How to Build Authentic Confidence

Last winter holiday, my youngest son was stranded in the airport for twenty-seven hours before getting a flight home after visiting his Nana. Afterward he told me that it was really uncomfortable and exhausting, and he was really glad it happened. It was another piece of evidence that he could navigate his life.

Before we jump into how to build confidence, it is helpful to define what we are NOT talking about.

Confidence is not arrogance. It is not looking in the mirror and telling yourself that you are invincible and that all your wildest dreams will come true.

Confidence is not an unfounded belief in untested mastery. It is not the act of jumping into the deep end of the pool when you cannot swim.

Confidence is not the pretense that you are always "fine." And there is no need to "fake it until you make it."

So what is it? Confidence is an evidence-based awareness of your ability to deal with life. It is based on your actual lived experience.

If you are alive to read this, then you have dealt with what has shown up in life. I am not saying it has always been pretty, graceful, or up to perfectionist standards (that is for another article). There may have been some swearing, tears, yelling, sulking, or snot involved. And, you got through it.

Four Steps to Building confidence

Focus on trust, not an outcome. Rather than looking into the crystal ball that you do not own and predicting future events you cannot see, you can practice having faith in yourself. "I do not know what is going to happen, but I believe in my ability to work with whatever happens."

This is also critically important if you are mentoring others (parents and leaders of all kinds). Don't promise people an outcome - connecting confidence to circumstances makes it quite fragile. What if the desired outcome does not happen? Instead, you can offer your faith in their ability to make their own choices and deal with the consequences.

Reflect on competence. The survival function of your nervous system stores discomfort from a situation vividly in your memory. This is so you will avoid it in the future - an important evolutionary adaptation so we wouldn't eat toxic berries or rotten meat twice.

This means that if you do not make a conscious effort to store the memory of your competence, it will be overshadowed by the memory of your discomfort. It is as simple as reflecting on a past challenge through the lens of "That was hard, AND I got through it." Both can be true.

Take a small step. Begin. Somewhere. Write down a list or a plan. Identify the smallest first step and then do it. The universe will give you feedback. Spinning in your head will not give you new information - only action can do that. You can always tweak the plan if you have to.

Doing the next small thing is often preceded and followed by discomfort. This does not necessarily mean that you are headed in the wrong direction. Take a breath, feel what you are feeling, and act purposefully. Discomfort is a natural part of the path.

Be kind. No matter how smart, capable, prepared, thoughtful, skilled, talented, or wise you are, things are going to go sideways. You live in a complex universe - stuff happens. There are too many variables to predict, much less control. When unwanted stuff happens, you can still be kind to yourself.

Beating yourself up does not prevent the messiness of life from showing up. A powerful component of confidence is knowing that, no matter what, there is always someone who has your back (you). Self-compassion is not letting yourself off the hook for your responsibility - it is holding yourself accountable with a kind and open heart. "I am human. Things are not going as planned. I am still deserving of my own love and kindness."

These four steps comprise a practice. Growth is never a "one and done" process. The more consistently that you engage in these four steps, the more your brain rewires itself to make them the default. This is how practice works.

I have faith in you, and I am happy to support you in your growth.

I am a coach who focuses on building confidence, emotional freedom, and deep connections to others. Want to have a conversation? I would love that. You can email me at [email protected] or use this scheduling link: https://calendly.com/dwmochel/conversation