How to Apologize Like You Mean It

One day not long ago, my nine-year-old daughter had a bit of a blowup at a playdate, and we ended up reading together the book Zach Apologizes by William Mulcahy. Side-by-side, we learned how to deliver a four-square apology, and it dawned on me that this simple framework could be even more powerful in the adult world.

Heartfelt apologies can have profound impact. They can begin the process of reconciliation between countries formerly at war, or restore trust after a dramatic failure.

For example, in More Than Words: Apologies As a Form of Reparation, the International Center for Transitional Justice praised the apology made in 1991 by Chilean President Patricio Aylwin:

When Aylwin presented the report of Chile’s National Commission for Truth and Reconciliation (Rettig Commission) in a televised ceremony broadcast across the country, he made it clear that the state was responsible for crimes committed by the Pinochet dictatorship; that state agents conducted enforced disappearances, torture, and extrajudicial killings; that state institutions failed to punish perpetrators and prevent violations; and that society as a whole shared a responsibility for what had happened.

In her 2014 testimony to Congress, GM CEO Mary Barra apologized for her company’s actions with regards to an ignition-switch recall, saying, “Today’s GM will do the right thing. That begins with my sincere apologies to… the families and friends (of those) who lost their lives or were injured. I am deeply sorry.” (You can find more on this at HBR.)

Of course, it’s easy to bungle an apology. Many organizations - and people - say the words “sorry” but then go on to express exactly the opposite sentiment. “I’m sorry we got into a fight yesterday, but when you criticized my ideas I just lost my temper.”

That wasn’t an apology, it was a statement that blamed the other person.

(The above is adapted from Zach Apologizes by William Mulcahy.)

Here’s what works, according to the four-square approach. To deliver an effective apology, you should say:

1. What I did to hurt others: Start by being specific. How did your actions hurt others? Did you take too long to correct - or discover - a problem? Were you rude, nasty, or insensitive?

Skip the part about why you did it or how someone else might have triggered your actions. Focus on your own actions.

2. How they felt: Your job here isn’t to tell others something that they already know. It’s to demonstrate that you know it, too.

Here’s the rub: the odds are pretty good that you don’t yet fully understand the answer to this question. If you are apologizing on behalf of a large organization whose actions impacted numerous people, be extremely diligent in gathering your facts. The worst thing you can possibly do is misstate or minimize the depth and breadth of pain you have caused.

3. What I can do differently next time: Now starts the process of rebuilding trust while you simultaneously construct a plan that should prevent you from repeating the same mistake.

You probably know someone who says “sorry” so often, it becomes a habit. For them, it’s easier to apologize than act differently. Don’t fall into this trap. For example, if you are apologizing because the quality of your products has been inferior, you should explain how you are changing both your manufacturing and inspection processes. If you are apologizing for being a bit overbearing in a meeting, explain how you plan to give everyone a chance to participate next time.

4. How I will make it up to them: Did you think “sorry” would suffice? That would be too easy. If you caused pain or suffering, it’s your responsibility to both alleviate it and bear the burden of any related costs.

In other words, accept responsibility in every respect, rather than in words only. If you lead a company, accepting full responsibility may have significant and severe costs. But the sooner you bear them, the sooner you will rebuild trust and be able to move ahead.

Did someone lose income because of your error? Consider replacing the loss. At a bare minimum, offset as much of it as you can.

Are you wondering why I cited a children’s book?

Too often in business, leaders become more focused on appearances, rather than values. For example, there are countless corporate communications guides to a crisis, and most talk about managing perceptions.

But we don’t teach our children to manage appearances; we teach them how to be moral and decent human beings. In the pressure to compete successfully and turn a profit, we must not forget that our children learn more from our actions than our words.

So let me leave you with this question: if your nine-year-old was watching you apologize, would you be 100% comfortable that you were modeling the correct behavior?

Pamela Meyer is the CEO of Calibrate, a Washington DC based deception detection training company, and author of the book LieSpotting. Her “Top 20” TED Talk has been seen by over 15 million viewers worldwide.