How to Build Self-Confidence: 3 Strategies for Language Learners

Introduction

Learning a language is like looking into a mirror: whatever self-criticisms you have inside will use language-learning as fuel to focus on your flaws. 

Self-criticism is the ultimate enemy of self-confidence: the more critical you are of yourself, the less confident you will feel. So, the first step is building real confidence is becoming aware of what your inner critic sounds like, and the fact that it’s making up fake stories and fantasies that make you anxious and upset.

Be Aware of the Inner Critic

Everyone experiences self-criticism, and if you don’t question it, the critic can completely take over your mindset. It makes you afraid to take risks, afraid to challenge yourself, and afraid to grow. It can be so persistent that it becomes your reality. 

The inner critic, in a strange way, is trying to keep you safe and protected. It wants to prevent you from making mistakes, from embarrassing yourself, from being rejected. The problem is that it’s so focused on keeping you safe and out of danger that it crushes your creativity, your self-esteem and your ability to have fun. For example:

• The Fear: Public speaking
• The “Logic”: If people see my flaws and imperfections, they’ll reject me. And if they reject me, I won’t have safety, community or love. So… I better not embarrass myself!
• The Body’s Response: Shaking, anxiety, dry mouth, speaking too quickly
• The Mental Response: “I’m so bad at speaking”; “Everybody is so bored”; “I need to get out of here!”; “I’m an embarrassment”
• The Emotional Response: Afraid, stressed, nervous, worried
• The Behavioral Response: Avoid speaking to groups; decline opportunities to speak; label yourself as “bad at public speaking”

Here’s the thing to remember: The inner critic, which exists to help you stay alive, only wants safety and security. However, happiness and satisfaction come from challenging yourself to grow. So, at some point, the only way to feel complete and fulfilled is to take actions that challenge your inner critic. And this will be uncomfortable.

Inner Critic Example

• What’s a criticism you have of yourself?
• ---> I don’t work hard enough
• How is this criticism trying to push you towards security?
• ---> If I always feel the need to work harder, then I might have more money and therefore more security.
• What is the cost of this criticism on your level of fun, creativity or self-esteem?
• ---> I don’t take breaks very often, so I miss fun experiences. I don’t get to explore my creative side because I’m always busy working. And I feel terrible about myself because I’m “never working hard enough.” 
• If you didn’t have this criticism, what would be possible?
• ---> I could relax more. I could have more fun. I could be less worried about the future, and spend more time enjoying my relationships.

Inner Critic Exercise

1. What’s a criticism you have of yourself?
2. How is this criticism trying to push you towards security?
3. What is the cost of this criticism on your level of fun, creativity or self-esteem?
4. If you didn’t have this criticism, what would be possible?

Facts vs. Fantasy

Here’s the thing about thoughts: they’re mostly fantasy. We treat our thoughts like they’re based in fact, but when you look into it, they’re mostly fantasies and interpretations. Thoughts just tend to sound true, so we believe them. But they’re fragile when you start to question them.

Why does this matter? Well, for someone looking to learn and grow — for example, learn a new language, add a new skill, or meet new people — you will experience many limiting thoughts: “I’m not good at this,” “Why should I even try,” “This is silly,” “I’ll never get this,” “That guy over there is way better than me”… and so on. 

If you believe the thought that you’re “not good at this,” then it’s likely you’ll stop trying. But if you recognize that the thought is actually based on fantasies, stories and interpretations — not facts — then you can choose whether or not to believe it. 

Facts vs. Fantasy Example

Here’s an example situation. Let’s say you’re trying to learn German. You begin studying a vocabulary set, but you make three mistakes in a row. You think, “Wow, I’m so bad at this! I’m never going to figure it out.” Pause. Let’s look at the Facts vs. the Fantasy.

• Facts: You missed three words. 
• Fantasy: I’m so bad at this; other people are so smart; I’m a fool; I can’t learn anything; my friends are so much better than me; I’ve never been a quick learner; language learning just isn’t for me….

Here's a new interpretation of the situation:

• I’m struggling with vocabulary, but I’m learning quickly. I got an A in my chemistry class even when I thought it would be impossible. Making mistakes is just part of the learning process — failure is feedback! So, I’m not going to let my inner critic convince me that there’s something wrong. This is part of the journey.

Does that sound familiar? Notice that these self-critical thoughts are almost never about the facts — rather, they’re about a story that your mind adds on top of the facts. 

Okay, so what can you do about it? Here’s an exercise to do whenever you are feeling afraid, discourage or judgmental towards yourself.

Facts vs. Fantasy Exercise

1. Facts: What are the facts? What actually happened?
2. Fantasy: What are the fantasies and interpretations you’ve added?
3. My Choice: Choose a new, empowering interpretation and write it down. 

Keep a Victory Log

Language learning is a complex process. There are many steps, and you face new challenges every day. Because of this, the fact that there’s always something new to learn can be discouraging: the moment you feel confident in one area, there’s something new to learn that has you totally confused. 

So, how can you keep a positive mindset throughout this process, even when you face new challenges and frustrations regularly? One of my favorite strategies is to keep a “Victory Log” (i.e. a list of what you’ve already mastered!). 

Victory Log Example

Take a look at this example of a victory log. See how tracking your progress keeps you more excited?

Victory Log Exercise

1. Break larger goals into smaller ones. In this case, break the language up into areas like Grammar, Idioms, Vocabulary, Music & Media, Prepositions… You can divide it up however you’d like.
2. Make the goals as small as possible — to make sure that you’re winning as much as possible!
3. Keep track of the goals you achieve.
4. Review your list regularly to remember how far you’ve come.

Bonus exercise: Record yourself speaking (without notes) for 2 minutes into a camera. Save it and come back to it in 1 year (put it in your calendar). You may be shocked by how far you’ve come!

Conclusion — Keep the Momentum Going!

When you’re learning a language, the only person who can stop your progress is you (and your inner critic). The good news is, most of the fear that you have around language learning comes from an unrealistic pressure to be different from how you are now. Realize that this pressure is only coming from the inner critic. And remember: the critic only wants security, even if it makes you miserable. Once you know how to reinterpret your fears and your stories into more empowering ones, language learning is just a game. And there’s no way to lose! Most people (at least, Americans) don’t even know the basics of a second language. So put THAT in your victory log!

~~~

If your goal is to build self-confidence or transform your ability to communicate clearly and effectively, I’d love to work with you. Please get in touch for a free 20-minute consultation.