How can we have better arguments?

I have a funny old relationship to conflict. I love to disagree about my work and battle with ideas. With friends and family, however, I run as fast as I can from confrontation. I find even the prospect stressful. I know “conflict avoidant” relationships, whether that be in the workplace or in a couple, are often channeled into passive aggression but I still struggle with the idea of “productive conflict.”

I want to dig deeper into conflict: To understand when we should engage in it, when we should avoid it, and find out if it really can be productive?

So, this week’s Rethink is a special guest edition with Ian Leslie, author of the brilliant new book Conflicted. We had a fascinating conversation about the role of conflict in relationships and the unexpected positive benefits it can have.?

Here are the five takeaways from our discussion that challenged me to rethink conflict:

1: Most of us are bad at disagreeing.

Ian Leslie: “Disagreeing productively is hard. Evolution has not equipped us for it. Nor is it something for which we get trained…That needs to change, or else our increasingly vociferous disagreements are destined to generate heat without light.”

Have you ever been taught how to productively disagree? I haven’t. Like anything in life where we don’t feel adequately prepared, our natural response is avoidance —?flight.?

Productive disagreement is a skill and discipline we need to learn and practice. Whether it’s parents arguing with their children or bickering couples, the advice and the goal shouldn’t be to argue less but to argue well. Avoiding conflict is a roadblock to resolving problems and for any relationship moving forward.

2: New ideas can’t come from pointless disagreement.

Ian Leslie: “A purposeful disagreement takes two and two and makes five. A pointless disagreement isn’t interested in creating something new.”

If we go into an argument purely to win, to dominate the other, nothing new is created. I now think of productive or “purposeful conflict” as a creative act. Conflict, by its very nature, requires tension and therefore creates energy. Great creative partnerships argue because it can lead to forward momentum and to a new way of looking at things.?

Venture capitalist Ben Horowitz put it so well when he said,?“Most business relationships either become too tense to tolerate or not tense enough to be productive after a while.” In other words, disagreement around a problem or idea is a sign that someone cares enough to disagree.?It’s a sign of respect and engagement. You need that tension for new insights and ideas.

3: By avoiding?conflict, you’re missing out.

Ian Leslie: “Couples who never get into arguments are actually often drifting apart without noticing it. They’re working with an outdated model of the other person. When you don’t have these arguments, don’t get this information about the other person, the differences don’t go away.”

Wow, this was a big Rethink moment for me in the conversation. I’ve never thought of “conflict as information” (Nickola Overall, psychology professor). A powerful way to shift our association with conflict is to see it as an opportunity?to learn about others. You can benefit a lot from a productive row. What does the other party really care about? How do they see the situation? So, we’re missing out by not airing our differences.?

4: A "good team player" disagrees openly and speaks their mind.

Ian Leslie: “If you have a team of diverse people in every sense sitting around a table, and they’re all agreeing with each other…then?you’re not unlocking the benefits of diversity. You’re not getting all the benefits of different perspectives and ways of seeing the world.”

For decades, organizations have emphasized the importance of getting along in the workplace. The assumption was that conflict was bad for productivity. I get it, but struggle with the idea of a “good team player” being someone who fits in well and is agreeable. Dissenters are often disliked because they make other people uncomfortable. Even the word “disagreeable” has come to mean something or someone we don’t like. But discomfort can be productive.?

A good team player should mean someone who is prepared to speak their mind and challenge other people openly. As Ian puts it, “Disagreement unlocks the benefits of diversity.”

5: To disagree well, you need to let go of being right.

Ian Leslie: “I think curiosity is the antidote to polarization, judgmentalism, and defensiveness, whether it’s between two people or a whole country.”

Disagreeing productively requires two parties?to feel like they are working with, not against, each other. And that requires trust that there is?a shared intention. One of the key things to disagreeing well is learning how to let go of egoism — the need to be seen as right. To loosen the grip of “the righting reflex,”?to fix the other person or put them right.

Ultimately, it involves giving up trying to dominate what the other person thinks. The best way to do that is to learn how to replace control with curiosity. It gets you out of attack/defense mode. Curiosity is the key to surprise and wonder as to how someone else has arrived at their point of view. It helps unlock a conversation stuck on what someone believes and move it into the why.

Next time you feel a disagreement brewing with a colleague or friend, don’t jump in with the intention to win. Instead, be curious about different viewpoints and try using them to see things in a new way.

Warmly,

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