How to Balance Your Relationships??

‘Emotional reciprocity’ exists when you provide empathetic support to someone and, when you’re in need, that person meets you at an equal level to provide you with empathetic support.

It’s a mutually beneficial relationship with balanced levels of give and take.

Relationships that are grounded in emotional reciprocity provide some of the deepest meaning in life.

As a giver myself, I used to feel like there was no emotional reciprocity in my life. But then I stepped back and realized I didn’t HAVE to give more of myself just because I can.

I also recognized that I wasn’t allowing people to step up when I was in need because I kept it to myself. I'd secretly hope that people could read my mind and would be inappropriately upset when they didn't. These realizations created a new framework for how I chose to invest in my relationships.

?Those that were balanced earned my time and energy.

?And those that were not, I did not continue to feed with my energy.

It was shocking how easy it was to know whether or not there was emotional reciprocity in my relationships.

I would ask myself questions like…

• ??When was the last time this person stepped up for me when they knew I was in need? (Because it’s not fair to expect them to read my mind)
• ??Do I feel drained or filled after spending time with this person?
• ??Is this someone I can count on in the way they can count on me?
• ??Does this person appreciate what I bring to our relationship?

After reflecting in this way, I was aware in ways I’d never allowed myself to be before.

It’s not that I cut people out. I just allowed the ball to stay in their court until they wanted to hit it back. No follow-up on my part required.

Like, how many times do people say, “We should catch up,” but never follow through to schedule a date and expect you to take that next step?

Sometimes I was pleasantly surprised – other times I was not. It was amazing to see how many relationships completely died out because I was no longer putting my foot on the gas to create the connection between us.

Either way, I chose not be upset about feeling let down anymore. I could own my role in those dynamics and set boundaries with myself accordingly.

I also learned how to talk to the people I loved the most in my life to let them know when I felt we were off balance and see if they were aware or if there was something going on that I didn’t know about.

I did this in a very intentional way with a cherished girlfriend who had moved abroad and left without saying goodbye.

Sparing you all the details, we had plans to get together and when I followed up to see when that was going to happen she was gone.

I was so hurt.

How could this person I love so deeply not say goodbye before knowing it would likely be a year or more before we’d see each other again? She had told me she was planning a special picnic for us and then I never heard anything.

After mustering up some courage and leaning into my love for her and our relationship, I told her how the experience made me feel.

I started with, “Emotional reciprocity is something I’m working on. And so, I’m telling you this because I deeply care about you and our friendship and wanted you to know that I’m still feeling wounded from our last exchange—or more like, lack thereof. I believe we have the kind of friendship that allows us to discuss these things and move forward from them. I hope you agree.”

Without having any expectation of how or if she’d respond at all, I felt complete knowing I spoke my truth into our relationship and now allowing her the space to step up or away.

Either way, I’d made peace with it.

To my delight, she stepped up.

She acknowledged my experience and her role in it.

And then became quite vulnerable and shared what was holding her back from reaching out.

When I read it, tears of joy streamed down my face.

She ended her message with, “I want a friendship with you where we both give of ourselves and feel appreciated in the relationship. I acknowledge that I failed in this regard and I hope to regain your trust by showing you I am vulnerable in this. I really value you, in your entirety. My wish is that we can go through this life together, ever more honest and open.”

Now THIS??is the kind of emotional reciprocity that means something to me.

THIS is the kind of friend who I’ll always be able to speak my truth to.

THIS is what it feels like to be loved for all the complexities of our human experience.

THIS is why it’s worth it to be brave and speak from a place a loving kindness about your wounds that were (usually unintentionally) created by the ones who mean something to you.

This concept has created more fulfilling relationships with my husband, family, professional contacts and friends. I moved from frustration to reflection and setting healthy boundaries.

Do you know who you have emotional reciprocity with?

Do you speak up about your experience when it’s someone who’s worth “going there with”?

Are you a giver or a taker?

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