How to Battle a Case of the "Shoulds"

"I should be handling this better."

"This should be over by now."

Should, should, should.

"Should" is a tricky word. It implies a gap. That something is missing. That something isn't fair, or that we aren't where we think we ought to be. When my internal narrative fills with "should" sentences, I know there is something else under the surface. Something I have to watch out for if I want to progress and grow.

Entitlement.

Entitlement is a tricky word too. In the context of how we grow, entitlement is the sneaky, sneaky saboteur of the S Curve climb. It’s not a matter of if entitlement strikes, but when and how it will strike.

In normal times, entitlement often shows up when everything is working. Revenue growth is accelerating. Margins are expanding. You're the right person, on the right part of the learning curve, at the right time. But, at that very moment, when you have the cognitive and emotional bandwidth to continue to progress, you find yourself thinking, ‘I’ve built all this. I deserve my cake. This is the way things should always be.’

It might be tempting to believe that entitlement will only appear when things are going well, but it shows up in good times and hard times. It rears its head when there’s a promotion, a raise, an opportunity that you didn’t get, but deserved. When you decide that the universe is in your debt, that you are owed. Or when a global pandemic comes out of nowhere and seems to keep wreaking havoc on our lives and livelihoods.

Entitlement, at its core, is the belief that we should have something better. That can be problematic to our growth. Not only because unrealized expectations are hard to deal with, but the entitlement itself can be damaging. Especially in a time like we are living in right now. When things aren't fair. Because when things aren't fair, we may think, "Well, why even bother? It's not going to make a difference. I'm just not going to try."

But when we stop trying, we stop growing. And so we must learn how to battle our entitlement. And the best way to battle the type of entitlement we may be feeling right now - emotional entitlement - is through gratitude.

5 Things You Can Do Today to Battle Emotional Entitlement:

1. Express genuine thanks to a family member or a co-worker in an email or letter.
2. Genuinely say thank you and acknowledge people who help you – however large or small the help.
3. Practice ‘radical gratitude.’ Set a timer for 20 minutes and write down as many things as you can that you are grateful for.
4. Go for a walk, and instead of listening to music, notice and express gratitude for everything you see.
5. Focus on what you have enough of.

When things don't work, when the world feels (or actually is) out of our control, we can be mad or sad or both for a time, but then we must choose. As we've talked about, it's important to let our emotions run their course, to grieve what has been lost, but then, let the seeds of gratitude take hold and keep emotional entitlement at bay.

Do you have a gratitude practice of some kind? If you are willing, I'd love to have you share any components of your practice you're comfortable sharing in the comments below so we can help and support each other and battle entitlement together!

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Whitney Johnson is the founder and CEO of WLJ Advisors, a boutique consultancy that helps leaders and the people they work with become fluent in the language of growth. Whitney is one of the leading management thinkers in the world, according to Thinkers50, the author of the bestselling Build an A Team and critically-acclaimed Disrupt Yourself, both published by Harvard Business Press. She is a world-class keynote speaker, frequent lecturer for Harvard Business School's Corporate Learning and an advisor to CEOs. She is a member of the original cohort of Dr. Marshall Goldsmith's 100 Coaches, and was selected as MG100 / Thinkers50 #1 Coach on Talent. Whitney has 1.8 million followers on LinkedIn, where she was selected as a Top Voice in 2018, and her course on Fundamentals of Entrepreneurship has been viewed more than 1 million times.