How to Ask for Help (for Kids)

Let’s be honest - as parents, I don’t think we truly remember how tough it was being a little kid (okay, maybe some of you with those crazy good memories do. But the rest of us?). There are some new, big emotions going on in those tiny bodies. Ever had a time where how you were feeling (let’s say, frustration) got the better of you? How’d that go? And you’re an adult.

When it comes to kids, asking for help (and knowing how to ask for help) can be confusing. And having the know-how to ask for help isn’t inherently a part of a child’s day-to-day mentality. It’s part of growth and development, and teaching your kids how to ask for help and when to ask for help is a crucial part of being a good parent.

But before we get to the How, let’s start with the Why.

Why teach kids how to ask for help?

Somehow the notion that kids inherently know how to do or ask for things got passed down through the generations - we see this in the easily frustrated parent whose kid just “can’t get it.” It’s easy to forget that kids are visual and auditory learners who imitate by example. So maybe we’re all too quick to assume they know when to ask for help or how to figure it out on their own. But their little brains don’t always work that way. 

As parents, it’s our job (dare I say, calling) to both model with awareness and actively teach our kids from as early as we can. This is, by the way, all a part of an authoritative parenting style (not authoritarian - that’s bad) which seeks to find the balance between nurturing your child and holding your ground as their parent.

The freedom to live without shame

Independence is good. I LOVE that my kids are super independent and creative. But it’s also important for kids to learn it’s okay to ask for help. That there’s no shame in it. I don’t know when the message to “pull yourself up by your own bootstraps” came to dominate thinking in society, but I remember as a kid asking for help (in school at least) made you lesser in some way. You should be able to figure it out! And if you can’t? Well, guess you need to try better next time (or in some cases, next year). It’s been over 20 years so I’m sure schools have gotten better.

Community life is all about helping one another. Teach this to our kids at an early age and they’ll grow up to understand and implement it fully.

They’ll model kindness

Teaching kids how to ask for help is important because they see how we treat their requests for help. We’re modeling the kind of behavior we want our kids to show others - they can offer assistance to those in need, too. Your kids will learn kindness by experiencing kindness. You can teach them about kind people in stories and tell them about what kindness is all day long. But until they see you modeling kindness toward them, it’s not really going to stick. Teach them the Golden Rule by kindly helping them when they ask for help, and they’ll go out and do likewise.

“Your kids will learn kindness by experiencing kindness from you.”

Cultivates critical thinkers

Helping them know how to think through a situation will shape a little critical thinker. This is such an important skill set (“fake news” anyone?) - part of being a good parent is helping our kids use their brains to discover a solution. When they realize a solution may be something too big for them, critical thinking helps encourage them to know “hey, I should ask mom and dad!”

How can kids ask for help?

Okay, great. We’ve established the Why. But you may have already had some of these concepts in your head - I just put them in tangible form in front of your face. The real question deals with the How. We need to establish easy and understandable ways kids can learn how to ask for help. And more often than not, parents need to be the primary initiators. Encourage them and give them actionable steps they can take, too. 

This isn’t an exhaustive list, but it should give you a great start of actionable ways you can begin with your kids today (or tomorrow, if you’re reading this before bed).

1. When something is frustrating, take a deep breath

Do you ever get really worked up and you either do or say something you later regret? Yeah, me too. As an adult, we sometimes get overwhelmed with even the simplest of frustrations (here’s looking at you, applesauce lid). Now consider your kids - they’re dealing with similar emotions, just on a grander scale. And for the younger kids, these emotions are new (and maybe a little scary). Something as tiny as not having matching socks can set them on a full-out breakdown of epic proportions. So what’s the solution?

Deep breaths have been shown to induce a calming effect on the brain. This means that taking time to slow down and just breathe helps with regulating the control center for your emotions. Think of deep breathing like those really awesome misting fans you take to Disney World - they’re great for cooling you down on a hot day.

By teaching our kids to stop and take deep breaths when they’re feeling frustrated, we’re teaching them how to self-regulate. This will help them calm down and find the clarity of mind to realize they need to ask for help and what it is they need help with.

2. See if you can figure it out first

Our kids are inherently needy - we definitely don’t want them to expect us to do everything for them. That’s just not practical. Or cool.

Teaching your kids to try and figure out a solution before they ask for help won’t just keep you from losing your mind, but will be an excellent life skill (critical thinkers, for the win!).

Try reframing whatever task they’re stuck on - put it into words that sound fun or unique to them!

3. If you can’t get it the first time, don’t give up right away

Stephen King, the well-known author, spent many, many years writing stories and submitting them to magazines and publications. He’s said he used to keep a stack of rejection slips nailed to the wall with a railroad spike. It took him over 20 years of perseverance to get his first real book advance (as well as his wife finding thrown away pages of a story and telling him to pursue it, later becoming one of his most well known: Carrie). Now he’s known globally and one of the world’s best-loved authors.

What’s the point? Perseverance. It can be really tough to follow through with something if you don’t get it right the first time. I should know - I struggle getting stuff done all the time (just ask my wife). But the fulfillment from figuring something out on your own, especially if you don’t get it the first time, is monumental. Julie Andrews said it well: “Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th.”

Encourage your kids to be perseverant. Be there to help them succeed by knowing they shouldn’t just give up the first time. They don’t need to spend a crazy amount of time trying to figure it out. But instilling in them at an early age the concept of perseverance will play out in the long run as they grow up.

4. Find mom or dad and see if they can show you how

Mom (or dad), don’t just show them to get them off your back so you can get back to your thing. Use this as a teaching opportunity. Make figuring out a solution to your kid’s problem a game emphasizing teamwork. Role-play scenarios, but switch roles (you are the one asking for help and they have to help you or work together and come up with solutions with you). Find fun questions to ask your kids to help spark their creative thinking to come up with solutions.

When should kids ask for help?

It's not enough to just teach your kids how - teach them the appropriate time, too. When they seek you out is important because we still want our kids to know they can think of a solution and figure it out for themselves (instead of coming to you with every little thing). Here are three examples of when it’s appropriate for your kids to ask for help:

• When they’ve already tried more than once
• If they’re starting to feel upset or discouraged and can’t self-regulate
• If they’re not sure if it’s safe to try on their own

Helping your kids understand the why, when, and how is challenging but also rewarding, shaping them to become little learners who can grow to empathize with others and help those in need.

What are some ways you’ve helped your kids ask for help? I’d love to hear about them! You can always reach out to me here on LinkedIn, email me at [email protected], or find me on Instagram and Facebook.

P.S. I wrote a children’s book that teaches kids to think big, as well as knowing they can ask for help! You can find it on Amazon.