How to ask for what you want (and get it)

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A common thing I'm asked in my business and confidence workshops is, "how do I get this promotion?" Or, something similarly outcome-driven.

Someone will describe to me how hard they've worked, how long they've been with the company, and all they commit to their role. Sound familiar?

I understand how frustrating it can be to not get what you deserve.

However, when we are so focused on the outcome we forget it's dependent on the process. And, while this takes some finesse, I'm convinced anyone can learn the process.

It's synonymous with one of the most uncomfortable words in the English language — negotiation.

Today, we will learn some key elements of negotiation to get you the outcome you want and deserve — whether you're employed, self-employed, or looking for your next opportunity.

Let's start with one fact — nearly everything in life is a negotiation. Knowing that, you realize you're exposed to this a lot more than you think.

Aside from safety, few solutions are a simple "yes" or "no." Seeing the world as existing somewhere in between these poles opens incredible opportunities to develop even better opportunities in collaboration with others, if you consider these 3 key points.

1. Know that rewards will never be gifted to you.

This is the first lesson and, often, the hardest. While you may deserve it, rewards don't just fall in your lap.

In order for change to happen, recognize that status quo needs to be disrupted. And it is up to you to be that disruptor.

I get it — this requires you to put yourself out there and create (what you believe to be) an uncomfortable situation by "asking" for something — a raise, a promotion, a special project assignment (you will see with points #2 and #3 you are never asking for something).

However, the more often you speak up, the more comfortable and natural this will feel.

Here are some tips for doing this effectively:

1. If you're an introverted or non-reactive person (cue all the people who think after-the-fact, "I wish I had said that!"), lean into this. Collect your thoughts and present them at a different time, considering all 3 points here. It's never too late to advocate for yourself.
2. If you're an extroverted or reactive person (cue all the people who think after-the-fact, "Maybe I shouldn't have said that!"), embrace your enthusiasm. Own that your voice carries power and consider the upcoming 2 points to deliver your message most effectively.

The first lesson here is — open your mouth and speak, because no one will do it for you. Trust me, it does get easier.

2. Identify your BATNA.

This is a classic principle from negotiating theory. BATNA stands for "best alternative to a negotiated agreement." This essentially means that if the deal falls through, this is the alternative you'll be left with (and one you're willing to live with).

Developing your BATNA helps you in a few ways:

1. You're less desperate and reliant on this particular deal working out.
2. It gives you a "measuring stick" to compare the deal at hand with what you'd have if you walked away.
3. It equips you with a greater network, knowledge of the market, and additional opportunities.

For example, you should avoid going into any salary or job negotiation with the mindset, "If I don't get this salary bump or job offer, I don't have any alternatives." If you do, you will likely accept anything pushed in your general direction.

Instead, research and consider ahead of time comparable numbers and opportunities. Decide what's acceptable to you and what's not.

Remember one thing — always have options.

A bonus perk in researching your BATNA is meeting other great people (potentially other employers) through networking. Your network is an absolutely invaluable "secret weapon" of your BATNA, since these people may be your lifeline for other opportunities (and vice versa).

Beyond numbers and finances, let's point out that not everything is about money. Consider what alternatives to the deal there are — if they can't match your salary request, can they offer other tangible benefits or opportunities that compensate for that? You'd be surprised the creativity that exists when you open yourself up to options beyond finances.

3. Make it mutually beneficial.

Regardless of how fantastic you are and how much you deserve something, your success increases exponentially if you frame every proposition as mutually beneficial. This does not mean trickery or being disingenuous. Instead, it's about finding creative solutions where everyone wins in some fashion.

(The double-win here is that you've just preserved a great relationship that has possibilities for further collaboration down the road.)

Consider these examples...

How does promoting you help your organization achieve their goals better or faster?

How does a flexible work schedule allow you to increase your productivity for the company?

How does changing your office location resolve challenging interpersonal issues within the team?

Framing is important.

People know when they are being hustled though. So, like in any good relationship, approach this with genuine openness to reach a mutually beneficial solution and everyone will feel good about it.

Negotiation doesn't need to give you the "heeby-jeebies," or make you want to crawl under a rock. Think of negotiation as the way to preserve and develop relationships and opportunities, while advocating for yourself (because no one will do that part for you).

If you respect yourself (with your BATNA) and respect your negotiating partner (with a mutually beneficial proposition), your likelihood of success increases.

But, it all starts with one action — speaking up.

Until the next issue, stay curious!

P.S. Questions? Comments? Found this interesting? Send me a DM! I'd love to hear your thoughts and what you're going through.

P.P.S. Are you struggling with confidence in negotiation? Reach out via DM. Happy to chat and offer some help.

Hey! I'm Kathryn ( Kathryn Preston ). I'm a cleft & special needs orthodontist - turned university faculty and researcher - turned Ed Tech founder, keynote speaker, and corporate consultant.

I specialize in outside-the-box thinking to empower people with the hard and soft skills to excel in their careers, while coaching teams and leaders on how to build more productive and inclusive organizations.

Above all else, I am a perpetual optimist convinced there is always a better way — and I'm determined to find it.

Join me through my posts and this newsletter, "The Curious Entrepreneur," to explore the hard and soft skills necessary to build and run a successful venture (even if your venture is "life").

Welcome, fellow Curious Entrepreneurs!