How Can Parents Ask for Additional Help at Work?
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Parents can face an additional set of challenges in the workplace, so it’s important to ask for help when needed. Determine the type of support you need, talk to other parents about how they handled asking for workplace help, and be OK with setting boundaries to improve your work-life balance.?
Maintaining a healthy work-life balance can become even more challenging for parents, especially amid a pandemic.?
Parents juggling work and motherhood or fatherhood may need additional help at work. Knowing what to ask for and developing a strategy to ask for assistance.
“Parents are looking for additional support because they are feeling the pressure and lack of support that we have,” said founder and managing director of WRK/360 Mary Beth Ferrante. “We don't have guaranteed paid sick days.?
“We don't have guaranteed paid leave to care for a new or sick child. We don't have guaranteed vacation. We saw [our childcare system] really break [during] the pandemic and it has not come back.”?
Content marketer and DEI Expert Rachel Cottam pointed out the differences in struggles mothers and fathers can face at work.?
“One of the things I often come back to is the idea of the motherhood penalty versus the fatherhood bonus,” Cottam said.?
In a 2021 study on the motherhood penalty and the fatherhood bonus, Duke University found that “Becoming a father is associated with a 13% increase in earnings [and] the equivalent model for women by contrast, [indicated] a 9% gross motherhood penalty.”?
Even when human capital indicators like marital status and geographical locations reduced men’s earnings premium by 60%, the study showed that being a father was still associated with a 5% pay increase.
“Women who have historically carried the burden of caregiving more often are bringing that to work with them and actually being penalized for it without it being recognized,” Cottam said. “We need more support as parents [because] we are balancing a lot. Sometimes that can make us more productive, but sometimes that can actually be seen as us taking our jobs less seriously when truly, I don't believe that's the case.”
Identify the Type of Additional Support You Need as a Parent at Work
Start by thinking of solutions to help you better balance work and parenthood before walking into HR or a manager’s office with a list of demands.?
“I think the biggest thing that parents can ask for is boundary setting,” Cottam said. “It is that safe space to be able to lead with life first. I think it's easiest to set these boundaries when you are first taking a job. So, when you have a new boss or an interview, make it very clear what you need in your life, put it in your calendar when you have a parent-teacher conference, when you are taking off work to bring your kid to the doctor.
“Make sure that those lines of communication are clear and that the expectation is the same coming from your manager or coming from you and how you expect to show up at work.”
That can also help co-workers who are parents feel more comfortable to ask for what they need, Cottam said.?
Meanwhile, Ferrante said one of the most common things parents need at work is more flexibility in how and when they work. Additional time off — paid or unpaid — is also important?
“[That could entail] being on a reduced schedule for a certain amount of time with a plan to scale back up,” Ferrante said. “[Also], help finding care placement, backup care benefits are huge. Onsite childcare is kind of making a comeback, but it's still challenging for a lot of people because there's a lot of liability in that. So it's not as common.”?
Parents should also make sure companies have FSAs for dependent care and look for other opportunities for additional financial support around care, Ferrante said.?
A DCFSA is a pre-tax benefit that can pay for eligible dependent care services, including child care, preschool, etc., according to the U.S. News and World Report. Forty percent of employers offer the benefit, and you can put up to $5,000 a year into it and take it out tax-free for those expenses.?
Also, consider asking for a raise to help you afford childcare expenses in your area, but approach that conversation in the right way, Ferrante said.?
“I wouldn't say that should be the only reason you're asking for a raise, but I think it can be one of those things that you can tie into from a performance perspective,” Ferrante said. “It’s also, ‘If you are able to support me here and now I can afford in-home care, I have more flexibility that's going to enable me to be a better worker. That will enable me to be more productive and to be able to give back.’”
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How to Ask a Manager for Additional Support at Work
Asking for additional support may trigger anxiety or fear, but do what you can to let that go.?
Start by talking to your friends and community about how they’ve approached asking for help at work, Ferrante said.?
“Ideally, we would be in a situation where managers would be trained on how to have these conversations with their employees so that it doesn't feel like it's so scary or taboo,” Ferrante said. “But that's just not the case in many companies. For those individuals that feel [anxiety or fear], lean on someone else to walk through it.”
Also, run through the conversation with a mentor, friend, or family member before taking it to work.?
“Practicing and asking for help from those career mentors or other mothers, parents or people in your workplace who you feel like are doing it well can help overcome some of that anxiety,” Cottam said.?
“When you [have] the conversation with your manager, give them a little bit of a heads-up about what you want to speak about.”
Understand that this won't be a one-off conversation. It is the beginning of a discussion about your needs as a parent, Ferrante said. She suggested preparing to negotiate and trying different things that can help you and your team.?
“Start with a temporary shift or request and test it out before it becomes permanent so that everyone feels comfortable with the change that you're asking for and the support that you're looking for,” Ferrante said.?
Cottam said don’t be afraid to reinforce your needs even as your company culture changes.
“Make sure you communicate with your boss and say, ‘I have school pickup at 2:15 p.m. every day, so I'm going to block my calendar from 2-2:30. Is that with you?’ And gauge their response,” Cottam said. “It’s a big red flag if your employer, either in the interview process or further along the line, gives any kind of pushback to that.
“You should not have to lie about your life in order to protect your job. That's not work-life balance. Having proactive communication with your boss is critical.”
In addition, continue to highlight your accomplishments after you ask for what you need.?
“As a mother, as women, we tend to suffer from what's called Tiara Syndrome, which is just expecting people to notice our work for us and reward it,” Cottam said. “But we really need to be the ones keeping track of our work, reporting on the work done, letting our bosses know how it's driving bottom line growth and results.
“So that when we do have those extenuating circumstances, it's not a concern of, ‘Oh well Rachel's not doing her job.’ It's like, ‘Oh, I know Rachel already achieved X, Y, Z this week. If she needs some space to go help her kid at school, then that's fine.’”
How Employers Can Help Support Parents at Work?
Leaders at work (executive team, management, etc.) can show parents support by being an example of someone who puts life and their parental responsibilities first, Cottam said.?
“I call it parenting out loud,” Cottam said. “What I recommend the leadership team does in parenting out loud is that anytime they step away from work for parenting responsibilities, they say it. They talk about it. This is especially meaningful for leaders because they're setting the tones for their teams.?
“They're letting their teams know what behaviors are safe and which behaviors are going to be penalized. And so if they can say, ‘Hey, I'm leaving work early for a dance recital.’ Then they give permission to mothers, fathers, everyone in the room to be able to do the same.”
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How Can Parents Ask for Additional Help at Work??