How To Avoid And Counteract Gaslighting As A Leader

POST WRITTEN BY

Jonathan H. Westover, Ph.D

OD & Change Management Consultant (Human Capital Innovations ); Chair/Professor, Organizational Leadership (Woodbury School of Business, UVU ), Social Impact & Innovation Guru

We’ve all been there: A leader conveys a particular negative message, a certain harmful policy or practice is put in place or shifting priorities result in moving away from what was previously discussed or agreed upon. Sometimes this happens in completely innocent ways; after all, we are all imperfect, fallible individuals, and we fall down and mess up even when we have the best of intentions. Sometimes, things are even unclear in our own mind or we simply forget.

However, whether the mistake is innocent or not, intentional or not, when employees receive these types of shifting, mixed messages, the result is increased confusion and disorientation, as well as a decrease in trust, morale and employee engagement.

In my experience, team members are usually pretty understanding and forgiving when something like this happens, as long as the leader can acknowledge the gaffe or mistake, sincerely apologize and work to resolve the issues and harms they may have caused. When this happens, leaders show their vulnerability, humility and willingness to learn and grow, and in so doing, they are able to develop deeper relationships of mutual accountability and trust with their people.

The real problem emerges when a clear pattern of leadership mistakes, coupled with not acknowledging or accepting responsibility, results in leaders scapegoating others or even gaslighting members of their team.

The Toxicity Of Gaslighting In The Workplace

What is gaslighting? Psychologists?define ?it as "a specific type of manipulation where the manipulator is trying to get someone else (or a group of people) to question their own reality, memory or perceptions."

When a leader gaslights others, whether it is intentional or not, rather than holding themselves accountable, they retroactively try to shift the context and understanding around the issue at play. Rather than admit a mistake was made, or provide justifications for why some change was made, they pretend like what happened is what was always understood or agreed upon. Of course, team members know this is not the case, so the leader has done nothing more than discredit themselves and undermine their own influence with their team.

Sometimes individuals may manipulate or gaslight and be unaware they are doing it. Or perhaps they do it with the best of intentions — trying to manipulate others to arrive at what they think is a mutually beneficial, positive outcome. However, often gaslighting is a tactic actively and intentionally used by toxic leaders to maintain power and control over their people, with incredibly damaging effects.

As stated in a?Harvard Business Review ?article , “Gaslighting is a particularly nefarious form of toxicity due to its subtle and insidious nature. While it is easy to spot toxic leaders who scream, bully, and abuse publicly, gaslighting behavior is much more covert. Gaslighters know how to fly under the radar. They are adept at undermining an employee’s self-esteem, confidence, and sense of reality in subtle, sneaky, and hard-to-prove ways.” Because this form of toxic bullying can be hard to detect, and even harder to prove, leaders who regularly gaslight can often cause extensive harm to their team over an extended period of time. Regardless of the intention, this common workplace behavior is toxic, undermines trust and should be avoided.

Avoid And Counteract Gaslighting

How can you proactively avoid gaslighting, even if done unintentionally? Below are several approaches that will help you to avoid gaslighting, as well as counteract gaslighting from others on your leadership team.

Practice regular self-reflection and foster intellectual humility.?We don’t know what we don’t know, and if we have a gaslighting blind spot in our interactions with our people, we need to be humble and teachable enough to question our own recollection and understanding of past events and agreements and open ourselves up to critical self-examination. As we practice regular self-reflection and strive for intellectual humility, we will be in a better position to notice when gaslighting is happening and take steps to stop it.

Actively listen to the perceptions of your team members.?Just because a leader may think they are staying consistent, being fair and holding themselves accountable, doesn’t mean that perception is shared by members of the team. As most of the negative impacts of gaslighting happen regardless of intention, as long as those impacted feel like they are being gaslit, leaders need to seek regular feedback from their people and actively listen to make sure the perceptions of team members are understood.

Practice vulnerability and own up to your mistakes.?Leaders need to be emotionally and psychologically secure enough in their own leadership style and approach to be willing to practice transparent vulnerability and take responsibility for mistakes. Be willing to acknowledge the missteps, apologize and try to make things right with your people. Modeling vulnerability in your team will also increase the likelihood of team members being willing to do the same.

Develop and sustain authentic relationships of mutual accountability and trust.?Ultimately, leadership is about trust. When gaslighting occurs, trust, and thereby influence, is destroyed. Proactively work to develop and sustain genuine relationships of mutual accountability and trust with your people and make it clear that toxic gaslighting behaviors will not be tolerated by you or any other member of your team. Then, live up to it.

This article was originally published at Forbes.com .?