How To Be

Last night, while watching the movie, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, I was reminded of Tommy Alexander. Both men were warm, safe and made people around them feel special.

Tommy was my best friend's father, and a people-magnet. Whenever you were with Tommy, you felt like the most important person in the room. He would be laser-focused on you, listening closely, without distraction. He’d ask probing questions, acknowledging every victory and consoling every sadness.

And his laugh! Such a jolly laugh. It was contagious. Every gathering with Tommy was a party, no matter how many people were there.

When I saw Tom Hanks portraying the caring, focused and giving qualities of Mr. Rogers, I saw Tommy as well. But Tommy had a slightly freer, wilder spirit that made him the life of the party.

Tommy died like he lived, with love and joy. Despite having a very difficult neurological illness, he was present to his last day. It will be nine years this December. I miss him. So many people miss him. 

Tommy, and Mr. Rogers, remind me of how I want to be in life.

Here are the attributes I see in people who make other people feel special and light up this world:

• Totally focused and engaged in the conversation, without distraction.
• Deeply interested in each person.
• Finding the beauty, humor or lesson in every situation.
• Seeing life as an overflowing glass, not just full.
• Asking stimulating questions.
• Telling engaging stories here and there, but more focused on others than what you have to say.
• Listening with attention and eye contact.
• Having an open heart as big as the Grand Canyon.

I know Tommy wasn’t perfect, but he had an amazing gift. Everyone fell in love with Tommy, men and women alike. His wife, Ginger, let him be as big and jolly and loving as he was, without jealousy. Ginger, who is still with us, is a stunning presence herself, and a joy to be with.

Do you know someone like Tommy? I hope you get to spend time with that person this holiday season. Do you, like me, want to be more like that person? Let’s give it a try!

Much jovial love,

Barbara Fagan-Smith

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