How To Apologize With Courage

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a disagreement with someone close to you? Maybe it was about something small like where to go for dinner or something large like who should be held accountable. Regardless of the issue, it still went sour and now you need to apologize but how? In the book "The Five Languages Of Apology" by Gary Chapman, he identifies five languages of apology as follows:

1. Expressing regret: this apology language is an emotional language – it seeks to express to the other person that you feel pain that with your words or behavior you hurt them deeply.

2. Accepting responsibility: This apology begins with the words “I was wrong” and goes on to explain what was wrong with your behavior.

3. Making restitution: This apology language seeks to “make it right.”

4. Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behavior: This apology seeks to come up with a plan to keep the bad behavior from reoccurring in the future.

5. Requesting forgiveness: The words “will you please forgive me?” are welcome to sounds to the ears of the person whose primary apology language is this one.

Let's take an example where one partner wanted something different at dinner than what was served--a disagreement ensued with both partners becoming frustrated and annoyed.

Perhaps they said harsh words to each other without meaning them or had negative thoughts about themselves because things weren't turning out how they expected--and now one wants an apology but not really sure what language their partner speaks best.

Try the following phrases and statements:

- "I'm sorry I upset you. What can we do to make it right?" (Apology Language for expressing regret)

- "Please forgive me for my impatience with your decision." (apologize sincerely for what was wrong about the behavior and ask forgiveness; this is most likely how a partner whose primary apology language is requesting forgiveness will understand the statement.)

- "I was leading up to say something that would have really helped us solve our problem but now I realize it doesn't matter because we're both so mad at each other." (express regret about past events in order to show understanding of one's contribution to current problems--this is more effective if accompanied by an offer or plan).

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If your relationship is like any others in the world, it's likely that you have at one time or another had a disagreement with your spouse. Oftentimes these disagreements can escalate into something bigger and more painful than either of you intended.

- "I want to apologize for the way I acted." (express regret about past events in order to show understanding of one's contribution to current problems--this is most likely how a partner whose apology language is expression of sorrow will understand this statement.)

An effective apology must not only be sincere but also demonstrate empathy and humility. It requires us to take responsibility without making excuses or blaming others for our behavior so we can rebuild trust with someone we've hurt, damaged by relationship if there are upsets in the future. If you find

Take a listen to this Speak Brave podcast episode and learn more about Five Language of Apology for yourself.