How the British approach Election Day

Universal suffrage. It's a wonderful thing. From in depth research (i.e. me and my friends), here's how we approach Election Day in the UK. Kubler-Ross has her 5 Stages of Grief. Here are Deborah Mills's 7 Stages of Polling Day.

• Excitement - something unusual and special is happening today. It's like a Royal Wedding but without the day off. (Memo to self: in the unlikely event I'm ever important, perhaps a half day holiday would be appropriate? It may even help turn out.)
• Panic - where are the polling cards? Someone* wonders if perhaps the dog has eaten them "since it's eaten every other bloody thing in the house". ("J'accuse, pooch!"). It is pointed out that since we don't actually need the polling cards, we should all stop faffing around. Find them on the mantlepiece, on return from Polling Station.
• Irritation - a queue? who are these people? I have literally never seen them before in my life and yet the two in front of me 'claim' to live across the road.
• Consternation - yes I know I checked the names and boxes but did I really put the cross in the right place? And was it obviously a cross and not a tick? What if I voted ....the wrong way. Gulp!
• Smugness - "Have you voted?"... "Did you vote?"... "Oh I voted this morning"... "No queues at all"..."Huge queues". Voila, this will be your water cooler conversation for the whole morning.
• Anti climax - well, that's that! Probably won't make any difference any way. (We're British after all - no point in being optimistic. We can handle disappointment, it's hope we can't take - look at our Summers).
• Exhaustion - start watching the Election coverage with a couple of beers. Fall asleep before Jeremy Vine has jumped over his first giant model of the UK.

Repeat every 4-5 years, or more frequently dependent on Prime Ministerial whim.

*Other Half