How a bad work experience can make you, not break you

It is all too common to have a bad work experience. It is commonplace but sadly not discussed because people feel ashamed, isolated and fearful or anxious.

In this article I explore the situation, how this works out for the worker who has been affected (broken) and a different, far more positive possibility (it makes them!).

The type of bad experience I am talking about has some of these characteristics.

• an individual in a position of authority is involved
• a worker has taken action which involves the individual in authority - they felt it was the right thing to do
• Or the worker has been the target of bad treatment (e.g. demotion, sacking, being sidelined, mislead in some way) which they believe to be unfair
• the worker has been targeted, shutdown or challenged for raising an issue
• others are pretending it hasn't happened or refusing to get involved
• the worker feels confused, angry, betrayed and scared
• the worker starts to doubt themselves and distrust others' actions (they struggle to know who to trust)
• they get stuck and don't know what to do or say
• they ruminate on the unfairness
• they try (unsuccessfully) to analyse the 'protagonist' or other's motivations
• it causes them to question their values and what they thought was important (surely it isn't a case of - if you can't beat 'em join 'em?)

It is not a great story and sadly is not unusual especially in hierarchical organisations.

It may also involve unofficial agreements between different parties which expect loyalty.

As an aside, this is not in any way 'inevitable' and just a 'cost of doing business'. Healthy organisations anticipate these possibilities and 'design in' structures and processes that prevent this from happening.

They understand the value and inevitability of inter-personal tensions and provide the means for learning from them and making them a positive opportunity, as opposed to something that generates fear, driving them to be shut down as quickly as possible.

The awareness of this and the understanding of what processes and structures are needed to learn from inevitable tensions is not widespread (the Earthaconter Community is one organisation that values tension that arises from our uniqueness and uses it to grown individually and collectively).

Typically it leaves the worker's self confidence severely dented. This means that they try to make themselves 'safe' (e.g. leave, transfer etc) and are more cautious and suspicious in the future. They hold themselves back and their potential is curtailed whilst they rebuild their confidence.

Fortunately it doesn't have to be this way!

And it actually has a name in psychology - post traumatic growth.

It is defined as

positive psychological change experienced as a result of struggling with highly challenging, highly stressful life circumstances

I have experienced this myself on several occasions.

I also used to run away, deny and try to move on before I understood this was possible.

This was before I understood that all the challenging emotions had a purpose - I describe them as the compost from which something beautiful grows.

The bad news is that if you don't have the compost (i.e. you try to repress the difficult emotions in whatever way), there won't be any beautiful growth.

It is difficult to navigate, maintain perspective, belief and the equanimity for this to happen. It is especially difficult to do on your own which is why having a coach who has been there is invaluable.

I'll be honest, it makes me angry that this is what people have to put up with in their workspace. I want more for you - this is an opportunity for you to learn and take back control.

If you or someone you know is in this position and wants to turn this difficult experience into something that makes them and they are sick of being broken, book some time with me.

It might not be the right time for you now and that is fine. Your number one priority is always to look after yourself.

Feel free to come back when it feels less raw and you are better able to deal with this (but remember that I am a coach and this is a place where you can let go and express your emotions. I can help you use them to grow. Everything we discuss is confidential).

Read more about my programme designed to address this - Grow Back Strong