How To Address Conflict At Work (And Get What You Want)

By Ashley Stahl, Originally Published in Forbes

Confrontation.

Chances are, the thought of this word alone makes your heart sink.??

Perhaps you would rather bury the issue deep down inside than address it head-on, and move forward. But, the reality is, difficult conversations and issues are bound to come up, and conversations unsaid have the power to hold you back in your career. In fact, employees spend an average of three hours each week involved in conflict. Knowing how to effectively handle confrontation is a skill that you need to build in order to get ahead in your career.??

In fact, studies have found employers rate verbal communication skills (4.63 on a five-point scale), ranked higher than teamwork and the ability to solve problems. Needless to say, how you communicate matters.

There often comes a point where avoiding an issue is simply no longer an option. While I hope that you handle most of your workplace challenges before this “point of no return”, you’ll want to be adequately equipped to approach the conversation with confidence and the communication that will allow you to get that end result you need.?

Whether you are inquiring for a raise, addressing an issue with a coworker or dealing with a disgruntled customer, I have found three simple steps to having a tough conversation that will get you back on track to resolving the conflict and building a positive future.

Step 1: Name the fear and your goal.

Admitting your fear shows vulnerability, and if you have ever watched Brene Brown’s TED talk on vulnerability, you will hear her say that “vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage”.? When you walk into a conversation showing your courage and your emotion, it opens the other person to be more receptive to talking. This does not mean oversharing. This does not mean crying. It just means, being vulnerably honest.

After a statement of vulnerability, express your hope.? This immediately puts the conversation under a positive lens and becomes goal-oriented. This could look like:

• You have a deadline approaching with a looming issue: “I had a bit of fear bringing this up because I don’t want to cause any delays.? My hope is that, by having a quick conversation, we can create an even better product for the client.”?
• You have a scheduling conflict with a work event: “I am concerned about letting the team down in sharing that I won’t be able to attend the event.? I would love to talk with you about how to make sure everyone feels supported on the big day.”
• You have to cut back the budget on a project: “I am afraid this news will disappoint you, and I want to find ways to keep things moving forward while we consider alternative funding options.”

Step 2: Take responsibility for your needs.

Entering into a conversation filled with blame is a quick way to place others into a defensive mode. When you need to address a looming concern, moments like this require you to lead with “I” statements instead of words that can be deemed as blame words, such as? “you…”.

Before you walk into the conversation, do a little self-reflection to understand where you need to clean up your side of the street, as it relates to this work issue. Blaming others has been found to be a defense mechanism and constricts our sense of choice, while self-reflection expands upon it.?

Take a moment when you feel calm, and list out ways you could be responsible for the issue, as well as actions you can take to create resolution.? You may find a great solution during this exercise and walk into the conversation excited to share it.

Remember to focus on your needs rather than criticizing any of their actions. Also, remember to focus on the issue and not the person’s character.

Step 3: Ask for their help in a resolution.

Confrontation is all about transparency and collaboration, not defining a winner. That means you can’t just tell them your suggestions and move forward with implementing them. Instead, enlist their help so that you are both part of the solution. Data has confirmed that when colleagues develop routines together, they are more successful, especially when you harness the unique talents of each coworker.??

Generate ideas for a resolution together and then plan how you will both move forward with implementing the plan into action.? Open this portion of the conversation with a request for their help.?

The next time you are faced with a confrontation, walk through these three steps. Let’s face it: five minutes of confrontation, no matter how awkward, is better than months of stress or resentment.

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