How am I doing? I'm hurt, dawg. Don't ask me if I'm alright.

I can’t sleep much these days because my mind is constantly racing. A lot of people have been asking how I’m doing so I guess this is for them.

Like many people, I’ve been thinking a lot about the plight of Black Americans today. In the past few days, I’ve had numerous conversations, discussions, and debates with loved ones and even a few folks who’ve taken issue with some of the content I’ve shared on social media. I believe hearts can be changed so I’ve been open to some debate. I stand by what I put out so I’m good with whatever I say. If it strikes a nerve, then thank goodness! Something worked.

Introspection

The one thing I continuously think about is that it’s 2020 and it’s almost assured that my great-grandparents and their family before them didn’t envision this reality for me today. They didn’t envision that their 20-something, Ivy-league educated, Catholic-raised, God-fearing, family-nurturing, friend-loving descendant who genuinely cares about the world would live with apprehension that he could die at any moment due to the simple fact that his skin is Black.

And to be honest, those qualifiers are complete BS because none of that should even matter. Even if I was a high school dropout, atheist, anti-establishment orphan who had been to jail and hated the ideas of marriage and families as institutions — the only thing that should matter is that I am a human. For that reason, I deserve to live with the same basic rights and humane treatment as any white person.

When I’m critical of things or looking for solutions to problems, I always aim to start questioning from within. Some days lead me to be upset with myself for things I might not have control over or things that I can’t make sense of. Like how come I don’t know more about my own history? How can I engage my family in a more valuable way regarding our status as Blacks? How come I’ve allowed myself to associate with people who have clear and blatant disregard toward the negative treatment of Blacks at any time in my life up to this point? How come I have to live in a world where as soon as I exit the house I’m conditioned to “always keep one eye open” and to “always stay sharp” because of my Blackness? Why have I ever adjusted my appearance or tone or actions in order to play into some non-Black person’s perception of respectability in order to be seen as someone worthy of interacting with?

To be clear, I’m angry. I’m hurt, and quite often I’m infuriated by responses I’m seeing from some people who lack understanding.

I’ve voiced only a few questions that many Black people have grappled with, and the deeply troubling part of all this is that these are likely the same types of concerns that my great-grandparents and their family before them had to deal with on a daily basis. All because of the color of their skin.

Observation

Beyond that, I’m frustrated with non-Black people who are quick to pop off at the mouth questioning why Black people are so enraged and why we are expressing it in ways they don’t deem “acceptable.” I’m not saying I condone all the destruction going on, but I for sure understand. Why don’t they question and investigate our own country’s police force with the same incessant zeal they love tapping into to vilify Black people?

A lot of people are seeing anger expressed via protests and looting in the news, and that publicized outrage is causing covert racism, police brutality, inept political policy, and myriad other societal shortcomings impacting the Black community to be brought to light. My issue is that lots of people are seemingly noticing this for the first time when the reality is these things have been going on for DECADES. CENTURIES EVEN! If you’re surprised, know that we (Blacks) aren’t new to it, we’re used to it. You’re just finally seeing it thanks to the proliferation of social media.

Historical context

I’m by no means an expert historian so for any academics who happen to have eyes on this, please extend me your grace this one time. For anyone else reading, I implore you to take a second to consider some of the past transgressions committed against Blacks at the hands of police and government organizations like the ’92 LA riots, the ’85 Philadelphia bombing, COINTELPRO’s infiltration of the Black Panther Party, Selma’s Bloody Sunday, and FBI, NSA, and CIA collusion in the assassinations of Malcolm X and Martin Luther King, Jr.

People expressing reproach toward today’s protests seem to either neglect or be ignorant of these past events. And please know that these are BARELY the tip of the iceberg when it comes to atrocities committed by WHITE, RACIST people against Black Americans. And this has all happened in the last 80 years, which is just one — ONE — lifetime. The racism embedded in the systems that caused those events to happen STILL has air to breathe to this day, which fuels a lot of the rage we are seeing let out right now.

Compassion

I’m literally sitting here pulling on my hair because I’m at my wit’s end. But it’s not because I care too much, because I don’t believe that’s possible. It’s only possible to not care enough. That’s why I hate when people make the tired, lame quip, “Why do you have to always make things about race?” whenever anyone makes an effort to call out mistreatment that stems from racial differences. Not enough people care enough to think about that!

I just feel like non-Black people don’t truly understand how all our lives — outside of the normal classes we take in school, which focus on history as it was written by white Americans — we Blacks spend a lot of time in our own homes learning how slavery still persists in different ways. Behind closed doors, we learn how to “appropriately” behave in America as Black people due to our own (oftentimes traumatizing) Black history, which is uniquely intertwined with the history of America as a whole.

Now, each Black person’s experience growing up is inherently going to be unique for various reasons (e.g., some Blacks grow up in the inner city versus the suburbs versus affluent communities versus the country. Or some Blacks grow up in the south versus the west coast or the northeast or the midwest). But don’t even think too hard about all that, because, as we clearly see today, Blacks as a whole across the country are still viewed and treated by police and our federal government as LESS than.

Birth Child/Black Child

The simplest way I can explain MY understanding of the troubling relationship between racists and Black people is to do it through a mock family. Take some time to humor me by bearing with me in this hypothetical:

Let’s say a set of white parents from the east coast has a white child they birthed (Birth Child). They love and support and feed Birth Child as best they can. It’s theirs. It came from them. They love it. They create home rules that give Birth Child structure to grow with the intent to help it flourish and prosper.

After a few years, they adopt another child who is Black (Black Child) right before moving to the west coast. Their reasons for doing this are not altruistic but mainly stem from their belief that Black people make good companions. Black Child is now in a new area with a new “family” it doesn’t recognize or know, but has no choice but to begin coping. It has to live. 

The parents try to assimilate Black Child into their ways of living (i.e., rules, structures, beliefs) without taking too much time to consider how they might need to alter their settings to create an environment that benefits Black Child’s development while also loving Birth Child. They really just want another person for Birth Child to lean on and intend to keep nurturing an environment that primarily benefits Birth Child. But they don’t have the capacity to also create more resources for both children so they have to divvy up the resources they do have between them. Moreover, they don’t plan to give Black Child the same amount of resources as Birth Child, but rather just enough to get by and sustain.

So Birth Child now has to cope with having less than what it’s used to. As opposed to having the whole pie it’s used to having every day, it now has to share ? or ? of the pie with Black Child. Objectively, it’s not much to give up in the grand scheme of things, but in the eyes of Birth Child, it’s absolutely terrible and unfair. Rather than being open to sharing since they have to inhabit the same space, it views Black Child with disdain and contempt due to the structure the parents have put in place for Birth Child and the special loving treatment it receives. Birth Child keeps asking itself why Black Child has to be in its space and take what it rightfully owns even though Black Child did not ask to be there and has done whatever it can up to this point to fit in.

As they grow, Black Child naturally needs more resources in order to sustain, still not as much as Birth Child because it adapts and figures out ways to get by with what is only necessary, but it does need more. Birth Child increasingly lashes out at Black Child for speaking up and asking why things are so different between how they live even though they live under the “same” roof and rules.

As the children become adults and Birth Child sees that its blatant and outright (and sometimes physical) mistreatment towards Black Child merely earns it a slap on the hand from its parents, it becomes savvy and discovers ways to demean and belittle Black Child that are not obvious, but still hamper Black Child’s mental and physical state, which causes Black Child to ultimately, begrudgingly accept having fewer resources than Birth Child receives.

As Black Child resolves to learn more about the rules that are in place, it notices how unequal their situations are. So every so often, after asking through written letters, calculated discussions, thoughtful video recordings, and even monetary donations to Birth Child, it loses its cool and destroys some of Birth Child’s items in order to gain Birth Child’s direct attention just so that it can be heard and request a few more resources to level their playing fields. Each time this happens, because the parents passed down their rules and resources solely to Birth Child, Birth Child scornfully makes a few edits to the rules in favor of Black Child or sets aside a few extra coins, and Black Child, happy to make any sort of gain, accepts the small win and rides that out until another unbearable circumstance inevitably occurs. And when that happens, it needs to plea for more resources, ultimately still not equaling even half of the resources available for them. They continue this way for as long as they live.

This is real life

My Black ancestors didn’t ask to come to America. They were forcibly brought to America. When they were brought here, as a whole they were not allowed to roam freely. They were forced to serve as laborers, both physical and sexual. They were quite literally owned as property and viewed as ? of a person. As time passed, and they began to find their voice and request some of the resources they saw white people in power enjoying — basic and simple things like land to live on, food to eat, jobs to work — white people noticed their adaptations and stayed two steps ahead by making adjustments to the rules so that even as Black people thought they were making gains, the white power structures were remaining ever in white people’s favor as their white ancestors had established.

Black people were many times denied these requests and at times had to go to extreme lengths (like running away from their owners, or protesting, or rioting) in order to be given even the smallest concessions in order to better their way of living. Most times these methods of expressing their wants were not understood or received by racists because those people were so caught up in their own worldview and the societal structures THEY were comfortable living under. They did not want to change things TOO much in favor of Black people so that they (whites, racists) could keep their white ways of living as comfortable as possible regardless of how uncomfortable life was for Black people. The whole time, though, they preached to other countries that we are a UNITED conglomerate of states, while they themselves didn’t fully adopt this idea of unification.

This BS cycle continues today. For centuries Black people were born into a system that simply was not designed to allow us to flourish. Because of that, Black children’s’ parents and grandparents (having seen the turmoil inflicted upon the Black community during their own lifetimes) coach us on how to live “accordingly” and behave in a way that is complicit to the wants and desires of the racist institutions and systems in power so as not to risk our own livelihoods.

It’s a messed up cycle that has not truly been broken. We’re all seeing that now.

Broaden your understanding

Flourishing Black communities have been conspired against, looted, and destroyed time and time again in the past and our country has never properly addressed these issues. Where’s the “never forget” for the past atrocities like the destruction of Black Wall Street? America loves supporting a good rebellion until Black people do it.

I encourage everyone in a rage about the destruction right now to broaden your scope of understanding. You may not condone the destruction and looting happening right now (and, quite frankly, it’s not for many of you to pass your moral judgment on), but you’ll almost certainly better understand WHY people are out there screaming for attention.

We don’t have all the answers just like you don’t. But after countless attempts to write to leaders, to engage in debates, to record thoughtful videos, and to even give up our precious monetary resources in efforts to have our lives viewed as equal to those of whites — all to no avail — we have no other recourse but to destroy some shit and make you do a double-take so that we can finally get our point across.

We are TIRED of seeing our community die as a result of structures our ALL-WHITE, MALE forefathers put in place that we had no input in. We simply beg — and beg — and beg for rights that might have our lives finally viewed as equal, which, at its most positive level, currently results in amendments and alterations to a non-comprehensive constitution of the people rather than a justified upheaval and complete restructuring to laws that benefit the broad array of people who currently inhabit the U.S.

So to anyone who’s read this far, in the words of the great Ed Reed, all I have to say is “I’m hurt, dawg. Don’t ASK me if I’m alright!”

If you found this piece worthwhile, please share it. And from here, I encourage you to engage in meaningful discussions and to engage in actions that respect and uplift Black lives within your social and professional circles. Thank you.