How to Apologise

Elton John said it best – sorry seems to be the hardest word. Maybe that’s why so many leaders (Scott, Gladys, Dan and co) fail to deliver an apology that makes the grade when the time comes to admit that they or their organisation have done something wrong.

As a media trainer I regularly guide people in the art of apology. I also host a podcast The Hardest Word which consists of real people making real apologies.

I’ve listened to hundreds of apologies and even scored one from unlikely apologiser Donald J. Trump.

Apologies really matter and are easy to get wrong – just ask Collingwood Football Club president Eddie McGuire who now has several bungled apologies on his record.

Note to leaders: apologies are an ancient construct. The highfalutin idea is that an apology can be given, received, accepted and that a new page will be turned. What a cute concept! It rarely happens like that today when more people demand more apologies than ever but are less likely to accept and move on. That’s showbiz so gird your loins, make your apology and take what comes – whether it be more angry tweets or a group hug.

Here’s how your organisation can make an apology that leads to forgiveness:

Attitude: It’s time to get your humble on. That’s why so few people deliver meaningful apologies – or any apology at all. You need to accept that you are in the wrong. You need to feel and demonstrate that you are duly chastened. That’s tough for a most organisations and for leaders in particular.

Take us to your leader: an apology must be delivered by the person in charge if you want to lend your apology authority. This means that leaders may have to apologise for behaviour over which they realistically had no control. (That’s why they get paid the big bucks.) One speaker is usually enough – don’t apologise by committee.

Faster, faster: quickly decide whether you need to apologise. If you do, deliver the apology ASAP as an apology delayed is an apology denied. Be pro-active - a court-ordered apology is an oxymoron – just ask ex Chief of Staff for Tony Abbot turned conservative pundit Peta Credlin.

Face-to-face is best: written apologies give you the ability to hone your messages but they lack emotional impact so consider delivering your apology face-to-face or via video. Serious apologies must be delivered person-to-person. You can then go public later.

Do not apologise to a small group via the media or social media! Social media is fine as a way to speak to the general public but you need to make an effort to connect with those that are due your apology.

Content: keep your apology simple and direct. Don’t spin, obfuscate or meander – keep it short and simple. Don’t bury your lede – get to the apology pronto. Skip the positioning statements such as Rupert Murdoch’s “this is the most humble day of my life” or Eddie McGuire’s instant classic: “This is a historic and proud day for the Collingwood Football Club.”

Ensure that you specifically say that you apologise, that you are sorry and that you regret. Use those words more than once.

Phrases and sentiments to utilise:

“I was wrong and I am sorry.”

“I apologise to everyone we offended.”

“We are ashamed of our behaviour.”

“That was the wrong thing to do. It should never have happened.”

“I spent too long denying the truth and ignoring our critics. Our delays only made things worse”

“Here are the changes we are making…”

Phrases and sentiments to avoid:

“To anyone we offended…”

“If we’ve caused any offence…”

“We have a plan to fix this…

“We’re glad to close this chapter and move on…

Hang them out to dry: If someone needs to be named and shamed, name and shame them as per this example from anti-Trump campaigners The Lincoln Project who discovered that one of their own was making sexual approaches to teenagers and young men:

"John Weaver led a secret life that was built on a foundation of deception at every level. We extend our deepest sympathies to those who were targeted by his deplorable and predatory behavior. We are disgusted and outraged that someone in a position of power and trust would use it for these means."

Audiences: direct your apology to specific separate audiences or individuals and name them. Be sure to have a clear hierarchy. Your staff may feel they – not your donors - are due the lion’s share of your apology.

Gags: This is a rare occasion that I recommend against using humour. Play it straight and don’t try to charm your way back into the good books. That’s for later.

The perpendicular pronoun: The CEO or leader making the apology should use the word “I” rather than “we” even though this may seem inappropriate when speaking on behalf of a company. Using “I” better implies that the speaker genuinely takes responsibility. Perhaps alternate the "I" and the "we".

No conditions apply: from time to time we see attractive retail offers from retailers offering us a bargain accompanied with an asterisk indicating that conditions apply. Our hearts sink. Similarly your apology must be wholehearted and unconditional. Resist the temptation to list mitigating circumstances as it dilutes your apology.

Script? Do you need a script when you are fighting with your beloved? Of course not. The words pour out of your mouth because you’re speaking – at least at that moment – from the heart. Similarly the CEO or leader making his apology should be able to make that apology with minimal reference to notes or script. Reading out an apology word-for-word from a piece of paper weakens the apology. That’s the sort of thing people do on advice from their lawyers.

Video news release? A long time ago a short-lived Governor General Peter Hollingworth issued an apology in a series of pre-recorded video grabs to be distributed to television news services. This was on the advice of a blue-chip public affairs consultant. It was stupid advice. The raw video clips were leaked and made him look calculating and insincere – after all who needs a script and rehearsals if they’re making a sincere apology?

Emotions: your leader’s apology must not look robotic. Emotions are good but blubbering and gushing are not.  (The sort of bollocks we see when YouTube celebrities apologise.) Cynical audiences will interpret this as the speaker being self-centred, self-pitying and “all about herself”.

Remedy = sincerity: I was contacted by the CEO of a fundraising company on a Saturday afternoon. He was in crisis – it had been discovered that he’d been underpaying dozens of staff for a number of years. He wanted help with communications. “What compensation are you offering beyond back pay?” I asked. “None,” he replied. The call ended soon afterwards. Sincerity matters in apologies. Evidence of a remedy being sought or generous compensation being offered voluntarily and in good faith, demonstrates your sincerity. Take remedial action before apologising.

By the way, one of the most powerful expressions of regret is senior people losing their jobs. Not retiring, not moving sideways – but getting the sack. Just saying…

Rinse & Repeat: don’t think that an apology is a one-off. Repeat your apology to different audiences via different channels ad nauseam until people are sick of hearing it. By this time your leader will certainly be sick of saying it.

Brett de Hoedt is a presentation and media trainer. He hosts award-winning podcast The Hardest Word. He is also the Mayor of Hootville Communications. A great many people owe him an apology.