How to Ask For Grace, Speak Up in the Moment, and More

Issue 04

Editor’s Note:?Asking for grace is a complicated topic for recovering perfectionists and high-achievers like myself. Wanting to push through because you've been conditioned to over-achieve coupled with not wanting to let others down is a topic I explored in a Washington Post op-ed a couple of years ago. I spoke to women including Amber about how difficult it is to admit we need a break, we need support, or we need some grace.

So I was particularly thrilled when Amber chose asking for grace as her next skill to teach.

More than apologizing, asking for grace is about revealing where you've fallen short and need the other party to cut you some slack.

It's a charged topic in the workplace - especially for women and professionals of color - because we don't always necessarily feel safe admitting to a mistake, asking for a deadline extension, or showing up as anything other than perfect.

Jobs have been lost for less.

But are we exhausting ourselves on the altar of perfectionism? Could asking for grace help us evade burnout? If so, it's worth it to learn how to ask for the grace we need. -?Amanda Miller Littlejohn

We asked LinkedIn: Do you find it difficult to ask for grace when you make a mistake?

64% of respondents said they didn't find it difficult to ask for grace but accepting grace - or extending oneself grace - was another story.

Kellie Lease Stecher, MD is an OBGYN and Co-Founder of Patient Care Heroes. She said she struggles with giving herself grace.

"If I can't give myself grace, hard to imagine asking for it," Stecher wrote.

Learning design manager Heejin Yoon had a similar perspective.

"I do not find it difficult to apologize," she wrote. "And I never expect grace in return, because I don't believe I'm owed it if I made a mistake that hurt someone.

So if the question was actually "do you find it difficult to apologize" the answer would be no. But the answer to the actual question is kind of moot for me because I don't ask for grace (though I hope for it). (although my trauma responses are also prone to rejecting grace when people give it to me willingly .... it's a worthiness thing. Working on it in therapy lol) Accountability is extremely important to me. Growing up in a home where I was never apologized to, it became extremely important to me to apologize when I did wrong, even if I really did not want to. Once I get to a point where I realize I made a mistake and hurt someone, I can't ignore it until I've acknowledged and apologized."

Leadership development consultant Kwesi Johnson spoke to the difficulty of accepting grace.

"I don’t find it difficult to ask for grace, now accepting that grace and believing that it is genuine is a different story," he wrote.

Lisa Nichols , a career and leadership consultant, had a similar sentiment.

"I find that receiving it is more challenging than apologizing or asking for grace," she shared.

Event planner Shayna Sims stressed the importance of giving grace.

"If I make an error, I need to treat myself how I would treat others: assume positive intent," she wrote. "The workplace environment is so important to determine how one feels after a mistake. A positive environment lends well to quick solutions in a teamwork end-goal mentality. I am happy to be working with a company that is like this."

On your journey through life as a human, at some point, you're bound to make a mistake. You may say the wrong thing or act imperfectly and fail to uphold your own high standards. And if you dare to have a personal opinion or unique perspective, you'll likely offend someone along the way - EVEN if you have the best intentions.

So....does that mean you should run and hide, lest you get canceled? Should you STOP speaking up? Absolutely not.

To err is human, so you may as well learn to leverage the twin powers of transparency and authenticity to ask for GRACE.

As you build the muscle to advocate for yourself, don't forget to add this critical skill to your toolkit.

Do's And Don'ts for when you need to ask for grace :

Do Disagree gracefully. We've all had the experience of hearing someone share a strong opinion in a meeting or elsewhere at work and we had strong but differing experiences that completely invalidated their claim. Instead of starting with "I disagree!" which will likely lead to an unnecessarily heated debate, simply - and calmly - say

"So my experience has been...." and share your experience.

Do Ask For Support when personal and family challenges are getting in the way of your work product. Asking for grace allows people to help you and offer the support you need. But folks won't know what you need unless you're willing to share. An easy opener?

"I'd love to have a conversation about what is going on with me personally so you can have an awareness around why I may not be showing up as my best this week. Do you have some time to chat?"

or "I'm having some scheduling challenges related to closing down my late father's home. I need a bit of flexibility for how I show up in the coming weeks and may need to work remotely in order to fulfill my obligations both here and around his affairs. Can we have a conversation about what that looks like?"

Don't get defensive. When you need to ask for grace, be careful not to slide into defense if you don't get the response you were initially looking for. Getting defensive is dangerous because it can demolish any grace you may have received.

Join the conversation by leaving us your comment, or send in your new questions and scenarios for Amber.

She may respond with a relevant script just for you. You can?submit your specific question or scenario here.

See you in the next issue!

[Submit your question to receive Amber's inclusive communications guidance in an upcoming issue of this newsletter.]

The Self-Advocacy of Champions

Several weeks ago during a match, tennis champion - and now U.S. Open Winner -Coco Gauff expressed her frustration to the U.S. Open chair umpire after she thought her opponent, Laura Siegemund, was slow to get ready for her serves several times.

First, I am proud that she spoke up.

Second, I am proud the crowd stood behind her because THAT’S really what #allyship is about.

A few lessons we can take away from her advocacy on the court:

?? - Allyship: Sometimes you don’t know HOW to speak up, or you’re not in the POSITION to speak up but you definitely should stand behind the person who is doing the speaking up.

?? - Authority: We tend to think speaking up doesn’t belong when someone has authority over us but just because someone has authority doesn’t mean they are exercising it appropriately. To a degree, this umpire had some power over Coco, so a direct confrontation during the match was a bit of a risk.

But unless you acknowledge, call out bad behavior, and are willing to risk further losses by speaking up, nothing changes. More damage will be done.

?? - Timeliness: By addressing the umpire IN THE MOMENT instead of holding her issues until the press conference allowed for CORRECTION. Instead of allowing her complaints to become a matter of debate LATER, Coco spoke up in the moment and communicated what she found unfair. Sometimes we will suffer a thing and then wait to address it on the back end instead of addressing it in the moment. But when we delay speaking up, we miss out on the opportunity to see a different outcome and set expectations about how we are treated.

Brava, Coco. Brava. ??" -?Amber Cabral

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Amber Cabral?is an award-winning inclusion strategist, certified coach, speaker, and author of two books,?Allies and Advocates (Wiley, 2020) ?and?Say More About That (Wiley, 2022) . Through training, coaching, and speaking, she helps organizations, diversity and inclusion leaders, and high achievers appropriately disrupt the status quo to invite the innovation, momentum, and diversity of thought necessary to achieve their inclusion goals.

A people-passionate, idea-generating, strategist, Amber develops inclusive leaders and cultivates diverse and equitable cultures for Fortune 500 Organizations with $50B in sales and small 5-person organizations alike.

By applying new and existing knowledge and using her knack for creating vulnerable spaces, Amber leads a team of strategists at?Cabral Co ?to bring safety, authenticity, and honesty to difficult topics.

Amber is best known for sharing respectful, authentic, and no-nonsense training, strategies, and content. Her delivery is rich with simple tools, impactful steps, and eye-opening insights that inspire behavior change.

Amanda Miller Littlejohn ?is a thought leadership brand strategist, executive coach, and writer. With a career spanning 15 years across journalism, public relations, and coaching she has been a pioneering voice on personal branding - teaching her students and clients across the globe to package their genius ideas, strategies, and services so they can contribute their most impactful work.?She works as?an executive coach and executive storyteller ?helping senior leaders build powerful thought leadership platforms to increase their revenue, relevance, and recognition. Follow Agency Thought Partners for more on thought leadership, and Package Your Genius Academy for more on personal branding.

A lifelong writer, Amanda wrote the foreword to Say More About That.