How to be a better listener and why it matters

?In the Arena is LinkedIn News’ weekly human potential podcast hosted by (me)?Leah Smart. You’ll hear from some of the world's brightest minds and bravest hearts about how to show up daily to live a better & more meaningful life. Each week, this newsletter shares learnings and practices connected to the conversations. ?Subscribe to the show's newsletter?here. This week is about listening and is inspired by a recent conversation with James Nestor on the value of breath.

“Wait, so you’re just supposed to sit silently? I’m so bad at that!”

I’ve heard this phrase uttered multiple times when interacting with people who are just learning the skill of listening. It’s an art we often take for granted. But listening well can positively impact our relationships within, and of course, far beyond work.

A 2018 article published by HBR, “The Power of Listening in Helping People Change,” shared a laboratory experiment in which 112 undergrads were paired up as speakers and listeners on a topic. The listeners were asked to, “listen as you would listen when you’re at your best.” Then, half of the listeners were intentionally distracted by text messages and asked to be short with their answers. This ensured the speakers would know they weren’t being heard.

When the team went back to ask the speakers about their experience of speaking to good listeners when it came to concerns about judgment, insight, and confidence, they found what many of us intuitively know but forget: speakers paired with good listeners (versus those paired with distracted listeners) felt less anxious, more self-aware, and reported higher clarity about their attitudes on the topics.

Consider the last time you had multiple active apps going while you spoke to someone virtually. How often are you fully there when you’re eating dinner with people who matter to you?

Most of us understand that listening and being listened to makes us feel more connected, but it's a forgettable practice. The levels of listening, introduced by the Co-Active Training Institute are a simple way to guide your practice in getting better at showing up in conversation.

Level 1

This is the level most of us are on at any given time. Level 1 is called internal listening. It’s about listening to what someone else is saying in the context of your own experience and responding only through that lens or allowing a busy mind to distract you.

I can generally tell if I am at level 1 when a conversation feels like ping-pong. It’s fast and unrelenting until someone can't make it to the ball in time.?

Level 2

At level 2 you’re in what’s called focused listening. As it sounds, there’s a focus on the other person and not much else. Perhaps when they share a certain part of a story their eyes grow wider, implying this is the important part. And so, you ask a question that allows them to go a layer deeper in the conversation.

A level 2 listening experience can feel like the longer, distanced volleys of tennis as opposed to the frenetic pacing of ping pong. The ball moving rhythmically from one side to the other. In level 2 the listener is aware that the presenting topic is never the real topic and creates space to explore what’s actually happening.

Level 3

Global listening is focused on observing the listener as if you and they are in a bubble together. In addition to listening to their words, you’re also taking in information about what they sound like, their pacing, their energy, and their underlying emotions. At level 3 the listener uses all of their senses to enrich the volley.

Consider the last time you walked into a room and knew that something funny had just happened. You might have missed the punchline, but you could feel the energy from everyone. It was high and light. This is level 3 listening. And while it’s not always easy, it has the power to deepen connections on a team or in a relationship. It can also support your next decision based on what you’re picking up on in a room.

In her book You’re Not Listening, Kate Murphy exquisitely sums up what listening truly is and why it matters more than we may realize,

“To listen well is to figure out what’s on someone’s mind and demonstrate that you care enough to want to know. It’s what we all crave; to be understood as a person with thoughts, emotions, and intentions that are unique and valuable, and deserving of attention. Listening is not about teaching, shaping, critiquing, appraising, or showing how it should be done (“Here, let me show you.” “Don’t be shy.” “That’s awesome!” “Smile for Daddy.”). Listening is about the experience of being experienced."

How can you give the experience of being experienced to someone who needs it?

Until next time…experiment with level 2 or 3 listening in an upcoming conversation. And take note of how it shifts the experience for you and the person speaking.

Want to become a better listener? Check out this episode: