How to Become a More Empathetic Listener

Hey there!

I want to chat with you about something super important that many of us, including myself, sometimes struggle with: being an empathetic listener. We’ve all been there, right? Trying to share something important only to get interrupted or feeling like the person we’re talking to is just waiting for their turn to speak. It’s frustrating!

Interestingly, a study by physician Howard Beckman in 1984 found that 70% of patients were interrupted by their doctors within 20 seconds of starting to explain their concerns. Fifteen years later, things hadn’t improved much. This got me thinking: if professionals like doctors struggle with attentive listening, no wonder it’s tough for the rest of us!

So, why do we often dominate conversations instead of listening? One reason is that we might have the wrong idea about what it means to be socially skilled. Many people think empathy means “walking a mile in someone else’s shoes,” a concept called perspective-taking. While it sounds good, it’s not always accurate. You might get a clear picture of how you would feel if you were in someone else’s situation, but not how they actually feel.

Here’s a fun fact: when people try to imagine themselves in others’ situations, they often become more confident that they understand, but not necessarily more accurate. This phenomenon is called “perspective mistaking.” It’s like trying to figure out if a friend’s shoes are comfortable by putting them on yourself—they probably don’t fit you, just like their story might not.

Instead of guessing what others feel, we should practice something called “perspective-getting.” This means using questions and active listening to truly understand someone else’s feelings. It’s about empathizing together, not alone. Here are some friendly tips to help you become a more empathetic listener:

1. Try “Looping” to Understand

Looping is a simple yet powerful technique. Ask a question and let the other person answer. Then, paraphrase what they’ve said and ask, “Is that right?” or “What else am I missing?” Repeat this until you both agree on their feelings. Looping helps build a clear picture of their emotions and makes them feel truly heard.

2. Clear Your Mind and Reset Your Goals

Often, we listen just to reply, not to understand. If you’re in a position of influence, try reframing your role. Focus on asking the best questions or just being present. Listening might seem passive, but it’s incredibly active. When listeners are distracted, speakers struggle to express themselves fluently. Your undivided attention makes a huge difference.

3. Run a Post-Conversation Audit

After talking with someone, reflect on what you’ve learned. Ask yourself: What did I learn from this person? How have my views changed? If your answers are the same as before the conversation, you might need to listen more deeply. This is a great opportunity to try looping again.

Remember, empathy isn’t about performing or showing off how well you understand someone. It’s about truly connecting and making every conversation a joint project. By practicing perspective-getting, we can build stronger, more meaningful relationships.

Let’s make an effort to listen more and speak less. It might just transform our conversations and our connections!!

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