The First Month: Building the Map

The first month after leaving Facebook was much harder than I had imagined. I had expected a sudden relief and a period of disconnected recharge. Instead, I felt anxious and lost and I got really busy. I dedicated all of my time either to my family and our house or to external engagement by giving talks and lectures and by talking to a lot of people. The work at home is endless and intense and remains my true North, but the reason I also connected and explored so much outside is I felt a desperate urge to build the map of this unknown territory I parachuted into.

Leaving Facebook I felt suddenly lost.

First the employment status. I didn’t know how to fill the “employer” field in forms and paperwork or how to respond to the very American question “what do you do?” I wasn’t able to say “unemployed” or “in between jobs” and ended up feeling much better about “homemaker.” When giving external talks I get asked “what’s your affiliation?” I’m on the Board of the Partnership on AI… that’s an affiliation, I guess? But when I introduce myself, I like to say that I’m dedicated to helping my wife rebuild her career. We have three kids, the oldest just started college, the middle one is a sophomore in high school, and the youngest will start high school next year.

Then the uncertain finances. My wife stopped working 15 years ago when our second child was born. We now have negative cash flow. I still don’t know exactly how much we spend per year, or per month. I don’t know how long the reserves will last, I don’t know how much we should set aside and never touch. A close friend recommended a financial advisor they fully trust; working with them has been tedious and transformational. Going in detail through every single expense the past 12 months, categorizing, separating the one-offs from the recurring costs has been extremely helpful. Forecasting when we will have an income again, and how much this will be remains much harder.

Then the lost identity. Until now people knew me as the AI leader at Facebook who built the Applied ML organization and who more recently helped build out the Responsible AI effort at Facebook. People wanted to talk to me because I was a Facebook executive. Until now, when I woke up in the morning I knew what I had to do: help Facebook achieve our mission (I still say “our”) and do better. My personal identity was completely tied to Facebook and now this is gone.

Finally, the former camaraderie. A highlight of every work day at Facebook was seeing the faces of friends in meetings. People I have been with in the trenches, weathered storms with. Partners and confabulators in crazy endeavors, some successful against all odds. Some days after the kids are in bed some of my colleagues and I would grab a beer and have a late video conference to go through the day, think about the strategy ahead, vent when needed and support each other always. I am still in contact with most old colleagues, but we don’t speak that often, and not every day. I miss you dearly.

I poured myself into the family and home (but that wasn’t enough).

Shortly after I left Facebook, I drove our oldest daughter to college. She’s a freshman at UCLA and we drove down from the Bay the long way down Highway 1, exploring Big Sur. We had long conversations, enjoyed amazing meals with incredible views, cycled from Santa Monica to Marina del Rey along the beach, visited the UCLA campus and tried to get into all the places out of bounds for visitors.

My son built his first computer. I was there to discuss and listen to the results of all his online research on CPUs (he went with AMD) and GPUs (NVIDIA 3060ti), and what motherboard and memory will work best together, what mixed storage to pick… we discussed budgeting, and stroke a deal where I bought his not-so-old PC from him. I loved to see him care for the penny and put together a really cool machine for a great price. It worked at the first attempt! My biggest contribution was perseverance every time he’d get frustrated trying to attach or connect a component. Older age has some advantages.

My youngest daughter poured herself into her math and physics classes and asked me to help prepare for exams. We’ve probably spent two dozen hours studying together using a whiteboard the past four weeks. Linear models and electrical circuits. She’s even started to teach some of her classmates! We’ve also had impromptu milk shakes right after school, and played music together, she on the piano and me on the guitar.

My wife Ines moved into the work space I used at home during the entire pandemic. An awesome repurposed in-law unit with its own ensuite bathroom, access to the garden, a fridge full of beer and a shelf filled with wine bottles (though she doesn’t use either). This space can be isolated from the rest of the house by closing two doors, and I’ve tried my best to prevent Ines from having to do any work at home. I’d say my journey is 50% there. I’ve cooked a lot, driven kids to different activities, been the person they come and ask stuff. Though I still don’t know where many things are in the house, I’ve improved dramatically!

And then I started to build the map.

A former colleague from Facebook and dear friend is about to take a gap year. He is completely clear: a full year where he will not spend a moment thinking about what’s next. Instead, he’ll travel, do a lot of stuff with the family, read books, learn new things. I envy and admire him, and I wish I could be like him.

I had wanted to disconnect completely right after leaving Facebook, and for at least 3 months. But I immediately hit a wall. I need to understand what my options are before I can pull the plug. Having been so long at Facebook and suffering from a pretty intense impostor syndrome, I needed to know how I can add value elsewhere, who will want to have me, and what things might ignite my passion.

Since I left Facebook, I have participated in 2 panel discussions, 1 fireside chat, I’ve given 1 university lecture and 1 conference keynote, and I am scheduled for another fireside chat with the MIT Media Lab at the end of October. People are more interested than I had thought in some of the things I have to share, in some of the experiences I have accumulated through the years. This is reassuring and it’s motivating me to write it all down.

I have also spoken to many people at large and medium technology companies, at large and at small startups and at startups that are about to start, at VC firms of different sizes, at academic institutions. These conversations have helped me build a map of sectors that are interesting to me and a map of types of roles I could play and ways I could contribute. I understand better what professional activities will allow me to keep supporting my wife’s career.

I don’t have the answers yet. I don’t know which way I want to go, but I now have a map and I feel reassured. I think I’ll soon be able to pull the plug a bit and let my subconscious guide me on new adventures.