How to Argue and Win Every Time

By Kent Giles, MPPM

“Remember that how you handle conflict says more about you than whether you win or lose the fight.” Kent Giles

Bestselling author, Dale Carnegie once said, “The only argument you ever really win is the one that you avoid.” There’s great wisdom in Mr. Carnegie’s philosophy. The reality is that no one really enjoys being around argumentative people. In fact, arguments are like an acid that erodes the fabric of relationships and should be avoided wherever possible. 

Objective

This article will help you avoid arguments by learning how to disagree agreeably and win others to your way of thinking.

Four Steps to Disagreeing Agreeably

The four steps to disagreeing agreeably are:

1.    Fight or flight?

2.    What evidence do I have?

3.    Cushioning the blow

4.    Delivering your evidence

Step 1: Fight or Flight

Human beings have a natural fight or flight response. This response helped our ancestors “pump up” to fight the lion, harvest the delectable wildebeest and survive attacks from rival clans. Today, most of us don’t have to fight predators, hunt for our dinner, or run from spear toting enemies. However, we do find ourselves in verbal confrontations.

In any disagreement, our fight or flight response can trigger deep emotions such as anger, resentment, hatred, or fear.  If we’re not careful, these emotions can cause emotional reactions that result in broken relationships, damage to our reputation, and, even, violence. For these reasons, we need to learn how to remain calm under fire and not trigger our primitive fight or flight response. By remaining calm and in control, we are better able to stay in our “reasoner” mood where our higher brain functions best. In this state of mind, we are better able to make our case in the most persuasive and effective manner.

Remember, disagreements handled appropriately can be healthy and allow us to learn and grow. We just need to pick our battles carefully and make wise choices about which topics to debate and which ones to dismiss. Instead of allowing our emotions to control us, we must learn to control our emotions.

Before wading in to a disagreement ask yourself the following questions:

1.    Is the matter worth disagreeing over?

2.    Is it more productive to just overlook it?

3.    Is the disagreement worth the cost in emotional energy and time?

4.    What is the upside to disagreeing? What is the downside?

5.    What is the impact on my reputation?

6.    Is the person intelligent and emotionally stable enough to handle disagreement?

7.    Will I or others suffer if I don’t stand up for my/our position?

Not everything in life is worth arguing about. Unless we want to be viewed as argumentative and have people avoid us, we must learn to pick our battles. Remember, no one really ever wins an argument, because arguing divides people. If you “win”, your opponent may wait for an opportunity to pay you back. If you lose, you may resent the other person for defeating or embarrassing you. Once the fight or flight response is triggered, it’s like trying to close Pandora’s Box. You can never take back your words or actions. For these reasons, it’s always better to preempt an emotional response and exercise self control.

Topics to Avoid

When considering whether or not to engage another person in debate, it’s generally best to avoid troubled topics. These include sports, politics and religion. These topics and others like them can garner deep emotions and can be debated endlessly without any logical resolution. For example, a Muslim and a Christian are not likely to agree on the path to heaven. A liberal democrat is not likely to ever agree with a conservative republican on affirmative action. An Alabama fan is never likely to agree with an Auburn fan on who has the best team. For these reasons, it’s best to avoid discussing such topics unless you know your audience’s point of view ahead of time.

Gain Perspective, Apply Empathy

The world is full of hurting people. John Maxwell once said, “Hurting people often hurt others and are often hurt by them.” When hurting people hurt us, we have to decide whether the offense is important enough to address or if it would be wiser to simply overlook it. One technique that can be used to avoid being offended by hurting people is to seek to understand them. 

If a person acts rudely, instead of getting angry, give them the benefit of the doubt. Say to yourself, “Well that was ugly. Perhaps he had a fight with his spouse this morning or lost his job or has a crisis in his life that makes him act that way. There but by the grace of God go I.”  This thought helps us humanize the other party and respond with thoughts of compassion and understanding rather than anger or outrage. It also depersonalizes the situation. “He’s not really attacking me. I just happen to be in his path. I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time.” This technique helps us to avoid harmful emotions. It also keeps us in our reasoner mood, the mode where we think and act our best.

I once was in a Sunday school class where we were discussing the book of James and the need to control our tongues. I began to share a current event about a certain political figure that was known for speaking his mind recklessly. Before I could finish my statement and make my point, the teacher interrupted me and said rudely, “No! We’re not going there! We’re not getting into politics!” His rudeness was inappropriate since he had arrogantly assumed that he knew what I was going to say and cut me off. I was righteously angry and my fight response was triggered. Then I recalled Proverbs 19:11 (NIV) which says “A person's wisdom yields patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an offense.” I also thought about the best interests of the class and how my engaging him would not benefit other people. I simply remained silent and moved on.

Self Control, Trumps Loss of Control

Self controlled people learn how to take control of their emotions before allowing their emotions to control them. The ability to overlook real or imagined offenses is important to our reputation and will reduce stress in our lives. Remembering that over 65% of disagreements are misunderstandings also helps provide perspective. If we allow our emotions to override our self control, we will likely make matters much worse in any given situation. The anger and stress that accompany heated conversations can have very negative consequences on relationships, our self image, our career, and our health.

For these reasons, anger and its outcomes should be avoided at almost all costs. Proverbs 16:22 (KJ) says, “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit (emotions) than he that taketh a city.” This means that avoiding the fight is more important than the ability to win the fight and winning in life starts by winning the war within. As my old martial arts master said, “Best defense, no be there.” Stop the fight before it starts and you will win the day.  

Two Risks

There are two risks in disagreement. The first risk is in letting things get out of control. The second is in not standing up for an important position and feeling victimized. Neither situation is acceptable. For our own personal well being, we need to learn how to handle conflict in a calm but effective manner. Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. Being meek is not the same as being weak. By learning to disagree agreeably, we will positively influence others and not leave a trail of broken relationships in our wake.   

Watch for the Right Hook

Unfortunately, there are people in this world who enjoy upsetting us. The most maniacal of them will try to hook us into an unwinnable argument. Their goal is to draw us into a conflict and gain an unfair advantage. They are like the basketball player who throws an elbow when the referee isn’t looking. As the crowd protests, the official turns and witnesses the victim retaliating. The result is the primary aggressor gets away with the foul and the victim gets ejected from the game. Don’t let aggressive people take you out of the game. No matter how righteous your anger, you will lose.

Instead, counter punch by showing self control and win the sympathy and respect of the crowd with your evidence. While you may lose the battle, you can still win the war. In the long run, hot heads and bullies lose. Professional self controlled people win!

Step 2 What Evidence Do I Have? If, after thoughtful consideration, you feel that you should engage in a disagreement, ask yourself the following questions:

1.    What do I think?

2.    Why do I think that?

3.    What evidence do I have that my position is correct?

Evidence in support of a position can include any of the following:

1.    Demonstrations: This event demonstrates my point.

2.    Examples: Here is a situation that clearly supports my position.

3.    Facts: Scientific/documented facts supported by research or that are generally accepted.

4.    Exhibits: Real world items that make your point.

5.    Analogies: Stories that have a logical tie to your point and make it easy to understand.

6.    Testimonials: Examples of your personal experience that reinforce your point.

7.    Statistics: Data from surveys or research that prove your point.

The critical question when selecting evidence is deciding which form of evidence will be the most convincing. Our goal is not to fight, but to persuade others. This requires considering our audience. Some people are more moved by facts and figures while others are more compelled by testimonials and examples. Some facts are also more persuasive than others. The key is to know what will convince your audience.

Step 3: Cushioning the blow: Once you have your evidence ready, “cushioning the blow” is a technique that allows you to acknowledge the other person in a friendly manner and keep the lines of communication open. You don’t have to respect their position, but you should handle things in a professional manner.  Remember that letting your negative emotions show will only make you look bad and hurt your case. It may even make you the loser. Studies show that people respect us more when we remain calm and reasonable in times of conflict. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Below are examples of cushioning statements:

 “If I were you, I would probably feel the same way.”

 “That’s interesting, I had not thought of it in that way.”

“I can understand where you are coming from and have friends who feel the same way.”

These statements sound reasonable and show that you have considered the other person’s point of view. These statements are also “you” rather than “me” oriented and show empathy.

When making a cushioning statement, never use fight triggers such as “but, however, or nevertheless” because these words are to debate what a jab is to boxing. They telegraph that you are about to strike.

Below are examples of trigger words and phrases that should be avoided:

“If I were you, I would probably feel the same way. However, (here comes the counter punch)”

 “That’s interesting, I had not thought of it in that way. Nevertheless, (here comes the rebuttal, better get my counter punch ready)”

Instead of listening to your evidence, trigger words can cause others to tune you out while they prepare their rebuttal. Therefore, it’s best to simply move into your evidence quickly before the other party feels like you’re disagreeing with them. By avoiding trigger words and moving into your evidence immediately, you have the best opportunity to be heard. 

After the cushioning statement, proceed to your evidence as follows:

“If I were you, I would probably feel the same way. My experience leads me to believe that (Where’s he going with this? Does he agree with me? I’ll need to listen and see.)”

 “That’s interesting, I had not thought of it in that way. You know, I recently read an article on this very topic that said... (What’s coming next?) Does he agree or disagree with me. I have to listen and see.)”

Step 4: Deliver

After your cushioning statement, it’s time to deliver your evidence convincingly. Since evidence defeats doubts, it is important to compile your evidence carefully and select the points that will be most persuasive. If you need more than four seconds to pull your evidence together, then you can always ask a question or two to buy thinking time. If you still need more time, postpone the conversation until you are ready. It’s always better to be prepared than to try and support your position with weak evidence.

Use Questions to Clarify and Buy Time

For example, you are confronted with a suspicious line of questioning by your cost accounting department related to an expense on your last report. The cost accountant asks, “Did you buy beer and expense it to the company?” You think. His tone tells me he’s trying to get me in trouble. How should I respond? Instead of answering with an immediate denial, you ask, “Which line item are you referring to?” This accomplishes two things. First, it gives you time to consider what you charged and the reason for it. Second, it ensures that you understand what he’s talking about specifically. The cost accountant says, “Line 12 shows a $6.99 expense at a grocery store for beer? You know we don’t allow you to purchase and expense beer. It’s against company policy!” You then recall the event and reference it on your expense report and say calmly with a hint of helpfulness in your voice, “Was this expense for Oct 3?” This gives you more time and avoids you looking guilty. The accountant says, “Yes.”

You have now looked at your calendar and say, “Oh yes, that beer was a host gift for our client who invited me over for dinner. Since I’m in sales, I’m allowed to buy a client a nominal gift or food item up to $25. This is standard practice. It was approved by my boss. It is also an appropriate custom in our region. If you notice the note, I documented the client name and business purpose, client gift.” 

The cost accountant looks at the note section and to his embarrassment says, “Oh. I see your note now. Thanks for the explanation. I’ve approved your expense report.” He then quickly ends the conversation and flees in his embarrassment.

Plan Ahead

Another useful tactic is “planning ahead.” For example, an energy policy lobbyist who represents oil interests can prepare and rehearse an elevator speech that includes facts about the virtues of oil fracking before he debates anyone. An evangelist could develop a simple plan of salvation along with scriptures and a personal testimony before sharing her faith. A new salesman will learn an elevator speech so that he can effectively tell customers about his product. If you can identify areas of potential disagreement in advance, preparation is well worth the effort. It is also essential for people who aren’t fast on their feet.

Friendly, Reasonable and Confident

When delivering your evidence, be friendly, reasonable and confident.  Don’t run at the mouth with a long monologue. Make your points succinctly and convincingly using your evidence. Stay calm, cool and in control and you will win the day!

Summary:

?When engaging in a disagreement, seek to do so in a calm and dignified manner. Remember that how you handle conflict says more about you than whether you win or lose the confrontation. Some people have won the argument by being more aggressive only to be viewed negatively by their coworkers, friends and family. In the end, words can and do hurt others and people will remember how you came across more than what you said. 

Proverbs 18:19 says, “An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars.” In disagreements, we should always seek to stay calm and in control.  No matter how justified our anger, anger overrides self control and makes us vulnerable to many risks. By following the principles in this article, you will be able to win others to your way of thinking and enjoy greater success in life. How to Argue and Win Every Time!