How to boost your leadership by accepting conflict

Conflict at work feels risky because it disrupts the team's peace and harmony–and that sounds threatening.

To say the least, conflict is uncomfortable.

It's also necessary for any relationship to reach the highest level of trust, collaboration, creativity, and resilience.

But I get it: life'd be so much easier without conflict!

Why avoiding conflict seems safer

Do you, as a leader, fear that engaging in conflict and allowing disagreement will send your team (and yourself) down a spiral of negativity and energy waste?

Do you find yourself mediating between team members whenever they're having an argument?

Do you keep putting off important conversations because you're uncertain of what'll happen once you have them?

If you answered yes, you're not alone. You're human.

As you know, humans are wired to do anything we can to avoid being rejected.

Our unconscious mind tells us that if we're not complacent and agreeable with the group, we may get kicked out. Because "rocking the boat" threatens the status quo, which is what the group actually relies on.

So of course, your unconscious mind, whose only job is to keep you alive, will tell you, "keep your head down," "don't make a fuss."

Something new trying to happen

Let me offer you a reframe. What if you saw conflict as data about the state of the group?

Conflict signals that something new is trying to happen.

It tells us that the group is not 100% satisfied with the current state of things (i.e. the status quo) and is looking for something new: a new idea, a new perspective, a new way to behave or to work.

And whenever something new appears in the group, there's going to be resistance, because another trait of the human brain is to resist change, which takes up a lot of energy and is difficult.

That tension between the new trying to happen and the current trying to stay is what we identify as conflict.

Using the 3Ds Philosophy to make conflict a productive event

Keeping in mind that conflict is a signal that the group is looking for some change, we can use it to discover what that change is. And the way to do it is to engage.

The 3 Ds Philosophy will guide you and your team as you work through conflict and turn it into a productive, creative, and generative event.

Dialogue

As long as you stay in the conversation, the relationship isn't broken (even if it doesn't seem that way at first). In order to make the dialogue safe for everyone, follow these three ground rules:

• I-STATEMENTS: speak from your perspective and experience. Never judge the other person or blame them for your feelings. For example, "I didn't feel heard when you interrupted me" is a neutral statement that leads to mutual understanding; whereas "you kept interrupting me because you refuse to hear me out" is conducive to the other person's shutting down and becoming defensive, because we're judging them.
• LISTEN: make it a priority to understand what the other person is saying, even when you don't agree with it. You don't need to like what others are saying; you just need to hear it.
• STOP: take breaks whenever the emotions become overwhelming. One caveat: don't make assumptions about the other person's ability to handle the situation. If you think they're upset, don't try to "save" them – you're not responsible for anyone's feelings or actions but yours. If you need a break, say so. If the other person is your direct report and you think they might not be comfortable asking for a break but you sense they could use one, suggest a break because you need it, not because you're noticing they do.

Disagree

In every group where there's more than one person, there's going to be (hopefully) a diversity of ideas, perspectives, personalities, communication styles...

Welcome them all. Hear them all.

If you don't agree with something, or if someone doesn't agree with something you say, that's FINE! Go back to the first D (Dialogue) and find out what's true for them.

Also, you don't need to like other people's opinions, and you don't need everyone to like and agree with yours.

And always keep rule number one of systems (groups of people) front of mind:

Everyone is right... partially.

When it's about the direction of a project and you have the power of decision, allow people to disagree, as long as they commit.

Detach

When we're able to keep a detached perspective, we see that opinions are opinions, not people. People have opinions, but they're not them.

Be in relationship with the person and stay detached from the opinion.

When you're able to do that, you can talk about the issues from the same side – even if your ideas are different.

After all, you work together and have (again, hopefully) a common purpose.

There's a lot more about conflict and humans in relationship, because humans are complex. If you want to keep furthering your understanding of people in groups, stay tuned to my content on LinkedIn, where I talk about the most complex part of business: people.