How to 'A.C.T.' in a Crisis

During my last years' attempts at writing, one article was harder to write than the others. It was called "I Didn't Need Help."

It was a personal account of some traumas I've been through, along with how those had negatively impacted my professional life. It was a statement of recognition that, after 41 years on this planet, I needed help in recovering from those traumas and being able to cope more effectively in day-to-day life.

At the time, it was cathartic to write, jotting down some of the unique challenges I'd been through and publishing them for people to share in my failings and see that it was OK to do so, admit you need help and finally get help.

The feedback was very positive. Lot's of warm messages and comments, recognition for the fact I'd been brave enough to admit I needed professional help for the stresses and strains I'd endured.

About three months ago, I deleted the article. That's because:

• Looking back a year later, I could see I'd written in a distressed state of mind, weaving in and out of the justified anger that had resulted in the hand I'd been dealt.
• I received the help that I needed (from some individuals but also professional advice)
• As part of the gradual solution, I needed to stop focusing on the way that things outside of my control had affected me and instead start to change those things I could control.

Through the last half of 2019, I emerged from what I'd liken to a 'prison of the mind'. Driven by a new way of thinking and helped by those I loved, I started to effect change in my life.

Mindfulness, positivity, and incremental progress were vital. Being in Switzerland, virtually alone, was not the right choice. The high-pressure career was not suited to me at the time. There were friends and family back in the UK, with a focus on a new future, new growth, and taking care of those things that really mattered to me.

Coronavirus Blues

The move back to the UK ended up being accompanied by some significant challenges. The exciting plans I had to move back to London suddenly disappeared, instead heading back to my hometown, Peterborough. The back and forth with the handover of my Swiss apartment significantly stressful and then falling ill with COVID-19 and being self-isolated for weeks.

That all shook me, but as I got better and thought about focusing on the next steps with my studies and career, the UK lockdown reared its head. In fact, the world went into lockdown. The buoyant economy, where finding another job would have been relatively easy, wasn't going to be around anymore.

For a short while, I relapsed into the old me. I felt angry and aggrieved that my hugely positive outlook had lain in ruins yet again. A global crisis had landed itself right on top of my situation.

But here's the thing:

Nothing really matters

The professional help I received last year focused on acceptance-commitment therapy (or ACT).

It's characterized by exploration and acceptance of what can and cannot be controlled, and a commitment to change that allows you to live a values-based life regardless of emotional challenges.

When I say "nothing really matters", that's disingenuous. Of course, it does. What I really mean is that those things you cannot control, the ones that impact you, but you can't change; those will always have an impact throughout your life.

They might be events like a Pandemic. More commonly, it's that most perplexing of things, "other people."

When not at my best, I have had a propensity to focus on the "other people" involved in a decision I don't like, acting in a way I don't like, as the 'root of all evil' and, by process of deduction, the cause of my own misfortune or predicament.

In some cases, I'd be justified in saying so. But ultimately, where does that get me? Nowhere.

So, those things (and people) we cannot control, do matter - they have a, sometimes profound, impact on our emotions - but they shouldn't be the focus. Instead, we need to focus on positively dealing with the negative emotions we feel as a result of these external factors.

If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim; 

How does one positively deal with negative emotions? As part of ACT, there is a key lesson in the concept of diffusion. That is, observing your thoughts without being ruled by them. It requires a step back. A common misconception in modern life is that Happiness is a natural state of being for everyone. If you're not happy, then you're not normal. No negative feelings should exist; we can control what we feel.

Well, that's all simply nonsense. Negative feelings can and should exist. There's no quick fix, but remember, they are just thoughts and nothing more.

A key question I now ask myself before embarking on my old self-destructive path of internal rage.

Is this happening "to me," or is it simply happening?

It's a way to diffuse the anger I can sometimes feel and to stem the propensity to blame or lash out. If I can think of something simply 'happening,' I can instead focus on what is in my control.

How can I move on from my newly 'managed' negative thoughts? Well, that is achieved through the commitment part of ACT. It's about taking affirmative action to change the current situation. As an example, over the past six months, I have tried to focus on taking positive action in a number of areas and in recent weeks tried to step that up:

I am committed to being healthy. It sounds a little selfish, to be focusing on my own well being at a time of crisis. But how can I expect to help others if I'm not in a fit state myself? I am running again, and for the past months, I've made sure I am doing one form of physical exercise a day, from serious workout sessions to going for a walk.

I am committed to learning. A sense of achievement does wonders to validate one's self-worth. By broadening my horizons, I open up a world of new opportunities. I can't find new opportunities without learning something new. Having applied to an EMBA back in December I have now passed my accounting module. I also managed to certify with ACEDS. The IAPP beckons. I'm committed to organising my study and driven to do well.

I am committed to 'being there' with others. Through the therapy, I saw how I'd sunk into myself. "Other people" had been the cause of much anxiety, so being by myself was safer. But that's a lonely existence. I've started to reach out to old friends and colleagues and reconnect. They're only a Zoom chat away. And by doing so, I can be there for them too. Heaven knows we all need each other right now.

I am committed to being present. Yeah, yeah, we've all heard it. Mindfulness. I mean, new-age tree-hugging hippy c*@p, or what? But it really makes a difference. Rumination of negative thoughts can really rule how we think and act. By taking time to focus on the moment, we can help stave away negative emotions. I'm now an avid, if untalented, artist. I'm taking walks in our local country park and noticing the wildlife. I'm taking time to 'zero out' the pressures and the delights that the supposed 'new normal' might bring. As a result, I'm suddenly able to pay much more attention to things I am doing 'right now.'

No Panacea

I don't for one minute think that from this point forward, my few months of working on these commitments will bring all the fruits I'd like. Nor that by simply committing to them, I'll actually achieve them. The 'new me' is the old me, just with perhaps a healthier outlook to the future and less looking to the past.

I don't for one minute think that my negative emotions will be gone forever; they will taunt me. Simply by accepting that these emotions exist and they are allowed to exist but not making them the focus, it helps immensely. By committing to moving forward positively, I can make negative thoughts much less of a defining factor in how I react to situations.

Of course, I'm not telling anyone "How To ACT," and I'm no mental health professional. The concept works well for me (sometimes) and it might not for others. If you're struggling with your own challenges, then it's always best to open up to friends and family or seek professional help as soon as you are able. There's a slightly more detailed description of ACT here.

Anyway, just thought I'd share :)

Martin.

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If - BY RUDYARD KIPLING

If you can keep your head when all about you  

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

   But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

   Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating, 

And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

   If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

   And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

   Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

   And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

   And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

   And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

   To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

   Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

   Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

   If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

   With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

   And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

Source: A Choice of Kipling's Verse (1943)