How can I stop the arguments in my marriage spilling out into my work life?

For some of us the answer seems to be simple: compartmentalise. Simply put that means keeping work and home life so separate that you never think about those arguments when you're at work. But for many of us, that's impossible.

There are things you can do to make it easier, such as techniques to close the door on home when you leave the house (or when you go to your home office). But as a former osteopath, I believe in going to the root of the problem instead of just addressing the symptoms. And that means dealing with the conflict in your relationship.

There are two approaches to stopping the arguments: the First Aid approach which is what you do when you know you're about to launch into one; and the long-term healing approach which deals with the underlying cause of the arguments.

Ultimately when you get free of the arguments you and your partner will be much closer to each other and you'll feel the benefits at work as well as experiencing way more intimacy at home.

Let me ask you a different question: “What would your life be like if you chose not to argue with your partner?”

Instead of just getting rid of the arguments, think about how your life and your relationship would transform if you initiated that change.

I should be clear about this. My parents argued: my mother shouted and my father stood by in quiet resistance. He only shouted back occasionally. But although Dad wasn’t shouting, he was still standing his ground. He was just more subtle about it. And it was still an argument.

Life in my parents' household was stressful and ultimately unsustainable. My mother developed rheumatoid arthritis and died shortly after her 58th birthday. That was enough to make me realise that all that arguing was a bad thing, but it took me a lot longer to discover how not to do it myself!

Choosing not to argue does not mean giving in. It means finding an alternative way of resolving your differences. There are dozens of ways to do this. It’s just a question of recognising that you and your partner are about to launch into an argument and choosing a different path.

Arguments generally start for two reasons:

1. we get triggered
2. we’re only seeing the part of our partner which we find most challenging – their ‘Core Negative Image’ (CNI)

How to stop an argument in its tracks

The fact that you’re feeling ready for a fight is a sign that one or both of these is in play. So you can use that argumentative urge as a sign that something isn’t right. It might be tiredness, hunger or general irritability. Or it might be that you feel hurt or slighted. But if you're feeling argumentative you're probably seeing your partner's CNI rather than the whole person.

Here are a few things you can do when you feel the argumentative urge coming on (and you can use it as well if it’s your partner who is getting argumentative):

1. Practice your ABC – acknowledge your state (fighty); take a breath; choose to behave differently.
2. Zip it! You’ve already chosen not to argue so until you can say something compassionate keep quiet.
3. Make a cup of tea and invite your partner to join you. This is a very British approach, and it’s probably an improvement on the glass of whisky preferred by Hollywood.
4. Suggest a walk outside to clear both your heads.
5. Offer to listen. Being listened to is both empowering and disarming. Your other half will feel seen and heard and will be less inclined to lash out.
6. Ask your partner to listen to you without interrupting (this will work better if your partner isn’t in fight mode).
7. If all else fails you can withdraw gracefully. That means telling your other half that you need time alone and will either return or check back in (with a phone call or text message) in 20 minutes.

These suggestions are a sort of first aid for arguments. They are not a long-term solution.

Stopping the arguments in the longer term

If you really want to bring the arguments to an end you have to look at the underlying issues. The arguments in a relationship are rarely about the content. They are about what that content means to each of the two partners.

I know that most of the arguments I had with my ex were not about what I thought they were about. They were about me trying to wrest control from him. We didn’t disagree about very much, but we made a lot of the disagreements we did have!

And all I saw was my Core Negative Image (CNI) of him. The CNI is the bits of our partner we really dislike, and in the end that can become all we see.

To bring the arguments to an end and to bring peace into your home, you have to deal with the stuff which is generating those arguments. Remember, they’re just a symptom, they’re not the disease. But they can become very self-reinforcing and contribute to the disease.

Your ‘Wise Adult’ can stop the arguing

Perhaps the most important thing to recognise is that when we launch into a shouting match or a bout of vicious name-calling, we’re acting not from our inner ‘Wise Adult’ but from our ‘Adaptive Child’. That’s the bit of you which you created to keep you safe when you were a child living among scary adults.

When people say “I can’t change; that’s just who I am,” it’s their Adaptive Child speaking. Because their Wise Adult would know that they’re capable of change!

So what was it in your childhood that made you create that argumentative part? If you reflect you’ll realise that it made sense at the time – whether you were seven years old, or 11 or 14. Something was going on that felt unsafe and being argumentative seemed like your best option. You probably weren’t aware of this. It happens unconsciously which is why it remains so powerful.

But once you recognise it you can start to transform it. Remember there is also a Wise Adult inside you. We all have one. It may be that it’s hardly ever seen the light of day. But once you’ve recognised that it exists, it will start to show its face!

To put this in slightly different terms, there are times when you act wisely, responsibly, compassionately and relationally. When you do this you’ve got ready access to your neocortex, the front part of the brain which is both rational and relational. That's your Wise Adult speaking.

When you’re in the fight/flight mode of your Adaptive Child, your neocortex has gone offline temporarily and the limbic system, the more ancient part of your brain has taken control. This is what my friend, Thor A. Rain calls ‘crocodiling’. It’s what we do when we feel threatened.

The walk in the park and the cup of tea – or just some slow, steady breathing – are designed to calm the limbic system so that the neocortex can come back online. Your neocortex knows full well that shouting at your partner never solved anything and that you would prefer to be in connection.

Every time you take the less argumentative route you change your neurology. The old neural pathways led from trigger to argument – or fear to argument. Now you’re building a new pathway which leads from trigger or fear to self-soothing, compassion, calm and the desire to soothe and calm your partner as well.

As you do this your Adaptive Child will feel the calm. Or to put it the other way, your limbic system will become calmer and less inclined to get triggered. It’s a bit like changing the thermostat so that your heating comes on at a higher temperature.

Making changes to the way you behave can be quite challenging, so it's good to start with some self-care. Check out my complimentary guide, Three Steps to a Magical Relationship , which will walk you through some things you can do to make it easier.