How Angry Music Saved My Life

It was a sunny Monday morning, and my mother had just finished her fourth round of circling my middle school while I worked through palpable tension.

I was always a socially anxious individual, but puberty was rough. It always is.

However, as someone who was later diagnosed with anxiety disorders, I cannot say with due regard that anyone else had it worse than I did. And so we circled... and by "circling," I mean just that: wrapping that damned car around the school.

I could never bear the thought of entering; I always feared my own shadow.

I feared social interaction, which is something you would never guess about me in context. I seem, on the surface, to be a rather sociable individual.

Perhaps even extroverted in its own light.

It was not always that way. Middle school was a time of great duress. I had just lost my grandfather, and I was always a very skinny child.

I filled myself out later on, thanks to my father's genes, but for a while, I was teased as "anorexic," though I still wonder if those anemic plights from distraction were even aware of the actual disease itself. It would not surprise me if half of those students even knew what "anorexic" was, yet it still hurt.

It Was Not Mindless

But it was not mindless rounds around a school parking lot that helped energize me to get out of the darned vehicle. Rather, it was what I was listening to.

Take a gander at the below, and tell me if this sounds like a lot to you:

"F**k it all, f**k this world, f**k everything that you stand for" - Slipknot

Yeah, it sounds a bit pedantic, albeit, angry, but that was what saved me.

A study by Lean Sharman found that when 39 subjects were given so-called "angry music" to listen to, their level of concentration actually increased.

This is in line with something called "catharsis," if you know the word. Many, unfortunately, do not. However, the fact is, we find ways to blame facets we do not quite understand on other facets we do not quite understand.

Cathartic Energy

You get angry, and so you throw a plate, shattering it into tiny shards of glass. You suddenly feel better. However, you still have a mess to clean up.

That is the duress of catharsis. In the times of our ancestors, we were taught to use angry energy to hunt, to fight, and, in turn, to survive.

This is why words like: "F**k it all" were so effective in relieving my social anxiety. Eventually, after my fifth round of a Slipknot track (later replaced by Eminem, later replaced by a handful of other metal bands), I would exit the vehicle...

...and I would have a great, inspiring day.

Fast Forward

Fast forward roughly twenty years and you will find me here, healthy and happy. I have a Master's degree, I am working a full-time job as a Business Development Manager for a company I love, and I have never been more proud of myself.

Yet there was a time when I never thought I would make it through the day. I will not touch bases on the many issues I faced, and I admit this is not like my typical article, but I had to get a point across today, and not to make you laugh.

Or cringe.

I just want you to listen.

Some of us are not born with the right tools for success.

I was, but I was bullied, teased, and beaten up far too many times to count.

And with that said, I was eventually diagnosed with major, major depression - something I still struggle with, even at present. A long time ago, that manifested itself into suicidal thoughts. Ironically, the music I listened to kept me alive.

If it had not been for angry music, I would never have survived. I recall blasting my first heavy metal album. It was like pouring gasoline on hot coals.

I was energized, and that is the point of this article: that if you do not have an outlet for your stress, you will do something wildly stupid.

Columbine

We all remember the 1999 Columbine shooting.

Before I get to whom they blamed, let us try to justify the ends with the means. 34 teenagers were shot and killed by two gunmen who attended the school.

They were bullied, and victimized, and eventually, they snapped.

They entered the school that day with 32 homemade explosives, several assault rifles, and they have even replicated a video game level to represent their school. It was supposedly a way of mapping out their attack.

Two hours into the shooting, however (this has a point, I promise!), there was a window of time where the cafeteria doors were open, and police had a straight V-line to take out the two gunmen. For whatever reason, they were ordered to stand down. And so, for four hours, the massacre raged on.

Today, we find blame in the strangest places, but nothing could be stranger than attributing Marilyn Manson's music as the reason for the attack. Manson was crucified as a scapegoat because they happened to listen to him.

Many studies (click the link for a whole bunch of them) have actually rectified the notion that metal music has positive properties. That point I promised? Well, it is found in my yearly trip to Hell Fest, a music festival spanning across three days. It is quite possibly the angriest music concert you can imagine.

The Screams

There is something about angry music that I have found rather paradoxical: those festivals, where you would casually expect violence, are where I tend to meet the most positive and well-meaning individuals on this very earth.

Now, I cannot say that for all of them, but I do know this: in a mosh pit, unlike in real life, you pick up the person whom you knock down. Case closed. Mind you, I am a firsthand account of how positivity can be generated from cathartic anger.

Back to me circling around a school, what got me out of that car? It was words of wisdom that were disguised as anger, and that is what I am here to point out. We may not understand why, but we do not need to. As said in "Terminator:"

"Anger is more useful than despair..."

So for today, have an open mind to what your children may be listening to. My mother hated metal music...until our first Slipknot concert. Then it all changed for her. She went from a scapegoat to a believer after a three-hour lineup.

If metal music works for my mother, it will sure as hell work for you.

Next time you feel angry, pump some Metallica. It works every time.