How NOT to Build a New Relationship...and Vice Versa

I run this risk of sounding ranty here, so I'm writing with mindful intention.

Last week, I had an unsettling "first encounter" with someone I'd been introduced to through a mutual contact.

But it was a great experience and wonderful reminder that I'm fully back in my own driving seat, or centre of confidence and power.

The Backstory

Emails had been exchanged. A calendar link was shared. The meeting was set to last 30 minutes.

It ended after about 12, charged on one side with pure indignance, on the other with surprise, mild bewilderment, and a few minutes later, incredulity.

After it, I questioned myself.

"Was I wrong to respond as I did?"

"Was it me who was "at fault?"

"I'm supposed to be a communication coach. How can that have gone so badly?"

I took a deep breath, walked away from my laptop, and went out for a walk.

What Happened?

I started the call at the agreed time. The receiver joined, late. Just a couple of minutes. OK, it can happen, especially if they have children.

I saw a wall. Suddenly, I heard a voice as they rooted for something. I waited.

Light pleasantries were exchanged as they arranged their camera and laptop, confusing my nationality with an apathetic air once it was realised.

One more thing to grab off camera, whilst replying, before joining with fuller presence.

Lesson 1:

1. If you've arranged to meet someone new, show up at the agreed time and be present the moment you join the call.
2. If you cannot be, acknowledge this with an apology for the disruption.

Next, there was some small talk, light discussion to get the conversation going and start finding a connection.

After two or three minutes, the grilling began.

Regarding the mutual contact:

1. How did you meet so and so? (standard, fair question. I returned it.)
2. And did you decide to work with them in the end? (No).
3. Did you do something else instead or what did you decide to do?

I went with it, though discomfort began to set in.

"I decided to start a podcast and I didn't feel their proposal offered what I wanted at the time."

I was getting uneasy now. Is this person trying to dig answers out of me to feed back to the mutual contact?

"No, relax. They're from a much more direct communication culture than yours. This might just be their style of communication. Give it a chance, Christine."

The grilling continued, but it started going deeper.

I felt like I was on shark tank, except I couldn't recall making an application for investment.

1. What do you do exactly?
2. Who do you work with?
3. Where are your clients based? (followed by a presumption about my market).
4. How do you get your clients?

Question after question, some coming before I'd finished the answer to the previous. Now, I really started feeling uncomfortable, and I was getting a bit annoyed.

Benefit of the Doubt:

I wanted to be fair to this person. Maybe I'd misunderstood the intention behind the call. They may have genuinely just wanted to be helpful, but they came at it the wrong way for me.

When they asked me the same question a second time,

"Where did you say your clients are from again?"

I'd had enough.

"I feel that these questions are a bit too personal right now. Maybe I could a..."

You know that moment in the movies when a Queen or King is told they've been betrayed and they swell, then retract, before hurling out a response with a tone of pure indignation?

This was that moment.

If anyone tells you it's not possible to read emotions on Zoom, they're not looking properly. I felt the fire rise and flare out at me through the screen.

As I was finishing my question, the response came...

"I was only trying to help. You can ask me anything you want (hand moves flippantly). Go ahead."

I knew they were annoyed, but I stood in my power, holding fast to my boundaries. I had not given permission for those questions to be asked, and we were 10 minutes into our first ever meeting.

Lesson 2:

1. When meeting someone for the first time, unless permission has been offered or the purpose of the call dictates it, do not pepper them with private questions about their clients and business.

I tried to settle the energy, asking a few questions which showed I'd done my research about the person I was meeting and their achievements, make a genuine connection.

Frustration in the response continued. There was no interest in sharing pleasantries or creating the conditions of trust first.

I addressed the energy shift.

"NAME, I recognise that my response has upset or annoyed you in some way, so I'd just like to acknowledge that feeling and se...."

"You can acknowledge whatever you want."

...see if there's a way we can get past it to learn a bit about each other first."

"I was just trying to help."

Pause. Now I was, honestly, bewildered. I really couldn't get over the temper flare and the person's lack of ability to manage their emotions. I took a deep breath.

What help is it that you believe I need?

Pause.

You know what, I actually have another meeting in a few minutes, so I'm going to have to go. Thanks for the information about XXX. It was nice meeting you. Goodbye.

"OK (I had a somewhat wry on my face now, no denying it). You're welcome. Hope your meeting goes well. Goodbye."

Lesson 3:

1. When on a call with someone for the first time, if you feel uneasy, acknowledge the feeling. Listen to your gut. Ask yourself if it's breaching your boundaries. If it feels like it is, say so.
2. You are not responsible for other people's responses to you standing firm in your boundaries. This is especially true for women speaking to men, more especially when speaking to older men who may deem themselves more powerful, successful or capable than you.
3. Check in with yourself and your triggers. Are you responding fairly or is it a trigger that you might need to overcome?

Number 3 was the important one for me.

I spent a long time trusting too easily. Nowadays, I don't trust very easily at all. Was my trust trigger's alert switch on too high? I went out for a walk to calm down and do some introspection.

The Flip Side

As I calmed down and questioned my reasoning, doubt tried to creep in. I've just spent almost two years healing from a traumatic relationship. The brain takes time to reset into trust (a 35-day, 790 kilometer trek across Northern Spain speeds the process up quite considerably though.)

I trust, and heed my instincts once again.

This person's line of questioning was too private and too deep for a first meeting, having never spoken before nor set parameters to analyse my business.

What Helped Confirm my Reflection?

The day before, I'd arranged a call with a consultant to explore my plans to scale my business further over the next few years.

What did the consultant do differently?

1. He sought permission.
2. He confirmed confidentiality.
3. He reassured me, respectfully, as he probed deeper.

All of this on top of the mutual understanding that the purpose of the call was to probe and explore.

Lesson 4:

1. When meeting someone on a call, whatever the reason it's been arranged for, reset the parameters at the beginning, seek permission and show respect.
2. When entering a call with someone new, confirm their objectives with them. Avoid determining their objectives on their behalf. If you believe your objective for them is better than theirs for themselves, realign with the meeting purpose and set clear parameters. Cancel if necessary.

The TAPS Model, above, from the NeuroLeadership Institute , is a very useful tool to use when determining how your counterpart would like you to show up.

In this example, it wasn't relevant because there were no business parameters set. I've just actually gone back to the initial email (my brain doing a double check to be sure I didn't misunderstand something.) I did not.

"I'd suggest we do a 1 to 1 over Zoom. I'm thinking it would be a good chance for us to get to know each other."

Get to know each other. No coaching, no training, no consulting, no counselling. Just a conversation.

If the person had wanted to engage as a consultant, all they needed to do was ask if that were appropriate or something I was interested in.

So, How Can You Build a New Relationship?

Use what I call the 10 Question Connection Trick. In the very first episode of my podcast, I share the story of the night I met an English guy in an Irish bar in China and talked to him like we'd been friends for 20 years...all because of his questioning technique (no, not because it was an Irish bar, naughty.)

If you listen to it, please subscribe and write a review with your comments on Apple, It really helps a podcast's visibility when people subscribe and review.

But, if you don't wish to listen, here are some tips:

1. Show genuine interest in the other person.
2. Pay attention to their comfort level as you ask questions.
3. Ask open questions about general interests.
4. Avoid deep probing questions about personal life, business or behaviours. (unless the space opens for this and with permission if doing so).
5. Use the threading technique.

Listen for keywords, watch their eyes and body language (if you are able to read it). When they lean in or their eyes brighten or open wider, they're excited by what they're saying. Lean on that. Thread the conversation from the keyword (sea swimming is one for me) and ask more questions about it.

6. When asked questions, return questions. Hold the speaking space for 90 seconds or fewer before handing it back.

Here's an Example:

SCENE: Two people have just arrived to attend a conference.

A: Nice to meet you.

B: Nice to meet you too. How was your trip?

A: Fine. The plane ride was a little bumpy, but I don't usually mind that. How about yours?

B: Great. I arrived earlier than I'd expected and managed to go for a swim.

A: Fantastic. My accommodation doesn't have a pool.

B: Oh, (smiling politely), I didn't go in a pool.

A: You're not telling me you swam in the sea??! It's December in Ireland.

B: (a gentle laugh, almost like an exhale, but smiling) I did. I swim in the sea year round. Have you ever tried it?

A: Absolutely not! (smiling, shivering in jest). I'm a warm water person. Give me a soupy sea anyday.

B: Oh no (smiling, maybe a little shake of the body), I'm the total opposite. I love a nice, cold sea. /PAUSE/ So, are you here for the full conference?

A: .....responds. Conversation shifts to another thread.

Generally...

It's easy to make new connections with people when we put their objectives first and show a genuine interest in them. Threading is a type of super power. Irish comedians like Tommy Tiernan thread their content as expertly as my Grandmother crochets her blankets. I learned it to make exquisite weaves from Tommy, and of course, long line of Irish storytellers. (Have to give credit to Mum here too for my formal training).

One of my clients used the threading technique in a workshop they were facilitating this week. The proof is in the commentary pudding...

I help organisations nurture confident bilingual leaders using a brain-based cocktail of customised coaching and on-demand training in Neurocultural? Communication, Public Speaking, Presentation and English Pronunciation. If you need to create a better balance of cultures and communicators in your leadership teams, DM today to choose the colour of thread that will weave us together (or just get to know each other).

If the content in this article has 'struck a chord', resonated, with you, please #comment and share your story. The more we share, the more we learn and realise we're not alone.

#communication #buildingrelationships #networking #smalltalk