “dream weaver”, the CEO of the organization, passed away. Those that he’d influenced retained the lessons he’d taught. The organization fell into the hands of quite a different owner and leadership. One that didn’t value others. Your imagination can take it from here. The popular saying “an organization will never surpass the mentality of its leadership", was true. The organization’s culture took on the persona of its new leadership…one of disregard, marginalization, and undervaluation. Soon thereafter, the unraveling began. In total denial, she watched as most of the foundation of the organization was terminated or was asked to resign. She, having been affiliated for over 20+ years, also left the organization. She was BROKEN HEARTED and to make it worse, in denial about the broken heart.

This person is me, however, all of us, at one time or the other, will experience a HEART BREAK. 

When I mention “BROKEN HEART” the first thing that comes to mind is a romantic relationship. This example was from a bit different angle. Let me throw a "kink in our logic" here.  My broken heart was relationship based, but not as you might assume. Yes, it involved humans. But it wasn’t romantic… it was business...my JOB. Hear me out.  I realize that to many, the first thing you will think and maybe want to YELL to me is that “you shouldn’t take your job so seriously?” Okay, I get that, if you really believe, a job is just a job. I don’t endorse that mindset.

To 'back-it-up' and define job from my, and lots of others', perspective:

JOB AS ROBIN DEFINES IT:

• A direct extension of myself
•  Where I receive the most reward and joy
• My place in the world
• Where I get to connect with other humans of like mind
• Where I get to connect with other humans of like mind and lead them to an ‘AHA!’
• Where I get to connect with other humans of like mind, and they lead ME to an ‘AHA!’

Leaving the organization was the right thing to do, and it LITERALLY broke my heart. I was in struggle.

Why do we struggle so when our heart is broken? When our heart is broken the same instincts we have always trusted to get us through the hard spots in the past, fail us. Our mind tells us the wrong things to get over heartbreak. Humans need explanations when relationships go awry.  Heartbreak creates such emotional pain, our mind tells us the cause must be really severe.

This gut instinct can be so powerful that our mind makes up volumes of stories, to match the pain we are feeling. But we can’t trust the mind at this point. Again, it is leading us down the precise WRONG path. 

We try to figure out where we went wrong. It must be our fault, that we were so undervalued. We continue to try to rationalize the why. We are convinced we will find the why. And we feel worse and worse about ourselves. When heart broken, our brains experience a phenomenon much like an addict experiences when withdrawing from their substance of choice. We go through withdrawal and it continues for a long time. We extend the pain by trying to figure out what we did wrong. Heartbreak is only extended by trying to figure it all out. When we have a genuine heartbreak, we literally must fight with all that is in us to recover.

When in the midst of heartbreak, emotions can derail us further. You may need more powerful weapons. 

NO explanation you come up with is going to make you feel better or heal you. We tend to be unaware of this.  Studies tell us that the broken hearted do all the wrong things. They search and search for answers, when they shouldn’t. There are NO answers. It’s better to make up an answer, rather than search for one. The key is to put the need to know to rest, otherwise we may never find closure. The remains of the broken heart can linger for months, years, decades, and sometimes a lifetime.

It’s cliché, but the broken heart must "LET IT GO!"

If not, the mind will feed on hope and no forward movement happens. No healing. When we are heart broken, emotions can manifest into many forms; hate being one of the manifestations. A broken heart can’t recover through hate.

Idealizing whatever, or whoever caused the brokenness will do nothing but extend the pain. In the state of brokenness, we play out instances in our heads, over and over, such as ‘that one time’ we are sure “they” valued us. Instead of remembering all the times we were devalued, we remember that ONE time we 'thought' they may have listened to a word we’d said, or a suggestion we’d made. You see, our mind will tell us very little truth during this time; that the situation was a perfect one, and somehow we must have ruined it. It couldn’t have been them.

In reality, it wasn’t you and it wasn’t them, rather, it was BOTH. 

The relationship, that caused the heartbreak, was one of incompatibility. To heal, you must remind yourself of this over and over and over and over. 

Heartbreak can make everything seem like a struggle. It’s hard to focus; it’s hard to be motivated. Sometimes, we feel like throwing in the towel. Sometimes, we do. 

Heartbreak shares the same feelings of loss and grief that we experience when losing a loved one to death.

It’s real * It's soul crushing * It's injury

We may lose our identity for a time. Heartbreak can leave many voids. Back to leaving a job, for instance. We sometimes lose the essence of what makes us tick, our everyday friends, familiarity of surroundings, etc. All of this equals “security”. That security is a facade. The absence of that "security" is unexpected, and oh, so painful.

Undervaluation is also painful and is deceiving. Over time, it can be devastating.

We must find the strength and access the wisdom to stop giving the undervaluing organization or person the “starring role” in the scenarios our mind conjures up.

You can help yourself move past the heartbreak by deciding to fill the voids with other things, BETTER THINGS. Upon realizing this was truly a battle in my mind, one that only I could win, I began to triumph! I began to recover by learning about HEARTBREAK, and I’m sharing a glimpse of that with you. 

The most important thing I learned, that accelerated my healing, was around

self-awareness and mindfulness.

THIS is the foundation of my life after devaluation.

Suggested Playlist: 

Undone – The Sweater Song - Weezer - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHQqqM5sr7g

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart – Bee Gees - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZInWGC5L2T8

Sad Songs - Elton John - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X23v5_K7cXk

Roar – Katy Perry - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CevxZvSJLk8

Fight Song – Rachel Platten - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc

Put Your Records On – Corinne Bailey Rae https://www.youtube.com/watchv=rjOhZZyn30k

Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper and Sarah McLachlan - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpA7VdxeVcI

True Colors - Cyndi Lauper - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94DZvLlwGjM

Feel It Still – Portugal The Man - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBkHHoOIIn8

Let It Go - Elsa - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0MK7qz13bU (yeah my sense of humor is back, too!)

Author: Robin Mottern [email protected]