How an Apology can Repair Relationships

It’s easy to feel as though saying sorry is some kind of magic word or Jedi mind trick that, when executed correctly, can get you off the hook. “Abracadabra! I’m no longer in trouble!”

Young children often first learn to trot out their “sorry” so quickly that they don't understand what they are saying sorry for. How many customer service policies expect the same? Indeed, many companies operate a scale for proving how sorry they are: late delivery = refund delivery charges, customer disappointment = ￡10 “goodwill voucher” (to be used as part of spending more with the company, of course), an actual minor mistake = ￡20 voucher and/or a free gift…. Still didn’t work? Send to the escalation team who have greater powers to grant higher vouchers, more gifts or even actual cash…

So what is an apology really for? When is it effective and why?

Done right, an apology isn’t only about the feelings of the recipient, it improves how the giver of the apology feels too.

Perhaps most obviously, saying sorry to someone you have hurt, upset or wronged relieves your own guilt. Guilt stems from empathy for the victim of our actions. Without empathy we have no reason to regret how our behaviour negatively impacts others, but when we empathise we share a little of what they feel. When we see the connection between their emotions and our actions, the regret that we feel is guilt. And if our apology can relieve the wronged person’s distress, we also remove part of the recipe for our own guilt.

A prompt and heartfelt apology can halt the erosion of trust in a relationship, and it can also build trust even where it has never yet existed. Apologising sincerely is evidence of your integrity, and it is an opportunity for a meeting of minds. You don’t need to have a prior relationship for that to be beneficial. Some of the firmest friendships are founded on a genuine apology and a mistake forgiven.

When a person who has caused you loss expresses their contrition, it becomes much easier to empathise with them in return and offer them forgiveness. Like apologising, forgiving can be as freeing for the forgiver as the forgiven.

So when and how will an apology work? Fundamentally, when it genuinely restores accord, understanding and empathy, when the apologiser is acknowledging and seeking to understand the feelings of the recipient, and when the recipient is able to appreciate and accept the remorse and regret expressed. The pitfalls of a bad apology are many, but they all come back to that one standard.

If you want to use an apology to move a relationship forward, don’t try to apologise for something you are not sorry for! Even if you think that you can pull it off to be convincing to begin with, then the very fact that it is believed will put you into that new phase of the restored relationship and you will be found out. And then where will you be? Apologising for the insincerity of your first apology. An apology spiral with ever reducing chances of acceptability.

The timing of your apology can give you away too. Don’t apologise by rote so early that it is inspecific or looks like you are trying to deflect blame. Like the child who blurts out “sorry!” over their shoulder as they continue to run headlong past the precious vase they smashed, apologising before you could possibly have understood or felt the consequences of what you have done will seem hollow and callous.

Wait too long, however, and you risk appearing to be holding out for some kind of transactional atonement. Even if you mean it, giving the hurt party long enough that they feel they must ask for the apology will weaken its authenticity. And if your apology is not believable then it won’t be acceptable.

Which brings us to the question of whether an apology has any value if it has to be negotiated. Can you ever demand an apology? Is it real if it’s forced? Again, we come back to the question of mutual understanding. If an explicit request for an apology helps the two parties to make sense of each other, then it is part of communication which builds common ground. But if a demand does nothing but force an insincere apology motivated by threats or bargaining then it hasn’t moved the parties towards any greater consensus, and its value is doubtful.

There are times when a long period before an apology is legitimate. If part of what you are apologising for is your refusal to empathise, or your inability to see why your apology is necessary, then a very sudden change of heart would probably seem insincere. Rather if, after a gradual period of turnaround during which you have had time to reflect on your experiences, you return (unprompted) with an unqualified apology then it could be the most convincing and welcome of them all. This takes some pretty poor behaviour to begin with though, so try in the first place to avoid needing to bring it out.

Whenever you apologise, demonstrate that you understand the circumstances and the issue, but don’t make excuses. Be specific about what happened, and talk about the things you are sorry for that you had control over: don’t say “I’m sorry you feel like that” but rather “I’m sorry *I made* you feel like that”.

Explain the circumstances and show that you understand what happened, so that you can reassure the hurt person that you know how to prevent it happening again. Avoid making excuses as if you are trying to focus on the reasons it still wouldn’t be your fault if it did happen again.

Show concern, demonstrate action and offer reassurance.

If you are apologising in person, use open body language to express your sincerity: open palms, shoulders back, don’t fold your arms or loom over the recipient of the apology. Physically demonstrate that you are listening and checking that you are being understood: make eye contact and use facial expressions that communicate active listening. Be natural: don’t make grand rehearsed gestures which look false. Show humility: lower your head and communicate your vulnerability. Finally, and this is the one that will get you every time, avoid gestures or actions that could seem like insincerity: smirking or eye-rolling certainly, but anything that suggests that this is a performance. Because sincerity is a lifelong task!

Appearing sincere in your apology is a long commitment, and if you are hoping to fake it you must never drop the facade. The best trick I can offer is to find a way to actually be sincere in the first place.