How Authentic can you be with your Boss?

One challenge many face is when to be authentic with bosses or leaders and when to fall back onto a more monotone personality style. I have experienced this in my career. Work is work, sometimes frustrating. And we all feel the need from time to time to vent or share frustration. But does a boss understand what is venting and what is personality style outside of the safe 1:1 space? How much can you share without compromising your credibility or being viewed as "emotional?"

Have you Met Me?

I'm an expressive person, According to 16 Personalities, I'm ENFP-t. "A Campaigner (ENFP) is someone with the Extraverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Prospecting personality traits. These people tend to embrace big ideas and actions that reflect their sense of hope and goodwill toward others. Their vibrant energy can flow in many directions." According to DISC assessment, I'm a high DI, "With a position on the middle top of the DISC, Initiators are typically perceived as more extraverted, and others may find themselves very engaged and absorbed in interactions. Initiators tend to communicate clearly and vividly to others using an emotionally expressive and demonstrative style." And according to Myers-Briggs, I'm a tell-assertive expressive. It's all true. When I take these tests and read the assessments, usually sharing with my husband, it's like they should just have a picture of me, because it's usually quite accurate with some modifications. I'm intrigued. I'm leaning in. I'm passionate. I'm a relationship builder. I do have times of great pause and quiet, because every extrovert needs to refuel. Plus, I'm an attorney, so I've been trained to be thoughtful and ask questions. But by and large, I'm an animated joyful person, ready to take on a challenge and facilitate a solution. This may seem great, but at times, it's a challenge for me to draw the boundaries of "me" and who I am and how I communicate with my managers.

Is the space between Boss and Employee really a Safe Space?

I enjoy the 1:1 space I have with my managers or leaders. I like sharing my concerns, I like learning more. I am a firm believer that one of the keys to leadership is listening to leaders -the great ones and even the not-so-greats. There's always learning. I personally invest a lot of trust in the manager-employee relationship. It's my time to learn, to vent, to laugh about our common business "foes" if you will, and maybe even to work through conflict. When I'm with my manager, I am my authentic self. Not the "self" I am at home with my lovely but infuriating puggle puppies or with my husband when he cannot figure out that the blue light on the dishwasher means the dishes are clean. But the authentic work Linda - ENFP or DI or whatever that flavor is. I share, in my voice, using my lexicon, my frustrations and opinions. I will not share these same feelings or frustrations with clients or stakeholders. However I consider the relationship between boss and employee a sacred space where we can talk, where I can get feedback and coaching and guidance in decision-making.

"Now, don't get emotional, but..."

However, there's also that boundary - that invisible line where authenticity is an indictment of professionalism. I'm using a broad brush here, but for women, it's challenging because if we are frustrated and when we express frustration, we're "emotional." I've witnessed male colleagues have strong reactions to decisions and not get any classification other than "he's pretty p****d off!" But no criticism or compromise of his leadership. Example: In a former role, I had a major multi-million dollar project I was leading. It was fraught with financial administrivia and approvals, complicated CAPEX and OPEX formulas, and voices from IT, Finance, Credit, Business, Legal, Compliance, all the way to the highest levels of the organization. It was fantastic in it's size and scope and complexity, which can be fun, but it was nightmarish as it relates to decision-making. One week in my 1:1 with my boss, they announced "oh there was a major shift in the project and now we will do this and that." The project direction was significant and resulted in the undoing of hours of work and agreements, but also compromised my OPEX (huge deal, don't touch my OPEX). I was frustrated. What I'll mention here is before the announcement was made, I was told, "Now don't get emotional, but...". To me, the warning was, "do not be yourself, you will be judged." I'm not the type to yell, or throw things about or pound my fist on a desk or even walk out. Most of us aren't. But was I pretty honked off? I sure was. It was a big thing. Is it normal? Sure is! Why was it different for me than another colleague who'd let the expletives fly? And should it be?

What Would the business client see Linda?

In the above situation, would I have shown my frustration, that I was actually not allowed to show, to the business client? No. Now many of us have robust relationships with our internal business clients, sometimes even friendships, so you may have a safe space with a client some may not have. But no, because I'm frustrated and irritated about a decision, and I share that with a boss, doesn't mean that this is what the client will see. Again, I consider the boss - employee relationship the safe space to air grievances about a project decision so we can work through it together.

When Authenticity becomes the Obstacle to Promotion or Leadership

While we constantly hear, "bring your authentic self" to work or "we believe that every employee should bring their authentic self to the office," just what do we mean by that? And how much is too much. If I am my ENFP self with my boss, whether being thrilled, concerned, outspoken, or frustated, will my boss accept this within the confines of our safe space to talk or will my boss extrapolate that to "this is how she is with clients?" This has happened to me. I had a very smart manager, when I was a bit younger, who was more reserved, more quiet and analytical. When I would speak with him in our 1:1s, I would be myself, express frustration with what I considered an uninformed decision or excitement over a great project, and as a result, I would get dinged. He made the assumption that how I was with him, in this space where he could coach me as I was learning, was how I just was. I was young in my career, however I had a previous manager who was very invested in understanding personality style and coaching and mentoring with the style in mind. She was very awesome and I felt true growth as an employee. I figured this extended to all management relationships because this style was defined as the culture of our organization. It was proselytized that this is how we must engage in performance management to have strong team culture and personal success and growth. That was not the case. Instead, I was viewed as volatile, too outspoken, and exciteable. Perhaps there were kernels of truth, but in no way could I ever be myself. I couldn't be authentic on the rare occasions I spoke with him. As a result, I pulled away, found ways not to even speak with my manager on a regular basis - even avoid walking by his office- which is what he wanted as well. I operated alone, drove decisions and projects alone and watched as he promoted and celebrated the actions of others more like him. It was debilitating.

So where do we go from here?

How do we draw the boundaries? In this new day and age where we are talking about authenticity, embracing diversity of thought, opinion, ethnicity and gender, how do we do this without stereotyping and inhibiting success? And how are we authentic while drawing logical boundaries? The obvious answer is by having that honest conversation with the boss to say "this is my style, and if I react to you, it doesn't mean that I react to clients, stakeholders, mucketies, parents, students, etc in the same manner." But further, how do we deconstruct false narratives about the angry black woman or the emotional female? We're human, sometimes a decision feels dumb. Sometimes we want to lament what we see as dumb decisions. I'm sure even Steve Jobs himself thought "that's dumb!" I'm not suggesting that we all rage against the machine or that there is NO line you can't cross. Of course, if there's consistent behavior that leaves the safe space of manager and employee and translates to all interactions, then absolutely, there's some performance issue or some root cause analysis that needs to happen. However, many times, it's a perception or an assumption that how you react in the safe space of manager and employee, mentor and mentee is just how you react. These assumptions and stereotypes kill culture and performance and ultimately break a culture of diversity equity and inclusion.

Please leave your comments, experiences and advice on how we go from here. This is a necessary conversation and one that many men and women, black, white, brown, LGBTQ, high SC, INTJ would like to have, but are afraid for fear of being classified as "that person." Let's think about this. Let's talk.