How to Become an Ambivert

A practical guide for introverts

 I know you’ve heard of introvert and extrovert, but ambivert? What’s that?

When someone can use both left and right hands with the same skill, they are called ambidextrous. Same thing with personality traits. An ambivert is someone who can use both introverted and extroverted traits equally well.

Many people don’t even know that’s a thing. But it is, and the ambivert movement is growing. Here's a good primer if you're interested.

In this article, I’ll be talking about the introvert to ambivert journey. Why? Well because that’s the one I know the most about, having done precisely that. If you’re an extrovert reading this, think about your introverted friends that could use some of these tips.

Before we begin, let’s get one thing out of the way. I’m not here to say introversion is inferior in anyway. There is plenty written about how to harness the power of the introvert. My aim here is to talk to those who want to experience life on the other side. If you want to change, this article is for you. If you want to stay where you’re at (and that’s totally and completely okay) there are other books and articles for you. If you’re already an ambivert, I would appreciate your feedback in the comments.

Let’s start with a discussion on extroverts. They’re pretty fun to have around, right? I mean they’re slightly annoying, but at least they’re having a good time doing it. And sometimes they even take you along for the ride. North American society seems to be enamoured with extroverts. They’re idolized in TV and film. The leader of the group always seems to be so gregarious. Leonardo DiCaprio portrays this perfectly in “The Wolf of Wall Street.”

 The problem for introverts is that picture of charisma is what people expect from leaders and anyone looking to move ahead in their careers. As an introvert, you’ve probably tried to be extroverted and it probably wasn’t great. Therefore most introverts conclude they have to find another way because they can’t be that person portrayed in our media. Or maybe, they actually don’t want to be that person. They see the ugly side of extroversion and it’s not how they want to behave.

Luckily for all of us introverts, extroversion is never the goal. There’s another and better way. It’s called ambiversion. It sits right in between introversion and extroversion. An ambivert on the surface is indistinguishable from an extrovert, except maybe they’re a bit more introspective. Ambiverts can and do use the best of both personality traits.

Introversion and extroversion aren’t two sides of a coin. They’re actually two extremes on a personality continuum.

You’ll notice the two other terms “awkwardvert” and “weirdovert” in the image. An awkwardvert is an introvert who’s just starting to make this journey and it’s awkward. The extroverted traits don’t come through perfectly, but it’s not bad. They’re at least genuinely trying while also not being annoying.

A weirdovert on the other hand is an introvert that’s gone off the deep end. It’s a misguided introvert who takes what they see in the movies to a new extreme. They’re too friendly, they’re too excited, they take too much initiative.

Example below of weirdoverts in popular culture.

Personally, I was a weirdovert for the longest time. You don’t know what you don’t know, right. But then I figured it out and dialed it back towards the middle. Now, I’m an ambivert who is slightly more extroverted.

It’s a continuum. Everyone is going to be somewhere along this line. Some of you are lucky enough to be born closer to the middle. My goal here is to help those of you at the introvert or awkwardvert stages move closer to ambivert.

Myth: becoming outgoing, charismatic, or "a talker" requires innate skills. You were either born with these traits or you weren’t.

Many of us grow up with this myth in our heads. I’m living proof that it’s completely wrong. I wasn’t a natural at anything. I know you don’t know me, but trust me on that.

Truth: Here’s at quote that changed my life. It’s from Keith Ferrazzi, author of “Never Eat Alone: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time.”

“So you weren’t born with that essential ingredient of charm, the gift of the gab. So what? Few are… Conversation is an acquired skill. If you have the determination and the proper information, just like any other skill, it can be learned.”

Charm, charisma, and conversation are all skills that can be developed. All we need are the proper tools and the focused practice. The same principles that allow you to become good at writing also apply to personality transformation.

No one is born a natural golfer, ice skater, or basketball player. Think about it: in what evolutionary tract is the motion of swinging a golf club vital to the existence of the species? Or if you prefer, why would God give anyone the specific skill that when they strap blades to their feet, they can twirl around on a sheet of ice as if carried on air?

The truth is the best athletes in the world work very hard at their craft. The best musicians and artists work very hard at their craft. Same with the best CEO’s, engineers, accountants, etc.

Then doesn’t it follow that personality change can be accomplished the same way? For sure it can. I’ve done it, and much of the world has done it. Think about the personal development section of the bookstore, or the many motivational seminars online. They all talk about practicing change.

But that’s not what where after here. I’m not trying to get you to make a million dollars or become a great leader. All I want to do is get you from introvert to ambivert. Once you’re comfortable as an ambivert, the world becomes your oyster to do with as you please.

Just to be clear, I’m not judging. If you want to become a millionaire and a leader, go for it.

The Methodology

So now that we know it can be done, how do we actually do it? There’s actually three main areas to focus on:

1. Physical appearance
2. Conversation
3. Persuasion

Rather than giving you the words to use, I’m going to focus on the methodology so that you can develop your own style. I have a some quirky things I say, so I don’t want to burden you with trying to be me.

Dress Sharp

First thing we’re going to focus on is your physical appearance. As the saying goes, you only get one chance to make a first impression. Studies have shown that people make a snap judgement based on your appearance.

Many introverts think they look “fine” and really, people should be judging them on the value they bring, not the way they look. The problem with this train of thought is you’re not giving yourself the best chance to succeed. Yes, people need to judge you on your work and your ethics, but they won’t be able to look past your appearance. Wouldn’t you rather your appearance be a non-issue? You don’t have to be a the forefront of fashion, but just dress sharp.

I’m not going to tell you how to dress as that’s very subjective. Instead, what you need to do is make use of your introvert observational powers. If you’re at home, search for images on well dressed people in your profession. Think to yourself “what is my first impression of this person?” When you’ve identified a few images that work for you, try to figure out why you like them. You’re looking for trends and creating rules for yourself.

Scroll through the images and try to put together a few different outfits that work. Then go shopping. I recommend in person rather than online. It’s just so hard to know exactly what something will look like from a photo. Also high-end stores have people whose job it is to make you look good. They’re a great source of advice.

If you’re on a budget, then head to a discount retailer like Ross or Nordstrom Rack. There won’t be any style-experts there. So if you want customer service, bring a friend. It should be obvious, but make sure they have a sense of appropriate fashion as well. Dress for first impressions, not comfort. Also, don’t go out in public wearing pyjamas.

After you’ve gotten your appearance out of the way, the second thing you’ll be doing is practicing conversation. This is the part that most introverts fear. Fortunately, fear can be alleviated through practice and preparation.

Prep for Small Talk

For extroverts, conversations come naturally. For introverts, conversation comes naturally with people you know, or in one-on-one situations. In larger situations (like a networking event) it’s usually crickets. Ambiverts will use the best of both worlds.

Try to get more one-on-one conversations going rather than fewer bigger meetings. It will allow you to be more comfortable.

Another great tip is, before you head out to something where you need to speak, do the thing introverts do best: prepare. Remember the quote above where Keith Ferrazzi said conversation is a learned skill.

Do a quick scan of the news headlines affecting your industry. Think about two or three stories you can talk about. Also, take a gander at the headlines in other interesting sections. For example, topics like health care, technology advancements, and anything related to an upcoming holiday. Again, just focus in on two or three articles and have a one-line summary or an opinion. Pro Tip: Stay away from religion and politics for now. You can circle back to these topics once you’re super-confident in your conversation skills and can skillfully deflect personal attacks.

Now you’re prepared. That should give you some confidence and get you out of the house. When you’ve got someone in front of you and it’s time for small talk, ask them if they’ve heard about any of those topics you researched. There’s your ice breaker. If more people join in, ask them their opinions on your ice breaker topics. You’ll be directing the conversation now.

After the ice breaker, you can continue through more headlines, or you can get to the meat of the conversation. And you do this by asking more questions. You want the other person to do as much talking as possible. Get them to talk about themselves, their profession, and their passions.

If they bring up a topic that you don’t know anything about, have them explain it. For example, if you’re not into sports, but the conversation is going that way, ask them why you should become a fan. Have them convince you. Get creative with your questions.

Persuade Them

Now it’s your time to talk. You have to convince people to do business with you, or see the issues from your point of view. How do you do that? Extroverts can pull you along in their arguments simply through passion and conviction, and a little bit of natural salesmanship.

With some practice and preparation you can do the same thing. How do you exude passion and conviction? Well, first you have to believe whole-heartedly in your position. Mentally, you have to convince yourself that your argument is irrefutable. A great way to do this is to play devil’s advocate with yourself.

Arguing against yourself will allow you to flesh out the full picture. It has another benefit in that it looks a lot like a sales technique. Because it is a sales technique.

It goes like this:

1. Present a position. (e.g. Introverts can become more extroverted.)
2. Provide an objection. (e.g. But most introverts don’t want to become extroverts.)
3. Handle the objection with both logic and emotion. (e.g. Heck no, don’t become an extrovert. What you want to do is become and ambivert.)

Don’t forget the emotion. As introverts we can relate to other’s situations with a high emotional quotient. Use that. Talk about it. That’s why Dan Pink in “To Sell is Human” says ambiverts make the best sales people. Empathy is powerful stuff.

Even if you’re not in sales, you’re actually still in sales. Maybe not in the traditional sense, but you’re always trying to convince people to do things or make your opinion heard. Persuasion is the new selling. So let’s say you’re always in persuasion mode.

Rinse and repeat these skills. Observe how people say and do things you think are neat, and try them out for yourself. The introvert to ambivert journey isn’t a linear path. You’ll try things that don’t work, and that’ll be okay. Just remember to reflect and make corrections. Then try again. Experimentation is part of the fun.

Join the Journey

Hopefully I’ve convince you that you too can make the change from introvert to ambivert. For myself, making the journey has been the most rewarding thing I’ve done. Initially, I resented my introverted beginnings because I felt I wasn’t born with the natural skills that others seemed to have. Now that I’ve discovered my ambiversion, I’m really thankful for my introverted skills. I have the ability to use both personality traits and can call on the right one for the right situation.

If you’ve made the journey as well, I’d love to hear about it. If you’d like more articles like this, I’d also love to hear your ideas. There’s been a lot written on the subject of introverts, extroverts and ambiverts, but I’d like this to become a forum where we can talk about the practical ways of making that journey. For those you want to go down that path, I invite you to connect.

See you on the road.

About the author

Vy Tri Truong writes and speaks on the topic of introvert to ambivert. He has co-written a book called The Ambivert Advantage: Building people skills for success in business and in life. If you have any stories to share, please reach out.