How Blissful Would It Be to Abandon Your Life Load?

“A part of me is scared to open my eyes because the very nature of waking up is to be aware, to be accountable, to be responsible for the healing of my life and take on the task of loving me until I feel full... But another part of me knows, in every inch and ounce of its being, that I am serving no one – not one single life – by staying asleep.” Sarah Blondin from Healing Through Letting Go

Someone commented to me that my life load seemed heavy. I hadn’t heard that expression before and I really liked it because it takes into account more than just a person’s seen productivity, it takes into account the unseen burdens of a life beyond the observable circumstances.

In this case I was talking to another parent about a huge organising role she had voluntarily taken on, expressing my admiration in light of mentally projecting myself into that role and shuddering at the thought; “I am often just trying to get through the days” I said honestly.

While my observable circumstances are pretty busy, it isn’t those in themselves that create the load, it is more about what is going on beneath the surface, within my mental, emotional and spiritual worlds. When things get out of balance life feels heavy.

Last week I got a really sharp insight into an emotional load I’ve been subconsciously carrying and how it has been affecting me. Basically I was at the local pool nearing the end of my swim, which I do a couple of times each week. I have been going to this pool for a few years and can probably count on one hand how often I have had to share a lane; if I do, we usually just split the lane (one on each side) so we can do our own thing and go at our own pace.

Anyway, this guy gets into my lane and – unlike most people – didn’t stop to say a courteous hello or confirm how we would use the lane; he just starts swimming up and down. Keeping to my side I changed to backstroke. The guy comes crashing into me, demanding “what am you doing?” and decreeing that we should always keep to the left (the way a swim squad does when training).

That is necessary when there are more than two people in the lane but, as mentioned, in all the years I have been going to that pool it has been rare to share a lane with even one other person never mind more than two. It also means everyone has to be swimming at roughly the same speed or it quickly becomes an aquatic pile-up.

Now I would have been happy to have a collegial conversation about this, but the guy swam off and did not stop in all the time I waited at the end of the lane in the pool, he kept right on turning and swimming. Short of manhandling him, creating a deliberate crash or waiting until he came out the pool, I was left with no option but to get with his programme or end my swim.

Seeing as I had been nearing the end of my swim anyway and my friend (who was, by now, sharing her lane also) was relying on me to drop her back home, I basically left it at that. As we drove away I observed to my friend how shaken I felt after the encounter; I felt powerless, furious and close to tears.

After dropping her off, I drove across town to pick up some library books and, as I was alone on a country road, I let rip one guttural scream after another and tore that man to shreds (well, the virtual version of him in my head) for his arrogant and dictatorial behaviour.

It did strike me as interesting timing when I had just been feeling so proud of myself lately for learning to speak my truth in a calm, assertive manner as I described in How to Stand in Your Truth and Be Heard Without a Fight.

I realised just how frustrating and – frankly – traumatising it was to be in a situation where I felt powerless to try out my new prowess. I also held a deep sense of shock at being spoken to in this way by a stranger.

I noted as I screamed my way to the library, liberated in my travelling cocoon (though I may have traumatised half the wildlife as I sped past), that the feelings the situation had brought up were nothing more than a big fat reflection of the powerlessness I had felt as a child.

The part of me who had to do as I was told, regardless of what I thought or felt, was rebelling in a way that could have started an avalanche if I had been near any snow capped mountains. Another part of me observed in astonishment the sheer scale of negative energy pouring forth that I would ordinarily stuff down inside.

It was no surprise then, really, that in the next few days I had severe renal colic (the area of the body that processes anger and resentment) and my voice sounded like a teenage boy’s breaking as he hits puberty. Given the enormity of my reaction, I knew I’d hit upon something that had definitely been affecting the weight of my life load.

This led me to do the Completion Process when I next had some space to myself, so I could transmute this emotional trauma into something softer in order to avoid being thrown into the stratosphere in future. And of course I listened to the hypnotic sound of Sarah Blondin’s raw and soothing Healing Through Letting Go meditation, I highly recommend both.

I could also see the burden related to interactions with my partner and others over the years who have spoken to me in a derogatory, demeaning or dictatorial way. I had quickly learned that angry rebuffs were not helpful, but my system would be stuck in fight-fight mode none-the-less and I’d often be unable to get past it productively.

In addition to the stance I outlined in How to Stand in Your Truth and Be Heard Without a Fight, a couple of other Wendy Behary’s insights I’ve also found helpful are:

1. Transforming the voice of my stress response:

• Fight/counter-attack – I’m prone to fighting back when I feel attacked in some way, my inner voice says “I’ll show you”, Wendy suggests modifying this to “I have rights too” which I now use as a mental anchor
• Avoidance/flight – those who are prone to running away when things get difficult have an inner voice staying “See you later” which would be better modified to “I need a time-out”
• Surrender/freeze – those who become immobilised in interactions that feel threatening have an inner dialogue saying “You’re right, it’s my fault” would benefit from changing that to “I may not be perfect but it’s not all my fault”.

 2. Having photos of my partner and I as children displayed in the house, because when times get tough in our interactions, they are a great reminder of the hurt children underneath whose responses are no doubt at play in whatever is going on.

Letting go of the life load is an ongoing process. As a parent it has been confronting in many ways as I wrote about in Let Anger Be Your Teacher While Learning to Become Its Master and When the Thing That Binds You is the Road to Freedom.

One of the things that has really made a difference in my life is having a felt sense of my spirituality, meaning a sense of connection to all living things and the laws of cause and effect. I know I don’t live in an isolated bubble whether I want to or not, all living things, including my mind, body, emotions and spirituality as connected.

Having already awoken to many of the aspects of myself that cause life to feel heavy, I do sometimes think it would be blissful to simply abandon my lifeload, but it’s more a case of surrendering to it as my teacher and guide I think.

If there was some quick way to retain all my wisdom and simply ditch all the unhelpful patterns then I might be tempted, but I’m guessing that would carry the dangers of a body that has been starved and is suddenly fed a rich diet, or conversely a body that has gone from snowman to supermodel overnight under a blade and suction. In themselves both would create major trauma, even death.

So I will stick to the gentler unfolding. In the wise and oh-so-soothing words of Sarah Blondin “There, inside of you, a wondrous part of you is calling you to step into the land of your great, unbounding potential, freedom and abundance. Any change or forgiveness you have experienced in your life was not just because someone else made you let go, it was because you chose to. The power is yours, the choice is yours.”

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation, Our Children Are Changing – We Need to Move with the Times, How to Stop Being Triggered by What Other People Think and Honour Your Story but Free Yourself of Its Shackles. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.