How to become a more empathetic listener?

Are you a professional who struggles with quiet, attentive listening? Doctors, financial advisors, tutors, and managers alike can all benefit from developing their listening skills. It's easy to fall into the trap of dominating conversations, but did you know that true social skill involves empathy?

According to scientists, empathy is the ability to share, understand, and care for others' experiences. Perspective-taking, or "walking a mile in someone else's shoes," is a powerful tool that can make us more compassionate and less prejudiced. So next time you're in a conversation, try to actively listen and imagine yourself in the other person's situation. You might be surprised at the positive impact it can have.

Especially for leaders and experts, it takes courage to admit we don’t understand others, and give them room to teach us. But thankfully, any of us can practice perspective-getting and get better at it over time. Here are a few places to start.

Try “looping” to understand

Looping?is a simple perspective-getting technique used by journalists, mediators, detectives, and others whose job it is to get information from people. A “looper” asks a question and gives the other person time to answer but doesn’t stop there. They then paraphrase what they’ve heard, and follow up with a phrase such as, “Is that right?” or “What else am I missing?” The two repeat the process until both people agree on what one of them is going through.

Looping is simple but can be enormously powerful. Loopers build a precise sense of what others feel but also exert an influence on the person answering their questions. Feeling truly heard, those people disclose more. Asked to elaborate, they might find new ways to describe their experience, or even discover what they think or want in new ways. Looping also?deepens conversations?and connections.

Clear your mind and reset your goals

It’s a familiar experience: We “listen” to someone else but really are just waiting for our turn to speak, mentally preparing what we’ll say. For leaders and experts, it’s easy to believe that our job is to have all the answers, including about what others need or feel. That pressure can encourage perspective-mistaking and all the damage it brings.

Especially if you are in a position of influence or leadership, try reframing your role. Instead of trying to provide answers, think about the best questions you can ask. Or do even less, and simply put all your energy into being present. Listening might feel passive, but think again. In?one study, pairs of friends played the role of speaker and listener. While speakers shared stories, some listeners were told to pay close attention, and others were given a second task that distracted them. When listeners were distracted, speakers told less fluent stories and were more likely to forget what they’d said. If you sneakily check your email while your colleague speaks in a virtual meeting, you’re probably being less sneaky than you think. People realize when you’re not listening, and when you are.?“Good” silence and “bad” silence feel totally different, and both shape conversations, as well as communities.

Run a post-conversation audit

After talking with someone, ask yourself: What did I learn from this person? In what way was I wrong before but am a little less wrong now? If your answer is that you were perfectly accurate before, and are still that way, you might not be listening as well as you think — and this could be a great chance to give looping another try. Too often, we treat empathy as a performance. Trying to show how well we understand people, we end up missing the cues that could help us truly connect.

As professionals, we often find ourselves in situations where we need to lend a listening ear to our colleagues, partners, or clients. But how can we be sure we're really hearing what they have to say? Here are some tips for being a good empathetic listener:

- Be non-judgemental: Letting go of your own opinions frees you to focus on the other person’s perspective. Acknowledging a person’s views and emotions helps you to help them.

- Give the person undivided attention: Remove distractions and give them your full focus. This displays respect, and a person is more likely to stay calm when they feel respected.

- Listen carefully (to feelings and facts): Soak in the words as well as the larger view of that individual in that specific situation.

- Show that you are interested and listening carefully: Use supportive body language like eye contact and nodding to advertise your attentiveness without interrupting.

- Don’t be afraid of silence: Sometimes all a person needs is to be heard or know you’re there. Pay attention to the context and quality of the silence before responding.

- Restate and paraphrase: Refer to the person’s words, ask questions, and clarify comments as needed. Keep that non-judgmental and respectful spirit.

- Follow up: Check with the person to see if they have further questions or comments. Set up another time to meet if needed.

Remember, there’s no script for Empathic Listening. Respond based on that person, situation, and moment. Let's become better listeners and build stronger connections with our colleagues and clients :)

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