How to ask for help it (and actually accept) without appearing needy!

Whenever I see a photo of Usian Bolt with his coach one thought comes to mind:

One of these fellas can run 100 Metres in less than 10 Seconds.

The other one knows how to do it.

And neither of them thinks this arrangement makes Mr Bolt appear weak.

Good Girl Guilt

I grew up with my grandma's voice in my head: "Good girls are seen and not heard." I have always been three to five business days away from achieving that!?

Speaking up, taking up space and generally being the opposite of a silent ‘good girl’ helped me to navigate away from the trauma of being silenced as an abused child and the shame I felt being homeless as a teenager.

It helped me to be strong, face adversity and stand my ground. The fierce independence was not only required, it kept me alive. I was an OG independent woman way before Destiny’s Child got stranded on a desert island.

As a kid, it also made me unpopular with the adults who found my behaviour challenging.?

As an adult, it led to an inability to trust or rely on anyone but myself. If I hadn't been lucky enough to meet and fall in love with Ed, it would have made a fulfilling relationship impossible.

I didn't trust anyone because no one was reliable enough to be trusted or even just to help. I hid behind "I can do it myself" instead of dealing with my fear and vulnerability. One of those fears was that people would see me as being needy.

Basic Needs vs Neediness

There's a significant difference between being needy and basic human need.

The idea that you - one human speck in this massive universe - have gleaned all the information you could possibly need to cover every experience yourself is simply bonkers!

Of course you need help. We all do.

You may be aware that I’ve been writing a book which accompanies a documentary about my childhood. It covers the five teachers who saved my life, describing what was happening at home, what was happening at school, and what the teachers did that made all the difference.?

Here's the short version (saving you ￡16.99) they were Human Savlon.

In my keynotes, I share some of my personal journey and invite others to be 10% braver or re-story their life. People laugh, cry and leave on a high, and often share the changes they have been inspired to make with me.?

My keynotes are powerful and the book goes even further. It's also come at a cost.

It's been incredibly traumatic. I’ve processed a lot of trauma, but the body has a habit of remembering what the brain forgets. Capturing so much detail in writing brought things that had long been buried to the surface.

I struggled. Writing affected my life outside of writing. I set and failed to meet deadlines and regularly felt like a total failure. Ed asked me, in a way only he can if I was sure I was using all of my resources. My initial response to him was the equivalent of a short sharp visit to Scissorland! He flashed his kind smile and reminded me that I hadn’t asked for any help.?

So I did. I gave myself some grace space. I went back into therapy - twice. I reached out to people who I knew were great editors, great friends, people who have more skill than me and could be objective about the mindset potholes I was falling into.

It worked. A small army of everyday heroes helped me to complete my book about the power of everyday heroes and it is finally being released this summer!

Watch this space for the tour!

Being Strong Enough to Ask

I’ve learned that the strongest people I know ask for help. They recognise when someone else knows more, has been there before, or can see what they can't.

That's not weakness. That's wisdom.

Usain Bolt didn't become the fastest human alive by sitting on his sofa shoving Chocolate Hobnobs in his gob and crossing his fingers, hoping for the best. He found a coach, threw the half eaten packet of Hobnobs in the bin*, got up and did the work!

Asking for help doesn't make you needy; it makes you a human. A full-fat one at that!

Got a tip for asking for help? Please share it in the comments!

*I can neither confirm nor deny that Usain Bolt has ever eaten, currently eats or ever plans to eat a Chocolate Hobnob. He seems like a man of good taste so I’m merely speculating.