How to Balance Confidence and Vulnerability as a Leader

As an executive coach, I’ve spent nearly 20 years working with highly successful leaders who’ve hit a bump in the road. My job is to help them get over that bump by clarifying their goals and figuring out a way to reach them so that hopefully they can lead with a little more ease.?

I work with some of these leaders on my Harvard Business Review Presents?Coaching Real Leaders podcast, where I take you behind the closed doors of real coaching sessions. I also host the?Coaching Real Leaders Community, where I’m joined by an amazing group of leaders and coaches who come together to take a deeper dive into CRL episodes and their career issues.?

And in my?Coaching Real Leaders?newsletter, I share takeaways from the many coaching conversations I’ve had over the years. Whether you are a coach or a leader, my hope is that this will help you more easily navigate the challenges you and/or those you coach face.?

A senior leader recently asked me: “How do I balance confidence and vulnerability? In other words, how do I demonstrate vulnerability without showing up as lacking confidence?”

As I reflected on this question, I was curious about the use of the word “balance” because it immediately assumes confidence and vulnerability are like two separate, opposing sides of a seesaw -- where when one is high, the other must be down -- rather than realizing they are not separate but instead quite complementary to each other. So the place to start in exploring how to be vulnerable and confident is to embrace both. One does not exist without the other reframing the real question as “How does a leader demonstrate confident vulnerability?”

Let’s break down what confident vulnerability means. I often hear my executive coaching clients say “So they want me to be vulnerable. What am I supposed to do? Go in and tell them my whole life story and cry?” Therein lies the fallacy that being vulnerable is a weakness and why most high achievers at the first sense of it, turn the other way. Brené Brown negates this belief by sharing that “vulnerability is the courage to show up and be seen” thereby driving home the point that to be vulnerable does not equate weakness.

And what about confidence? When I think about confidence, I harken back to the Latin root of the word whereby “con” means with and “fide” means trust or faith. So confidence means to be “with faith”. And you don’t have to be religious to understand that faith is having a belief in the unseen or what has not yet happened. It’s that sense of being okay with ?moving forward because whatever happens next, even if it’s not according to plan, you will be able to handle it.

But let’s not get it twisted – this is not to suggest that confidence means being reckless. In his HBR article What Courageous Leaders Do Differently, James R. Detert points out that “Pretending to be fearless no matter how good the reasons to be afraid, or acting like a know-it-all no matter how obvious it is that neither you nor anyone else has all the answers, isn’t impressive. It’s dangerous — for yourself and for those who depend on you.” ?He goes on to say that especially when leading, it makes you look more confident rather than weak when you can admit what you don’t know or ask for help. This supports the notion that confidence and vulnerability are companions rather than opposing forces.

So when we put it all together, confident vulnerability is the "courage to show up and be seen" even when you don’t know exactly what will happen next – whether they will like you, whether you’ll close that deal, whether your presentation will go well, whether you’re going to get that promotion and so on.

What does confident vulnerability look like in practical, actionable terms for a leader? You don’t have to wait for big moments to demonstrate it – opportunities to show up in this way are around you all the time:

• It’s when you are honest and transparent with yourself and others about the situation your organization is in. It’s when you make decisions on what to do next.
• It’s when you course correct when those decisions are not panning out the way you thought they would.
• It’s when you share your perspective in a meeting and when you ask a question because you want to learn.
• It’s when you give and receive feedback with grace and candor. It’s when you celebrate accomplishments and take responsibility for mistakes.
• It’s when you have conviction and are open enough to listen to others’ perspectives.
• It’s when you apologize for negatively impacting others rather than act defensive or cover it up.
• It’s when you move forward even if it may cost you because you believe it will serve a bigger purpose.
• It’s when you leverage your position of power and privilege to provide opportunity and access to others.

This notion of confident vulnerability has made me reflect on my own journey as a leader at my firm, Paravis Partners, and as an executive coach. Last week, I wrapped up season 3 of the Coaching Real Leaders podcast with Harvard Business Review. I remember when I launched the show in early 2021, I was so afraid of pulling back the curtain on how I coach and being judged for it by someone else (never mind the hundreds of thousands of listeners that I had no idea would eventually tune in!). Would it tarnish my professional credibility with my clients? What if my coaching colleagues didn't like the way I coach? What if no one listened to the show? I was afraid of being vulnerable – I did not have the courage to show up and be seen outside of the comfortable container that I’d built so well. It wasn’t until I realized that my genuine desire to help others lead and live with more ease far outweighed my fear that I could move forward with the show. Looking back, every single episode has been one more opportunity to practice confident vulnerability. I thank you for giving me the space to do so.

?How do you lead with confident vulnerability? How do you recognize it in others? Share in the comments so we can all learn from each other.?

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You can catch the latest episode of Coaching Real Leaders and the last one for Season 3, "How Do I transition Out of My Current Career?" and all Coaching Real Leaders episodes on?Harvard Business Review,?Apple?or wherever you get your podcasts.?

Can’t wait to connect with you again. Until then, be well.