How can the 'liking gap' affect my relationships?

I’ve started a new book recently which is definitely going to make the CALM recommended reading list.

It’s called The Laws of Connection by the journalist and writer David Robson and it unpicks the science behind how human beings make effective social connections – an essential ingredient of high performing teams. Critical to not only survive, but thrive, through times of change and transformation.

The concept of the ‘liking gap’ immediately stood out to me – something that not only I struggle with, but from my coaching sessions with leaders, I know others do too. And it’s another example of the emotional part of the brain trying to be helpful, but inadvertently getting in the way of our own effectiveness and ultimately happiness.

With a borderline preference for introversion, more often than not, I find starting conversations with new people anxiety inducing. I’m also not a fan of small talk and when I inevitably hear myself talking about the weather to pass the time on the outside, on the inside I really want to run away!

When it comes to people that we don’t know very well, small talk is ‘safe’ and it might not be the time or the place to go into deeper conversation topics which may inadvertently lead to potential conflict or challenge. If you add together the brain trying to keep us safe from social rejection plus the fact that small talk isn’t very rewarding, all this tracking of negative feelings means we can often draw the (incorrect) conclusion that our conversation partner likes us less than we like them.

Robson details how this fascinating research study by psychologists Boothby and Cooney proved that most people consistently underestimate how much the other person enjoyed their company following an interaction. Later research has shown that the ‘liking gap’ is also prevalent amongst colleagues in the workplace where it can limit creative collaboration.

Despite people signalling that they like one another during conversations, people neglect these signals when estimating how much others like them. Why? People are overly focused on the contents of their own thoughts, which are largely critical of their own conversation performance, and these thoughts distract them from perceiving how much their conversation partners like them.

The net result: we’re much less likely to develop a positive connection with the other person going forwards as the brain moves us away from perceived potential threats or challenges.

Overcoming the risks of the liking gap by creating regular space for ‘being’ time for people to come together to build deeper and more lasting connections is therefore critical for high performing teams through change.

Like to explore this idea more? Join our online digital learning community on the CALM hub for more tools and resources. And we’re always up for an online coffee if you think we can help you get on the front foot when it comes to positive change in the 21st century workplace. Get in touch [email protected]