How being a ‘Supercommunicator’ can provide management consultants with the ‘Rosetta Stone’ of client connection.

In his 2024 New York Times Bestselling book, “Supercommunicators” author Charles Duhigg outlines a roadmap of how to establish meaningful connections with others through effective techniques and conversation rules designed to help us to align with others. He draws upon experiences from FBI negotiators, jury deliberations, CIA recruitment, gun control discussions and doctors dealing with reluctant patients. In all these examples, he shows how some fundamental rules of engagement can assist us with developing a ‘one mind’ alignment with another human being to achieve understanding and effective decisions.

Management consultants understand that to achieve a successful project outcome with clients, good communication needs to occur. Many consulting firms have client communication dynamics that are a part of their onboard training for junior staff, however, in many cases this is taught from the company’s perspective and not the client’s. In the book “Mindwise, Why We Misunderstand What Others Think, Believe, Feel, and Want”, author Nicholas Epley outlines that our communication stems from an egocentric bias consisting of a. difference in attention, and b. difference in interpretation. He notes, “your ability to engage the minds of others is one of your brain’s greatest abilities”. However, this can breakdown when we try to “imagine honestly the other person’s psychological point of view”. We’ll look at the rules as outlined in “Supercommunicators” to see where more effective communication can occur and how it can be applied to create an environment where meaningful connections with clients and colleagues (as well as personal relationships) can be achieved.

Three Conversations

In the book, Duhigg points out that all conversations consist of three types 1. Decision making conversations called What’s This Really About? ?2. Emotional conversations called How do We Feel? And 3. Social conversations called Who Are We? The challenge is to understand which conversation we’re in now and understanding the methods to navigate them effectively. Duhigg suggests that each conversation operates by its own logic and requires a set of skills to communicate effectively. The key to the process is to understand which conversation is occurring. If we truly want to connect, we need to be in the same conversation at the same time. In the end, relationships are achieved through conversations.

Conversation Rules – A Learning Conversation

To navigate these three types of conversations, supercommunicators focus on four basic rules. These rules make up what’s considered a Learning conversation. The goal of the learning conversation is to understand what conversation is taking place, ask more questions to get an understanding of people’s feelings and backgrounds, find out how others see the world, show they’re listening and share their own feelings and perspective in return.

????????????? The Learning Conversation:

1.?????? Pay attention to what conversation is occurring

2.?????? Share your goals and ask what others are seeking

3.?????? Ask about other’s feelings and share your own.

4.?????? Explore if identities are important to this discussion.

The graphic below outlines some guidelines regarding the Learning Conversation. We’ll explore the different rules and offer application approaches.

Rule One: Pay Attention to What Conversation is Occurring.

Effective communicators stop before speaking and determine what kind of dialogue they want to engage in. Next, good communicators engage in looking for clues and hints about what the other person may want from the conversation. Sometimes this is as simple as asking your partner what they want. Business meetings could be more effective if participants took time to write down what they expected to come from the discussion ahead of time. In conversations there are three things at work: 1. Realizing this is a negotiation, 2. What does everyone want and 3. How do we make choices together? Building upon this, two other dimensions come into play: What kind of logic are we using? A- The logic of cost and benefits or B- The logic of similarities. This logic resides within our brain and is mutually exclusive so it’s important to understand what logic we’re meant to be using. Duhigg suggests that if it’s a practical discussion, we should lean into the data and reasoning and if it’s an empathetic discussion to lean into stories and compassion. The real question here is, how do we know the difference? The difference is established by looking for clues and signals from your partner. Do they try to change the topic? Do they hint at wanting to talk about something else? Most times signals are ignored. Recently, I was in a discussion with two other people who immediately tried to solve the situation I was describing. What had struck me was that neither one had asked or picked up on the fact that I wasn’t looking for a solution. I had tried to describe an event, and both jumped in to ‘solve’ the issue. Interestingly, as I tried to politely drop clues and hints, neither of them picked up on it. Normally, I wouldn’t have recognized it but coming to an understanding of these conversation rules, I saw it quite clearly as something I needed to be aware of as well.

Rule Two: Share Your Goals and Ask What Others Are Seeking

There are four ways in which this can occur

1.?????? Preparing for a conversation: When preparing for a conversation we’re looking at what we might want to discuss (pick two topics you wish to discuss), what can I say that shows what I want to discuss and finally, what one question can I ask that uncovers what others want?

2.?????? Asking questions: Ask about someone’s beliefs or values (why did you decide to come to work here?), ask someone to make a judgement (what did you like about your college?), or ask about someone's experience (what’s it like to be head of your college dorm?)

3.?????? Noticing Clues during a conversation: Being aware of body language and active or passive responses is a sign that our conversation partner may wish to change the subject. Being aware of these signs is critical for connecting.

4.?????? Experiment with adding items to the table: Is your discussion partner engaging in a logic of benefits mindset (looking to make a decision) or a logic of similarities mindset (telling a joke). Understanding this, we can add to the conversation by introducing a new topic or aligning with its current direction.

What’s this really all about? conversations are a type of negotiation that focuses on making decisions together whether logical or empathetic. Understanding what others want and engaging it can help us to connect and walk away feeling fulfilled in our relationships even when they aren’t necessarily deep conversations.

Rule Three: Ask About Other’s Feelings And Share Your Own.

In many conversations, we may have an ‘agenda’ we’re looking to promote or proffer. This can unintentionally create a barrier to our ability to listen for what emotions are being unsaid. Emotions show up in almost all conversations and listening to them can get lost in our objective or effort. Understanding how we and our partner feel are critical to connection. The following skills assist us in exploring emotions when we see vulnerabilities being shared and then effectively listen as part of the process. Duhigg explains that “When you describe how you feel, you’re giving someone a map of the things you care about”. Understanding this allows us to see how we can align with others. Sometimes in conversations someone may say something emotional, and this is when a How do we feel? conversation can start.

1.?????? Ask Deep questions: These types of questions can lead to the development of intimacy with our conversation partner. We’re looking to identify what we can control together. Deep questions ask about someone’s values, beliefs, judgements or experiences. It also addresses how they feel and can be the same as sharing. We need to also pay attention to mood (positive/negative) and energy (high energy/low energy).

2.?????? Responding to emotions: When someone shares their emotions with us, we need to show we hear their emotions. The looping for understanding model is great way to do this. There are four parts: A. Ask questions (make sure you understand what’s said) B. Summarize what you hear (repeat back in your own words). C. Ask if you got it right (show we understand who they are) and D. Ask more questions if you got it wrong (continue to full understanding). It allows us to reciprocate vulnerability (empathetic understanding, not just sharing our own issues. It’s more nuanced than that). Reciprocate vulnerabilities- 1. Looping for understanding, 2. Looking for what someone needs, 3. Asking permission to share, 4. Giving something in return (describing how you feel about what’s been said).

3.?????? How does this change in a conflict: Moving into feelings can be more important in a conflict. A. Acknowledge understanding B. Find points of agreement (look for points where you can say you agree with the other party), C. Temper your claims (don’t make absolutes: everybody, never, always, etc.) The goal is not winning but understanding.

4.?????? How does this change when we go online: In the book “Mindwise” by Nicolas Epley, he points out that when people are surveyed regarding sarcasm in personal conversations, many people failed to pick it up even though the person speaking intended the sarcasm as a joke. Online and in emails this can be even more difficult to detect. Four things make online conversations better: A. Overemphasize politeness (politeness from one party can reduce tension) B. Underemphasize Sarcasm (people are reading what we write not our body language), C. Express gratitude. Online studies show that this helps communication get better. D. Avoid criticism in public forums (negative feedback backfires exponentially online more so in real life).

In a conflict everyone craves control, however trying to control someone else is counterproductive. Understanding emotions is not just about empathy but demonstrating ways to connect through reciprocating vulnerability and looping for understanding. As we develop techniques to understand what conversation we’re having we’ll be better prepared to engage with our partner when emotions are being shared.

Rule Four: Explore If Identities Are Important to this Discussion

In this type of conversation hard topics can take center stage and lead to underlying stereotypes or identity threats that were unintended. Conversations are not isolated transactions devoid of who we are. Meaningful conversations contain our social identities (family, history, causes we believe in) and can succeed even where discomfort might occur. Our ability to recognize, accept and celebrate our differences is what makes up The Who Are We? conversation about our social identities. The desire we have to belong is a core component of The Who Are We? conversation.

1.?????? How to talk about who we are: A. Draw out multiple identities (social dialogues are gateways to deeper understanding for meaningful connections), B. Put everyone on equal footing (lets us share who we really are), C. Create new groups by building on existing identities (what are the different groups people connect with).

2.?????? Considerations for Who Are We? conversations: 10 items to reflect upon when having a Who are we conversation. 1. Address the stereotypes in our heads, 2. See everyone as a common tribe, 3. Pitfalls of seeing oneself through only one lens (I’m a brother, father, Sunday School teacher, husband, group leader at work), 4. Create links with people we have multiple identities with (asking about interests), 5. Invite others to talk about where they come from, 6. Draw out a conversation partner’s multiple identities. 7. Ensure everyone is on equal footing, 8. Look for social similarities that already exist, 9. Motivational interviewing (get others to express reasons for or against change), 10. Avoid identity threats (attacking someone’s sense of self).

Who We Are? conversations are unavoidable. They may be a conversation with a boss about performance, asking a spouse to change or a client who’s not cooperating. These can all be difficult, but here’s a way to be prepared for this type of conversation.

1.?????? Before the discussion: Ask yourself- A. What do I want to accomplish, B. How will this discussion start? C. What obstacles might emerge? D. When obstacles appear, what’s the plan? E. What are the benefits of this dialogue.

2.?????? As the discussion begins: A. Establish guidelines (no blaming, shaming, attacks). The goal is to share feelings not litigate who is at fault. Determine if asking questions is ok. B. Draw out everyone’s goals (emotional, practical, group goals). C. Acknowledge that discomfort is natural and useful-Keep acknowledging this (we may misspeak, ask na?ve questions, discomfort leads to opportunities to learn).

3.?????? As the discussion unfolds: A. Draw out multiple identities (get others to discuss their background), B. Put everyone on equal footing (welcome everyone’s perspective. Frame topics so everyone is an expert or a novice), C. Acknowledge experiences and look for genuine similarities (build upon commonality). D. Manage the environment (does this need to occur in a group, can we move the discussion outside the office, can we discuss at a time when we’re better rested).

Discussions don’t always go in the direction we’d like them to in some cases as this is not an exact science. However, when we’re aware of harmful influences like identity threats, stereotype threats, and we even have a plan for obstacles, we know this discussion can be hard. However, with this knowledge we’re better prepared to have this conversation anyway.

Conclusion

When we engage with others in conversation, we’re really trying to connect our mind with theirs. Meaningful conversations come from understanding the mind of others. When we try to assume their perspective, we can be led to mistakes and misperceptions. When we look to gain someone’s perspective through asking a person’s thoughts and not guessing at them, we’ll establish rapport and reduce any fears they may be feeling about our discussion.

Consultants by design strive to assist clients with improvements in their work environments and many times this requires a change in processes, management behaviors, and resource utilization. This can lead to a narrow focus on the goal rather than relationship building and meaningful connection. It’s not that consultants are uncaring, it’s just that achieving an objective can take precedence. Throughout both books, “Supercommunicators” and “Mindwise”, both authors, Mr. Duhigg and Mr. Epley provide clear examples of how gaining a greater understanding of communication dynamics and mental connection leads to greater understanding and performance outcomes among groups and individuals. Achieving a greater outcome through authentic, meaningful connection is really what good consulting is all about in the end, isn’t it?

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References:

Duhigg C. (2024), Supercommunicators (Random House)

Epley N. (2014), Mindwise, Why We Misunderstand What Other Think, Believe, Feel, and Want (Random House)

André is a consulting professional with over 20 years’ experience assisting clients with process improvement and overall business management.