How to answer "How are you?"

Hello, reader. How are you?

I ask because I’ve been thinking about that all-too-common question and have been experimenting with how best to answer it. I’ve settled on a response that seems to be working (for now).

When I’m asked, “How are you?” I answer…

“7 out of 10.”

Or “6 out of 10” or “8 out of 10,” depending on the day.

I never liked the answer “fine,” which felt too reflexive and not self-reflective.

And “good” or “great” felt a bit too braggy for me.

My problem is this: I like normalizing the idea that our lives are complicated. I like acknowledging that nothing is all good or all bad. Real life is gray, not black and white – especially now, in these stressful times.

For a while, I tested out this answer:

Them: “How are you?”

Me: “Good in some ways, struggling in others. You know, the human condition.”

This was not a popular response. I was told it was off-putting and clumsy.?

Then my friend Karen Bergreen – a great comedian – suggested saying “7 out of 10.”

I’ve tried Karen’s response, and I like it. It acknowledges the complexity of life, but it does so quickly and without derailing the conversation. Plus, it’s flexible -- you can adjust the number according to that day’s mood.

People have generally responded positively to the “7 out of 10” answer. I usually get an understanding nod or a chuckle. Occasionally, people will follow up and ask, “Why 7 out of 10?” That’s when I quote The Dude from?The Big Lebowski?– the sage of the bowling alley – who responded to the “How are you” question with…

“You know, strikes and gutterballs. Ups and downs.”

I’m a fan of The Dude’s answer because it gives a little more information, but not too much detail, since most people don’t want a disquisition on my personal challenges and victories. On the other hand, if it’s a close friend, and they?do?want to hear the details of my life’s strikes and gutterballs, then they can inquire further.

I should mention that I don’t always use the “7 out of 10” answer. Occasionally, I’ll use another tactic. I’ll respond to “How are you?” with something that plops us right into the middle of a conversation. That way, we skip over the awkward early searching-for-a-topic phrase.

For instance:

Them: “How are you?”

Me: “Well, Julie and I just saw a crazy movie, so that was fun.”

To which your average conversation partner will say, “What was the movie, and why was it crazy.” And boom, you’re talking.

Or else, if it’s someone I know, I try to answer with something specific to their lives.

Them: “How are you?

Me: “Okay – and better since I read/ate/watched your new article/recipe/social media video. I really liked [specific detail here].”?

One final thought on the “How are you?” conundrum: My friend, the social scientist Spencer Greenberg, has another solution. He says we should replace the “How are you” question (and all of its cousins such as “How’s it going?” or “How are you doing?”) with this question…

“What are you excited about nowadays?”

That question often yields better interactions. And I like that it’s open-ended – people could be excited about a book, an idea, a relationship, a trip, or a new way to respond to “How are you?”

Would love to hear how you respond to How are you?

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