(how) Can we do better for working mothers?

PROLOGUE: Views are my own.? Although I dug deep into the research to bring facts, figures, and context to this conversation, ultimately I can only share my lived experience and my takes which are laden with assumptions about what one might want out of career and family.? Discussions of American motherhood are particularly loaded minefields, but without open-hearted discussion we risk continuing to divide ourselves from ourselves; let us seek connection despite the potential discomfort.? And for those that want to hear true expertise, consider picking up Nobel Laureate Claudia Goldin’s book, titled Career & Family: Women's Century-Long Journey toward Equity.?

Taking the last 100 days to step away from work and focus on the biggest transition (and best deliverable!) I’ve ever birthed - literally, has been an incredibly fulfilling but also shockingly emotionally daunting period.? And I don’t mean the late nights and the ever shortening nap cycles (my baby girl is the absolute love of my life but also a jarring throwback to the Battlestar Galactica episode titled “33” - IYKYK).

What I mean is that this enforced period of being away, of genuinely being too tired, too distracted and too in love to pick up my work phone has been an unexpected phase shift.? A moment outside time, where, unable to focus on climbing the mountain, or even refining skills to be a better mountain climber, I’ve been forced to stand still and really take in the scenery.? For me, I am not sure any other set of circumstances would have forced me to truly take stock the way these past months have.??

The U.S. continues to be 55th in the world when it comes to maternal mortality and although the majority of deaths are associated with direct birth complications, of the 22.3 deaths per 100,000 live births, there continues to be 5.23 deaths by homicide per 100,000 live births.? Homicides in this context are during the course of pregnancy, with pregnant women facing a 20% increase in likelihood of being killed.? Pregnancy has been, and seems set to still be one of the most impactful pre-existing conditions that correlate and cause the death of women, particularly non-white women in the U.S.? If you are lucky enough to come away with both your health and the health of your baby, there are still other negative impacts to the rest of your life which progress has failed to chip away at.??

The post-partum period is particularly tough on women with an estimate of 1 in 5 suffering from postpartum depression (PPD).? At times, PPD can last for months post-birth.? And women do not have months.? Only ~27% of civilian workers in the US have access to any amount of paid leave through their employment.? Access to FMLA, which is unpaid leave, is not universal, requiring you to work full time for a minimum period at an organization of a minimum size.? Thus, something like 1 in 4 mothers returns to work after a mere 2 weeks.??

The postpartum period stresses not just the mother, but the entire family unit.? Having a child is the number one biggest negative for relationship satisfaction in partnered households, with estimates of ~10-20% of marriages ending in divorce in the first years of a child’s life.? Not to mention that the shape of families continues to evolve but we have not yet seen systemic support through policy evolve to match (paid leave is woefully scant for women but at times nonexistent for parents that adopt or foster).??

At the exact moment when mothers need their physical health, their mental health and their support systems the most, the structures around them are not built to keep mothers thriving, or their needs met.? And we have not yet even addressed what motherhood can do to careers and earnings.

In the U.S., women currently make ~84% of what men do, but disaggregated for motherhood, the truth is the majority of the delta is a motherhood penalty with mothers making 62% of what fathers make, a greater gap than the total gender wage gap in 1982.? And yes, the underlying physics of how this comes to be are complex - it is not simply a story of good and evil wherein bad managers penalize women with children out of greed or spite.? Nor, do I believe, does the bulk of this effect lie in the choices women are making around paid work.? Instead, I think we must examine defaults and assumptions that create a set of structural circumstances that in turn become self-fulfilling prophecies.? Even with the best of intentions and great leaders, women are still being failed by the system.? In a world of greedy jobs and winner take all “meritocracy,” the rewards of said meritocracy still typically accrue to those that can make themselves available when others can not, a relative competitive advantage that has a clear gender demarcation when it comes to parenthood and how we are socialized to view motherhood versus fatherhood.??

The advice I’ve gotten along the way has gone every which way - to lean in when others lean out, to outsource all elements of care for my young daughter, particularly when she is young and potentially won’t notice, to hire for the tasks I should set aside to be the executive I want to be.? Or, on the opposite end, to maximize flexibility by seeking out jobs and roles solely for their stability - sacrificing what I must for the now, to build up and coil the spring for later.? As an ever-eager advice seeker, I’ve asked and catalogued it all, the hacks for sleeping less and doing more, the daycare with the longest hours, the ways in which to entreat my partner to take more of the mental load - and yet, what none of this advice has addressed deep in my heart has been, in a world of zero-sum time, what about the payoff of motherhood itself?? What about the joy?? Every hour I make myself available to work, is perhaps more directly rewarded through compensation, advancement, and even in the moment personal fulfillment.? But that same hour is robbed of the joy of the thing I sought so desperately to have in the first place.??

I enjoy my daughter!

From the truly sleepless haze of newborn days, to the absolute wonderment of her three month coos and delightful baby giggles - I have loved it all.? What is heartbreaking is that I have felt ashamed to admit how much I have loved it.??

To admit that I love being my kiddo’s mom feels like saying I love my career less, that I am giving up on what has been a core tenet of my identity.? No other identities have been treated this way or so socially ingrained that I find myself dividing myself like this.? I’m a Cross-fitting executive, and that makes me no less a Crossfit athlete or executive (though you can be sure the hours I’m lifting weights over my head I am not thinking about paid work).? And yet, to say I’m a working mother seems to imply I’m less of a mother and less of a worker, even when the person saying it is me and the person hearing it is just again, me.? Why is that?

Even those with the best of intentions have recreated this tension - dear friends and colleagues, often mothers and fathers themselves, who have enthusiastically warned that going back to work will mean “something different now” and that I’ll “have to be okay with showing up differently.”? By different, and perhaps unintentionally, they have managed to imply less.? Yes, again we come back to the trickiness of hours and availability, fixed items which are truly zero sum and yet - I would like to believe the ways in which I am valued have so much more to do with my impact than my hours and availability, above a base threshold.??

About half of my soul wants to scream back “I don’t HAVE to do anything.”? And the other, more pragmatic, half recognizes that, surely I will.? And most surely I will, if I want to continue to capture the moments of joy, the time, not just the quality time, with this new love of my life, whose very face can capture my attention for hours (especially when she’s sleeping).? The addition of a dependent adds hours of labor into my home that I can’t wish or will away (even if I have the privilege to outsource parts of it).? Women are still doing more than men in households with or without children.? For working parents, working mothers typically do 27.2 hours of combined household care and childcare to working fathers’ 12.9 hours.? And before someone brings us back to differential earnings, know that studies have shown that when working mothers outearn their husbands, the care-work gap at home increases.??

So how best can we all do better?? I’ll be the first to admit I don’t have all the answers, or really, any of the answers, but I’ll throw some things out despite the discomfort:

• Managers and Leaders: Try not to make any assumptions about how a new mother wants to be challenged or about their risk taking appetite.? Questions are better than assumptions. ? However, tread lightly in questions about their support systems at home, their ability to be available after hours or their continued commitment to their job.? Asking these types of questions have embedded in them an assumption that your associate will come back to you “less” than.? In fact, make no assumptions about anything!? Instead, connect deeply with your associate, invest in their development, and recognize that this is a highly vulnerable moment. If anything, take the time to pour even more support towards your associate, without assuming what that support needs to look like (e.g., instead of lowering their work burden, what about raising their resourcing?).? You might even consider taking more risk on an associate at this moment, without assuming they can’t handle it!? Yes, parenthood is a tough transition, full stop, but you know what they say about assumptions

• Fathers and Partners: Step up and step in!? Many of you already carry a share of the load, could you carry even more?? The only way to nudge the averages is for a tidal wave of men to see this as a problem you can own, one to be tackled enthusiastically and for the payoff of not just equity, but joy

• Friends, Colleagues and Internet-at-large: Sharing advice is always welcome but be careful to first audit your advice for any assumptions and know that there are many ways to do a thing like returning to work after the birth of a child.? Often when we share advice, we end up overly prescribing what worked for us, which is itself loaded with assumptions.? See above about assumptions.? That said, do not shut down the conversation!? Avoiding discussing how to support new parents will only entrench the current system and impede progress for all

• Literally Everyone: Vote like your lives depend on it.? The lives of women, whether it be through maternal health outcomes or simply the quality of our day to day existence, depends on real structural policy change.? Many an American oligarch can bemoan the falling fertility rate but what we actually need is policies that prioritize the safety, empowerment, and needs of women, whether they choose to have children or not.? From the ability to govern our own bodies to access to paid leave to affordable childcare options and better protections if we choose to work solely in the home - these things only feel far until the moment they are not

The underlying learning I’ve come to is this, that the birth of a child creates a phase shift, but one that is still mostly carried by the mother.? We ask her to bend by doing more at home and we assume she will do less at work, and therefore penalize her earnings.? And yes, with that bending comes much joy - but, what if we asked the systems around new mothers to bend as well?? Could women then have both the joy and an equitable stake in theirs and their families financial futures?? And women need to be able to secure their financial futures.? Back to the dimensions of physical health, ~41% of women experience intimate partner violence (IPV) at some point in their lives.? Without earnings, the ability to escape IPV is near impossible.??

I will also take this commercial break to say, doing better by mothers will hopefully do better by all, whether they be working fathers, parents who work within the home, single mothers or fathers, caregivers of any stripe as well as anyone who finds joy and rejuvenation in their careers and outside their careers.??

Ultimately, I am under no delusions that I can have it all.? I am, after all, a woman who is alive in the world (see: The Barbie Movie).? I manage to still be excited to jump into this phase of my life and I hope to get through it with my health, my sanity, my marriage and my career intact.? I also hope to maximize the area under the curve for both my earnings and my joy, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask.?

POSTSCRIPT: I would be remiss not to note the privileges I have already been afforded - from a corporation with ample amounts of paid leave to a partner who intends and also acts for equity and a support system of so many friends and family that want to continue this conversation and aren’t afraid of the discomfort of doing so.? As a non-white immigrant with a deep gratitude practice, I do have to quiet the voice in my head that thunders - “You should be grateful for what you already have instead of being difficult and demanding more.”? And yet, for myself, for my daughter, for all - another countervailing voice takes hold.??