How to beat the “anxious generation’s” device addiction

To any parent, the topic of our kids’ screen time and social media is nothing new. It seems like we’re always thinking about how to shield our children from the worst of the online world while also letting them develop digital skills and keep in touch with friends. We’re constantly negotiating, both with ourselves and with our kids, as to where to draw the line.

There are no simple answers to this question, as highlighted by the recent discussion around a buzzy and controversial new book,The Anxious Generation, in which psychologist Jonathan Haidt argues that “phone-based childhood” is to blame for widespread mental health issues among teens. The anxious parents of this “anxious generation” are buying the book en masse, but it has also emerged that there’s no consensus among experts on the extent of the harm to kids caused by phones or social media. So I wanted to do something a bit different: talk about how we navigate this maze with our own children, and bring their voices into the conversation.

To me, several things are clear:?

• Phones and social media have an addictive quality, much like sugar. If adults – including me – struggle with their screen time, how are kids supposed to exercise restraint?
• Teens need some form of phone-based interaction with their peers so they don’t feel socially ostracized. Abstinence is generally not an effective strategy.
• To be successful, parents’ approaches to regulating their kids’ screen time will benefit from recognizing the societal pressures and realities their kids face.?

My daughters, Maya (12) and Ella (14), don’t have social media, with two exceptions: Maya has access to a private YouTube channel and Ella has access to Snapchat. Both of them are only allowed one hour of phone use for entertainment per day. However, Maya would like her screen time to extend later in the night, and she’d like a bit more time for talking with her friends or Netflix. Ella said she’d like to have TikTok. But neither of them thinks our rules are unreasonable, and they fundamentally understand why we implement them.?

Maya recognizes that she can sometimes spend too much time on her phone when she’s bored on the weekend. “I can literally spend hours and not notice how much time has gone by.” She has figured out a way to distract herself from her phone, so instead of going onto her phone, she cleans her room or reads.

We try to curb the most addictive qualities of social media for our kids – Ella is not allowed to maintain long Snapchat streaks (or “Snapstreaks”), which track how many days in a row you send Snaps back and forth with someone. Ella is fine with it because she knows why this rule is in place.

Our General Counsel, Amanda Walker, initially had a very strict approach and was wary of giving her older daughter Eliza a phone at all during middle school. But, that approach proved alienating for Eliza and the embargo was lifted in 7th grade when Eliza needed a phone for a class at school. After that, the negotiations shifted to social media and the moving of goalposts began. Over the last year, from age 13 to 14, complete bans for Eliza on TikTok and Snapchat turned into time limits, and then became time targets.?

The way Eliza explains it, what happens on social media is part of her school’s culture – and not having access means you’re not part of the conversation. In addition to communicating, kids learn songs or dances on social media, and then others join in. Eliza shared that, “if you don't have social media, you have no idea what they're doing or singing and then you feel really left out.” She explained that, without social media, “my social life would kind of be ruined.”?

But at the same time, Eliza felt similarly to my daughters about setting some screen time limits. After a certain amount of time on TikTok, “you just scroll, and it just takes out time and you could do more useful things or productive things. So I think 30 minutes is enough,” she said. She added, though, that trying to restrict kids’ screen time is futile. “A lot of kids, they're pros with technology, even better than most adults.” They will find a way around the restrictions (and she speaks from experience).?

I also asked her what would happen if no one her age had access to smartphones, and she gave an interesting answer: “I say this a lot – I'd rather have grown up without any of it.” Eliza likes to hear her grandmother talk about her childhood. “It just sounds so nice. She would just walk with her friends to school,” Eliza said. All of the hanging out would be in person, “you wouldn't miss out on a group text chain, or whatever, if you were not there for one minute.” Without social media, “you'd be a lot freer. And you could still hang out with your friends. But not everybody would need to know about it.”

The bottom line, all three kids said, is that parents and kids can figure out a way forward together. "I think parents should talk about it" and "have open minds" said Eliza.?

So, what does that way forward together look like? As we all know, kids have different dispositions, needs, school environments, and influences, and we parents are drawn to different approaches within the broad spectrum between abstinence and no limitations. Despite these differences, we – our kids, Amanda, and I – came up with a number of things we can all do:?

• Listen to your kids about their needs and where those needs are coming from
• Talk openly about the harms and addictive nature of social media; ask what your kids have noticed in their own use and in observing others on social media
• Model good phone behavior around your kids. And, when you have an off day, reflect with them about your own experiences – how increased usage can change your mood and keep you from the things you really want to do
• Set limits or targets for usage, and sit down regularly with your kids to review how much time they’ve spent on each platform (even better if you do it over boba drinks, or their snack of choice!)
• Turn off/mute notifications and unsubscribe from emails to limit distraction
• Set up phone downtime and/or put phones away before and during sleeping hours to preserve sleep (and establish healthy habits)
• And, importantly, demand that social media platforms share data and help fund research on social media’s harm, and implement ways to curb that harm.?

Until we have better research and reliable social media standards for our kids, through a conversation together, we can all try for that sweet spot -- using phones and social media for connection with others, without tipping into meaningless streaks, scrolling, and disconnection.?

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Our reading list:

End the Phone-Based Childhood Now – The Atlantic, Jonathan Haidt?

Inside the debate over The Anxious Generation – Platformer, Zoe Schiffer?

Health advisory on social media use in adolescence – American Psychological Association

Constant Companion: A Week in the Life of a Young Person's Smartphone Use – Common Sense Media