How to build a healthy relationship with your child?

The pandemic has triggered many negative emotions, and therefore the way in which parents and children communicate has become increasingly important. Our school counsellor Mrs. Ronda (Wen) Jing has suggested three major topics centered around student wellbeing during the pandemic, as a way to help ease the anxiety felt amongst most parents.

What we want to suggest to parents is: parenthood is more than just providing material things for our children. It is more about the courage and energy that you share while confronting challenges and obstacles together that help your children to grow.

HOW TO COPE WITH THE GENERATION Z’s ADDICTION TO ELECTRONIC ENTERTAINMENT?

◎Ronda?

When faced with a child that is excessively using their device, we should ask ourselves- Is it a problem child? Or perhaps is it a problem with the game they choose to play?

Different questions and boundaries will result in different outcomes.

However the case is presented, a child should never be labelled. Usually, the primary signs of virtual reality addiction are:

Growing endurance: endurance and tolerance for gaming gets noticeably longer.

Indifference towards other hobbies: children used to go out and play with others, while now they spend extended periods of time surfing on the internet.

Lack of self-discipline: Intense reaction towards parents’ objection to time online. Some even need medical assistance to refrain themselves from being raged. It is possible that some children choose to spend time online as an outlet to release the negative feelings produced through arguing with their parents.

A survey conducted by China Youth and Children Research Center indicates that pupils who are less confident with their academic performance, communication skills, social skills or future development are more likely to spend longer periods of time watching short videos. Social relationships and family education are also vital factors that can determine a child’s time spent on social media.

Additionally, we need to have a clear, unambiguous standard: what kind of results do we want to see to show that "children are no longer addicted to the Internet."

One sign is the disinterest of all video games and products. The other is proper time management on gaming. However, in today’s context, it is impossible for children to be entirely unexposed to the Internet, which means a more flexible solution must be considered.

This flexibility is very important in psychotherapy. Most psychological problems do not mean that there is one simple solution, and the problem can disappear. From the perspective of a parent, it is necessary to first depict the picture of "a time period when the child does not use an electronic product, and I hope that he will do something else", which can refer to the following ideas:

◎Set strict timeframe for online activities. Streaming time can be after dinner, for example, 1 to 2 hours. It is not suggested to give children this freedom particularly before bedtime or when they wake up.

◎Define family spaces. If your child keeps staying alone in the bedroom, this means a decrease in time spent with the family. Parents can set up a rule such as: no electronic devices are allowed in the bedroom. This rule restricts children’s time on portable devices but encourages them to spend time with their family. Also, it helps lower the chances of them accessing children-inappropriate websites.

◎Be a role model for your child. Control your own time on mobile devices. By doing this, you are introducing to your child, a healthy relationship between you and the social media, telling them the point is not about the device or the social media, but how much time we spend on them.

◎Listen to your child. Children own the right to feel bored, angry and sad. However, they will never learn how to process those natural feelings if only comforted by electronic devices. Instead of passing them an iPAD when you spot their low mood, an attentive hug might be more meaningful to help find out the causes of their feelings.

HOW TO FORM A HIGH QUALITY COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR CHILD RATHER THAN JUST KIND-HEARTED NAGGING？

◎Ronda?

Pandemic, lockdowns, plus news about air disasters and war, are all causes for pressures and negative feelings which can seem continuous. When working from home must coexist with learning from home, subtle mood swings can lead to thought provoking moments:

Does it make you feel angry or sad when you see your child playing on their phone on their bed?

The attitude of not making an effort or not trying counts for underachievement.

Why can’t you be like other children?

Is this the best score you can get?

Please stop crying, it’s just a toy.

.......

All these negative thoughts reflect parents’ anxiety and worries. Comparing your child with others, arguing with your child, belittling your child or ignoring their feelings are the barriers to a healthy parent-child relationship.

Naggings and comments like those mentioned above, can make children feel guilty themselves, since the message they receive is: I am a horrible child. I am not appreciated.

The "attachment theory" in the theoretical basis of psychological research believes that the sadness, pain and helplessness of a child in the process of growing up need to be heard, understood and comforted by parents in time. If these needs are met, on the one hand, the child will form a positive view of himself, think that he has the value of being loved, and will have more courage in the face of challenges in the future; on the other hand, the child will form a positive expectation of interpersonal relationships, and be more able to naturally approach each other when interacting with others, and establish a relationship of mutual trust with others.

Regarding how to ease the conflict, here are some suggestions from a psychologist:

◎ Don’t let your feeling control you and put you in a ‘war’. Try not to respond immediately when conflict happens. Both parents and children have their right to choose a lifestyle of their own. Allow spaces for different opinions and voices. To talk and understand each other’s ideas are the best way to communicate.

◎ Be responsible for your words and actions. Your communication style can decide your child’s reaction. It is normally easier for children to capture those negative signs that eventually result in misunderstanding for both sides. It is vital to ensure your words and behavior are consistent.

One should never underestimate the conflict with their children. Neither should one worry too much about their patience toward children or the possible ‘traumatic effect’ produced as the consequence. No relationship is perfect, and parent-children relationship is no exception. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone deserves forgiveness.

HOW TO DEAL WITH THE LONELINESS AND FEELING OF SUPPRESION DURING LOCK DOWN？

◎Ronda?

Psychological research says that adolescent children may show antagonistic emotions due to "social isolation" during lockdown, and are prone to distraction, sadness, anxiety and nervousness; in addition, headaches, stomach pains and difficulty falling asleep are also common symptoms of psychological problems.

The Internet is a double-edged sword. Apart from indulging in short videos and gaming, people have relied on it for the purpose of social interaction throughout the pandemic. Children can be guided on how to use social media platforms such as emails or Teams to keep connected with friends and families. It is also suggested by the WHO that online exercise classes are a way to stay healthy at home. Solutions found during lock down are still effective even after the lockdown is lifted, to maintain both our mental and physical health.

Younger children might find it more difficult to cope when there is nowhere to go outside. It is suggested to their parents that small talk and frequent body contact with your children would help ease their negative feelings. Also, showing them you care and your love through playing games and hugging can not only help them improve language skills and interaction capability, but also their ability to self-adjust and regulate their stress hormone levels.

Many parents would say that it’s easier said than done. Children can be like creatures from another planet. They can get annoyed all of a sudden and it is exactly those times that every parent wants a helper.

Most of us choose not to open up to others. However, we have to admit that knowing how to seek for help is a necessary part of growing up, especially for teenagers. The center for student wellbeing at WASNJ is established for providing any community members an outlet and encourages everyone here to be open and speak up.?

For any further help or to make an appointment at WASNJ Center for Student Wellbeing, please contact:?[email protected]