How to avoid getting stuck in difficult work experiences

I have spoken to a number of people recently and have noticed a pattern which I would like to explore here with you.

It arises from a work experience which generated strong emotions where the individual has been shocked and feels they have lost control.

Here are some examples (based on these conversations):

• individual in the C-suite is fired at short notice. It is a shock as it was completely unexpected. It takes the individual months to get over this.
• similar to above but the individual made a strategic decision which lead to this outcome. This decision and the actions that followed were generally agreed to be good for the organisation as a whole. The individual is shocked and angry and struggles to move on. They feel angry with themselves for not planning for this possibility.
• employee is fired unexpectedly. They have given a great deal to the organisation but this appears to have no bearing on the decision. The usual explanations (it's not personal) sound hollow. The individual is embittered and is left with feelings of distrust, causing him to hold back in future employment.

The pattern that I am exploring and playing with the phrase of 'control shame' is the shame that an individual feels when they have lost control and felt exposed and vulnerable.

Safety is deep human need so, if it is threatened, it is not surprising that strong feelings arise.

Shame is a very difficult emotion to accept. They may express this as anger which can be against themselves as well as others (the 'perpetrators').

The intellect will 'double down' on the controlling behavour (see below) to protect them from this happening in the future

From my own experiences this can be made worse when there is a reliance on the intellect to plan, predict and use this to be successful in the 'game' of work.

If the individual is expecially proud of their intelligence and their ability to 'be in control' then the emotions can be that much stronger.

Our rational mind controls through planning, predicting, assessing risks and making strategic decisions. The way to become more skilled is through increased understanding and knowledge at an intellectual level. This might be through, for example, understanding interpersonal dynamics; power and politics; self-mastery.

It provides us with the illusion of control.

The natural world is constantly reminding us that we aren't in control. We can't plan for every eventuality. We cannot foresee every event or even know that a risk exists in the first place.

We can attempt these exercises but they will never give us complete control and safety in the way the intellect desires.

If we recognize the futility of believing that we are fully in control (or ever were), what can we do?

Faith comes in here.

I have faith in nature. This has come through my own experience and the understanding from reading The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know is Possible by Charles Eisenstein. The book explains how we came to believe we are separate from nature; nature needs to be controlled and the consequences of this false belief.

This has come from experiencing this viscerally by valuing and noticing my feelings to guide me.

This is a different form of bodily intelligence that we are poorly equipped to use. Our education (depending on when and where you went through school) does a very poor job of equipping us to value, understand, utilise our feelings to help with our mental, emotional and spiritual growth.

This is why I designed the Grow Back Strong programme.

These challenging times are the perfect opportunity for significant growth.

If you know anyone who is struggling or has struggled to move on from a challenging work experience, please share this article with them.