House of Terror

“You know how it is said in the movies, “there was a look in his eyes I had not seen before,” I never understood what that meant until I had my own experience. I saw in his eyes nothing but rage, it was like he was possessed by someone else, by something else... a demon” – Bolu

If you have ever lived with a person who has a short fuse, then you would understand that this lockdown is one of the terrible things that can happen to some people. When you are walking on egg shells in your own house, striving to be perfect to avoid hateful remarks, but still not able meet up then you would understand what it means to live in distress. I can imagine how a person living in fear must feel in this moment. What I can’t imagine, however, is the amount of hope they have of escaping the emotional, mental and physical torture they are experiencing on a daily basis because of this lockdown. Before now, they could escape the reign of terror with the occasional daily breather when everyone goes about their day only expecting to face the evil they live with every night. In this case, they can come home mentally prepared. But with this lockdown, I imagine it is a barrage of abuse every night and day which can eventually wear anybody out. This is what some families are living with in this lockdown with no end in sight. They are scared out of their minds not knowing what next to expect. Is it the calm and loving individual who they’ve come to love and respect or the beast within this individual that finds every opportunity to rear its head? One of the many sad things about living with an abusive person is that you want to give them the respect that should be accorded any individual but their alter ego shows itself often enough to remind you that they don’t deserve to be loved. You’re stuck in an emotional limbo. How do you love someone you hate deeply for the pain they’ve cause you? They have caused you so much pain that you cannot find a place in your heart to give them the love and respect that was once there. Everything is gone. It’s all gone. You’re broken and crushed. All the good memories you have of them have been suffocated by the tensions you feel daily. The tensions that are reinforced with every bruise cause by slaps and punches. They are now at the end of the rope you gave them that you thought was so long. Now is the time to leave but there’s a lockdown in place and you can’t go anywhere. You are trapped in your own house. Your house where you have been robbed of the right to maintain control over your own life. You live in fear in the one place you should always feel safe. A place where you try to be perfect but even perfect is not enough to avoid assault. A place where dying in the hands of someone you love is a possibility. If you have never lived such a life, you can never understand. It is no way to live.

Homes like these raise children that constitute nuisance to the society. You can’t help but notice the relationship between domestic violence and delinquency. In a bid to escape this torture, children from abusive homes have a higher tendency of committing suicide than those not raised in abusive homes. They may even go as far as killing their abuser if they are old enough to defend themselves. They are more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, commit sexual assault crimes and in trying to fend for themselves are involved in theft, robbery, juvenile pregnancy, murder and so on. Their social development is impaired as they feel socially isolated, unable to make friends as easily due to relational discomfort. Some of these children lose the ability to feel empathy for others. They show signs of very aggressive behavior like bullying, and are involved in fighting a lot. It is no wonder that they grow up to be just like what they saw growing up. 

These children learn very early about the use of violence to exert control in relationships. They think this is normal since this is the life they have always known. Studies from various countries show that rates of abuse are higher among women whose husbands were abused as children or who saw their mothers being abused. No surprise there, the cycle is a continuous one. We then ask why the society is not moving forward. How would it?

We have let these wicked individuals turn their homes into ones filled with victims. They want to be in control so bad that they lose control of themselves. They thirst for power and become very possessive. They think the people around them are the ones with the problem and so have refused to look within to see they are the ones with the problems. They are emotionally dependent on their partner and have refused to grow. These kinds of people are ruled by their impulses and do not realize they are being controlled by the evil that lies within. They have low frustration tolerance that they have not dealt with. Imagine a machine going around looking for someone to destroy except that they aren’t filled with bullets and bombs but hate and rage, that’s them. They are extremely explosive. Manipulators. Liars. Sadists. They blame everybody but themselves thinking nobody loves them and that people are out to get them. They are often depressed people who pretend everything is normal who then turn to alcohol to numb their pain. They never take responsibility for their actions. In short, they are practically adult babies. They have turned their homes into a horror show and feel no remorse about it. These people do not deserve to be roaming freely on the streets but they are. 

Our laws have continuously overlooked their terrorism like they don’t exist. It is sad that people like these still exist. It is even sadder that the people who live with them most times refuse to speak up. But can you blame them? When they do speak up, more often than not, no action is taken against their oppressors. These victims are led to believe they are in the wrong. We like to think that our society is moving forward and that we live in a woke culture, but in most parts of the world, victims of domestic abuse are still stigmatized. Imagine a police officer asking a woman what she did to warrant a beat up from her husband. That is the society we live in. We act like domestic violence is frowned upon but when these issues come to light, law enforcers are nowhere to be found.

A lot can change if more and more of these issues are brought into the open. As long as violence in the home is seen as shame on the victim, victims will live in silence and the violence will continue. People need to know that domestic violence is damaging. It is damaging to the physical, mental, emotional and psychological well-being of a person in a lot more ways than we can imagine. Being someone who was exposed to such cruelty just for a short period of time, I felt at a point like I could no longer make the right decisions. Cowering at the sight of my oppressor. Now imagine a whole family breathing the same air with such a person for an extended period of time. It is no way to live and it has to be stopped. Cultures (there are many) that validate domestic violence and believe it has little to no impact must be challenged. They are the ones with traditional believes of the roles of men and women who see no wrong in domestic violence. They don't care about whatever is happening within that home, the wife has to stay or she is a shame to womanhood. A mentality like this has to be eradicated before substantial change can occur.

Governments must put in place policies that punish perpetrators of such brutality. They should be treated like criminals and their victims must be protected. It isn’t much different from slavery. It is emotional slavery. Maybe there is a little breather here and there when you are away from them but that’s it, in their presence, there is fullness of fear. It should be treated as a criminal offence. The emotional and psychological effects may not be visible but the bruises and marks on the body of the victims is enough evidence that no human should be permitted to do such to another person.

Criminalizing domestic violence sends a message that violence is in no way acceptable and it shouldn’t be treated as a private matter. It is on the rise all over the world during this lockdown. It is an epidemic and the offenders should be treated like plagues. The problem now is that the plague is walking around in your house and there is a lockdown where you are required to stay indoors. Do you stay in a place you call home and die in the hands of a person you thought you knew or go out and risk getting infected by a virus you know nothing about? This is the reality of millions of people. The next time you think this lockdown is bad for you, think about those living in abusive homes and give thanks for your situation, unless you’re one of them in which case I feel really bad for you. You should tell someone. It is no way to live.