How to break the ice in a conversation?

And why the answer is not small talk

What’s the difference between small talk and an ice-breaker?

For me, small talk is superficial. It fills what is otherwise an awkward silence. Like elevator music

The most common small talk topic is the weather: everyone can comment on it and it’s never controversial.

An ice-breaker on the other hand is personal. It advances the relationship between you and a stranger.

It’s the opposite of small talk. More risky, a tiny little bit vulnerable, but (or because of it) so much more impactful.

I recommend starting conversations with something personal and ending it with something personal as well.

I had no idea this was a thing for a long time. For me, a customer conversation went like this: hello how are you, two sentences of small talk, information, bye. I’ll email you!

Don’t fake it. Be sincerely curious.

It wasn’t until I joined a colleague on one of his meetings in Manhattan that I discovered a whole new world: following one’s sincere interest in the other person.

Said colleague would sometimes spend 30 out of a 60-minute meeting talking about everything but business. He stood by the window of a conference room and, with a deep, calm voice, pointed at skyscrapers and restaurants he had been to this week. He asked the client to recommend their favorite places, and so it went on.

The point is, that was not a script or a fa?ade. And he didn’t try to show off.

He sincerely opened up, following his personal interest and curiosity, and invited the client to do the same. Reciprocity is a powerful force.

I on the other hand got nervous that we wouldn’t make it through all our talking points. But he knew that you can’t fish in a frozen lake unless you first make a hole in it.

People don’t buy from someone they don’t know and don’t trust, and they are a lot more likely to buy from someone they like.

Plus - sales is categorically more fun this way, and you will get a lot more out of it than money.

How to break the ice?

I’ve seen?expertly opening conversations with “buddy talk”, like what car they drive or how their football club played on the weekend. Great, but what if I don’t care about cars and football? Trying that ice-breaker may come across as awkward and you won’t have much to say.

Instead, breaking the ice with a topic of your actual personal interest, or something that happened in your life, is much better.

People notice if you read from an inner script or if you actually care.

Think small:

• your dog is sick,
• your kid hid your phone this morning (you found it in the couch),
• you booked your vacation to Portugal next month,
• you hurt your knee playing badminton,
• or you just read this book about Ancient Egypt and wonder why we no longer build pyramids.

If it’s hard for you to come up with something, you are looking in the wrong place. If it’s really something you care about, it should be top of mind.

So ask yourself what is currently making you laugh, think or talk to your friends about.

Small disclaimer: maybe avoid divorce, digestive disorders or American Presidents as opener topics. You are building a bridge that will get stronger over time, and then heavier wagons can cross.

Don’t fake it, but do force yourself a small step outside your comfort zone here in case you are introverted. It will be worth it.

Do you know what you have in you?

Based on my own story, I'm encouraging indies and introverts to sell - and to find their own way of selling. (Not someone else's.)

This is one of 24 tips I'm posting on LinkedIn. If you like, you can?sign up to my newsletter?to get all 24 tips in one email when they are out.

All tips are taken from my book?Sales Without Shame. It's short (but funny).

And by the way, I'd love to hear from you! Tell me about your sales journey. No strings attached. My next personal challenge is: meeting more people, breaking the ice, exchanging our stories. So get in touch via PM any time.