How to Become Confident When You Feel Socially Anxious

If you’re suffering from social anxiety, the thought of making conversation can be terrifying. I’ve been there! And it can feel hopeless. The good news is, there are tons of simple steps you can take right now to move towards feeling confident, comfortable and connected with other people. 

Curious? Let’s dive in.

Realize That Self-Comparison Is Always a Lie

Self-comparison is sneaky and unfair. It goes something like this:

1. Pick one or two traits to fixate on
2. Find evidence that I’m “inferior” in those areas
3. Take that feeling of inferiority and generalize it to “I’m worthless in ALL areas of life”
4. Collect more evidence
5. Rinse and repeat

The biggest manipulation, of course, is step #3: the generalization. The moment we take a single area of difficulty and generalize it to overall worthlessness, we’re living in a ghost world. We’re no longer dealing with reality.

The thing is, too many people don’t catch this happening. They don’t get the distortedness of the thought. It just goes like this:

1. Thought: “Wow that girl is amazing.”
2. Thought: “Oof, I suuuuuckk”
3. Thought: “Oh god, I’ll never be like that ever ever ever, and then people are going to hate me and I’ll die”
4. Feeling: Anxiety, fear, lethargy, rage
5. Behavior: Cope through avoidance, distraction, overcompensation or some form of addiction

Action Step

1. Make 3 columns on a blank piece of paper. Label them 1. Thought, 2. Facts, 3. Imagination 
2. Think of a self-comparing thought you’ve had recently. Write it in the Thought column. 
3. Facts: What actually happened? Jot it down.
4. Imagination: What ideas, assumptions, “facts,” etc. did I add to the situation?
5. Notice the difference between the Facts and Imagination columns.
6. Repeat for any thought that creates self-criticism within you.

Think About the Big Picture

Think of the most incredible, awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping superhuman you know. Yeah, THAT guy. The #1 ranked swimmer, the one with the supermodel girlfriend and a six-digit stream of passive income. The person who triggers all the self-comparison. Yeah, you know who!

Okay, now look at the following list. Go through each item and ask yourself: Is this person REALLY a “10/10” in this area of life? Does he really have time for family when he’s in the gym 6 days a week? Does she really have time for a healthy partnership when she’s so busy becoming the next Ruth Bader-Ginsburg? Does he simultaneously keep his health AND finances in a state of perfection all the time?

Areas of Life

• Health, Money & Finance, Career, Community, Friends, Family, Spirituality, Learning & Growth, Love & Romance, Leadership, Self-Expression, Creativity, Service, Self-Image, Intellectual Life, Social Communication

Action Step

Ask a few people in your life to rate themselves from 1-10 in the above areas. Does anyone give themselves a 10/10 everywhere? What do you notice? 

Watch Out for Destructive Perfectionism

In general, perfectionism is a destructive force, not a creative one. The need to have the perfect look and charm, design the perfect resume, make the most perfectly fascinating conversation with anyone we meet… it’s suffocating. Perfectionism extinguishes creativity, drawing us out of the heart and into the endless worries of the mind.

Social anxiety and perfectionism go hand-in-hand. Try this out. What’s the difference between someone who… A) beats herself up for not knowing what to say, or B) doesn’t really know what to say, but does her best and enjoys her conversations anyway? The only difference is that, in the first case, she is using up energy demanding more of herself, obsessed with the idea that she “should be better” than she is. 

If you demand yourself to be perfect, you’ll find 500 ways to avoid taking action and face being imperfect. If you feel the need to be a perfect conversationalist, then any social situation will be threatening because — of course! — you can never actually be perfect at making conversation! So you’ll come up with some reason to not go to that party, take that class or go to that meetup. As another example, if you need to have perfect ideas before sharing anything, then it will always be “the wrong time to speak up,” or “it’s not relevant” or “it’s not a big deal.” 

Action Step

Here’s a journaling exercise

1. Write down 3 recent moments when you felt the perfectionism urge. Include…
2. What was the situation?
3. What did you need to be perfect about?
4. What did you do instead of taking action? (E.g. get distracted, go on social media, eat, sleep, get busy with other work…)

Look for “Cross-Traffic” Activities

By “cross-traffic,” I mean activities where talking is not the main focus, but happens naturally. For example: Playing sports, doing a volunteer project, taking a dance class. These situations are ideal if you’re struggling with social anxiety because you don’t have to depend on your communication skills as a way in the door.

Going up to someone at a bar or in a café can be crazy intimidating. So, make it easy on yourself! Look for activities you enjoy where spontaneous interaction happens: volunteering, playing sports, taking a class…

Action Step

Take a look at the following list. What appeals to you? What could you pursue this week? Add a time to your calendar when you can try out something new.

• Gym or Fitness Class
• Church or Spiritual Community
• Take an Interest Class: salsa, cooking, acting, drawing, etc. 
• Fitness Class: yoga, Crossfit, boxing, TRX
• Hobby or Sports-Based Group: philosophy, music, book club, improv comedy, hiking
• Events: non-profit events, fundraisers, book signings
• Meetup.com: find groups that interest you. There are lots of new folks looking to meet friends!
• Facebook/Google: search “[interest] in [place],” for example: game design in Houston. See what’s there!
• Book Stores: browse the sections that you enjoy and see if anyone else is taking a look. You can also ask them if they’ve ever read your favorite book from that genre. 
• Cultural Events : museums, concerts, live music, local bands
• Professional Events: fairs, trade association events, entrepreneur meet ups
• Seminars and Trainings
• Singles Clubs, Speed Dating
• Self-Improvement Clubs: meditation, spirituality, law of attraction
• Networking Groups
• Become a regular at a cafe or local shop
• Public Speaking Clubs: Toastmasters is an awesome one.
• Contests and Tournaments : Poker, Video-games, Races, Dance…
• Wine/Beer Events: Casual-Drinkers clubs, Beer Fans, Wine Tasting
• Language Groups: Spanish, Italian, Klingon, etc.
• The Dog Park!: This is a gold-mine. If you don’t have a dog, ask if you can join a friend and go together. Dogs provide the cross-traffic for you!
• Organize an Event or Party: You can bring together your neighbors, other people in your building, coworkers, etc. Have your guests invite a couple friends, and have simple activities available — card games, karaoke, Taboo, conversation card games, etc.
• Farmer’s Market

Diffuse the Tension

Here’s a technique for making conversation less scary once you’re actually in it. I know it sounds crazy, but try it out: tell the other person that you’re nervous! 

Just try out being honest. What’s actually going on for you? What are you afraid of? We live in a society with such a bad habit for pretending — to be productive, happy, wealthy, wise, fulfilled, excited, etc. — that someone being emotionally honest is refreshing for everyone.

Everyone is dealing with some sort of fear or anxiety, no matter how composed they seem. Whether it’s money, personal relationships, health, career, family… even though it seems off limits to mention that you have social anxiety, it is way more common than you think. And when someone is honest and transparent, it gives the other person permission to do so, too.

Have you ever actually tried it out?

Action Step

Pick one person — start with a close friend — and share about your social fears. Tell them what’s really going on. Write it down first if that helps.

Then… pick another person, rinse and repeat!

Conclusion

There you have it! 5 actionable steps for overcoming your self-doubt and strengthening your confidence in social situations. What’s your next move?

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Andrew Vargas-Delman has a passion for honest, effective and emotionally intelligent communication. As a coach, he helps his clients in building self-confidence, communicating effectively and creating meaningful, satisfying relationships in their personal and professional lives.

To contact Andrew for individual or group coaching, or to book a speaking event, please visit: https://andrewvargasdelman.com