How can we create dialogue in virtual conversations?

''I had received an email from my boss over the weekend. The Co - founder and the HR are marked on that email too. It outlined a few tasks where she thought I could contribute and support the team already working on it. This email was an outcome of an earlier conversation with my boss. I had willingly offered my time for other projects. 

Funnily, the HR called me up and asked me to “chill”. I have had some bad experiences with the new hires in our company and she wanted me to take some time to recover from that experience. Instead, she offered me some tasks that are low key and have no visibility with the leadership. 

These conversations took place on email and on the phone. There were a variety of cues missing - verbal, body language, facial expressions...''

This is a first-person description from my coachee Rayya. In the absence of those cues, Rayya's conclusion is that her HR partner doesn’t want her to stand out. Perhaps if I asked the HR partner, he might have said, he did that to take the pressure off her.

How do create psychological safety, a prerequisite for dialogue, when there are so many cues missing? 

What could have been done differently here? 

How should Rayya or the HR have handled it? 

How should Rayya’s boss have approached the situation? 

There are so many aspects to consider here. Let me start with the most obvious one:

Listening

The HR person approached Rayya with the intention to let her off the hook. Rayya didn’t want to be let off, she had volunteered for the extra work.

The first step would have been to listen to the 'why and what' of the situation.

How was Rayya feeling about the extra responsibility? How did that come about? Did she need any kind of support with the extra work? What did she hope to learn with these additional tasks? Why was she volunteering - was it surplus time, surplus expertise or a need for recognition or something else?

I believe all of that warranted conversation and a lot of listening. 

Stay in dialogue

Rayya came away feeling short changed. It will no doubt mar her future conversations with the HR partner. May be the HR partner was less aware of the power that he had used in this situation, or may be he was. It's not uncommon for me to hear 'Nothing that comes from that team is to be taken lightly - they are literally the internal mouthpiece of the management' said Rayya.

Staying in dialogue warrants that the parties in conversation are aware of the power dynamics of that situation.

If there’s a hierarchy (even a perceived one), it helps to seek a conversation. The HR person could have explained where he was coming from. May be he felt guilty for the new hire process which hadn't worked well and Rayya had to bear the brunt. May be he believed he was doing Rayya a favour in lieu of her suffering through the incompetence of others. How can either of them know unless thes speak?

Call a spade a spade

This was my advice to Rayya. As her coach I could see she was struggling through many emotions. On the one hand she wanted to believe that more responsibility was coming her way. On the other hand she was feeling confused by the behavior of the HR.

She needed to ask the HR partner that she didn’t want to chill and it would make her feel better if she contributed more to the company. She should also tell the HR of the genesis of this conversation and why it's that project that's important to her to volunteer for.

And then comes the tricky part - how do you share something that's important to you, but you are not sure of the full picture. The starting point is always - stick to the FACTS - separate facts from evaluations, judgments and attributions. 

Actively encouraging open conversations - where you state the intent - 'I intend to resolve what I am feeling and share with you what led to it' - helps many crucial conversations make it worth our time. Especially in a virtual setting, this is not always easy. As we miss the 'casual - let's have a coffee chat' possibility. When we arrange for another 'virtual meeting' it feels more onerous.

That's where I would encourage you to start thinking of the medium - should this be a written email (one way and only text), should it be on chat (both ways but only text), should she leave a voice message (one way, verbal), does it need a phone call (two-ways and verbal), or a video call (two ways verbal and visual). Perhaps Rayaa does need a video call for this situation, as most likely she can't meet the person given the unique circumstances we live in.

Different mediums achieve different results and consume differing levels of time and energy. Being mindful about those choices and their implications is what makes a leader impactful in #virtualleadership.

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About the author:

My passion is to create opportunities and catalyze relationships that help us thrive! I believe that personal, organizational and societal change is an interactive development process and through my interventions, I seek to build awareness and action across all. I have had the privilege to have coached and trained leaders and management teams in 40 plus countries globally and on all continents.

Over the last two decades, I have engaged with leadership development, L&D, and talent management across the entire spectrum from diagnosis to design to implementation. Currently, I run my own niche Executive Coaching Practice to accelerate the leader's path to success through my focus on #LeadershipBranding.

Drop me a message at [email protected] or to schedule a call with me please use: calendly.com/shivangi/15-mins-call

Here are 2 initiatives I have founded: www.thrivewithmentoring.com, a non-profit that catalyzes women to women mentoring (currently present in 5 countries), and www.xponential.cc (through which I bring award-winning leadership training such as Crucial Conversations and Power of Habit).