Hot Take: You start your 20s with friends. You start your 30s with whoever you have left!

Of all the unpopular opinions I have this might be the most relatable. As you get older you have fewer friends. You speak to fewer people frequently. Your life becomes work and the fun you prioritise (most people have no fun because they think they are too busy to prioritise it)

New Friends?

In my 20s I learnt time and time again that the word friend is pretty fluid. Early in my 20s I basically defined anyone that I hung out with or drank with once or twice as “my friend”, “my boy” or worse “my bro” (this is particularly heinous because I have a brother and he is actually my best friend). You swap numbers, connect on Facebook, follow each other on Instagram, Twitter and Snap and then you realise you have nothing in common with this stranger. You just liked the same song or dated the same group of girls. This is not your friend.?

Work Friends

This was the most confusing part of navigating adult friendships. You can spend literal years sitting next to someone, eating lunch, talking about your family, other colleagues and even your deepest fears but this person is not your friend!?

The story of Ramone

One of my first experiences of this was not actually in my 20s. I was 17 and working at my first job in B&Q. Ramone and I met in my first week. We were a year apart and lived 20 minutes away from each other.?

Within weeks we had synchronised our shifts, lunches and even strategies for getting our female coworker's numbers. Every shift without fail Ramone and I would laugh, joke and do just enough work not to get sacked.?

We spoke about our families and even some of our fears. We even discussed the prospect of getting matching haircuts (this was when I had hair. Another change many of you will experience in your 20s). We put the romance in bromance.?

But there was an issue. Ramone would never talk to me outside of work. I would text him during a shift and get a response. I would text him the next day and crickets! In retrospect, this was a red flag but I was too young to know that he wasn’t “my boy”.?

We carried on working together until one day Ramone disappeared. Without warning. This dude vanished like my first paycheque, instantaneously! I called and texted, and I asked other coworkers “Have you seen Ramone lately?” They would respond “he’s your boy, why are you asking me?”

I even considered if Ramone was my Tyler Durden from Fight Club. Was he just a figment of my imagination??

To this day we are “Facebook friends” which means his birthday pops up on my phone every year and I ask myself “Where the hell is Ramone?”

I’ve met many a Ramone since then. Coworkers who promise to meet up after work. Who absolutely positively insist that they will reach out to you after they start their new job and 99.999% of them never do.?

I have a theory on this. You form situational bonds with people that feel like genuine friendship because it has all the hallmarks of friendship: time spent together, trust and regular communication. The issue is that none of this requires effort. Work brought you together and facilitated your bond. So without work, your work friend has a conscious choice to make: will I make the effort to bring this person into my life outside of work??

Sorry to disappoint you guys in your first job, but the answer to that question is: they forgot your name when they logged out on their last day!

Actual Friends

Your 20s are a time of growth and death. Sounds crazy but things that you held dear need to die (figuratively people! Put that thing down crazy!!!) for you to grow and that includes some of your real friends (again, figuratively! If you don’t put that thing down I’m calling the police myself!)

Old friends can be awesome. You have years of memories, moments and laughter that have bonded you together in a way that’s often hard to explain. This person feels like your sister, your brother or both! Your parents buy special groceries just for them. You planned to be godparents to each other's kids.??

Then one day you wake up in your 20s and realise that the only thing you have in common is the past. It’s been months since you spoke and you barely noticed. You ask yourself how? We used to speak every day! We used to see each other every day.?

Then you realise that this was just another situational friendship. You were friends because you went to the same school. You were friends because you live nearby each other. You were friends sometimes because your parents were friends. Did you have an independent relationship or was it just one of convenience?

This doesn’t apply to everyone but it will be true for most of your old friends. This is the sad and often hard-to-admit truth of friendship. Friendships are seasonal and that should be okay. However when they come to an end, they usually end in a spectacular argument that’s been brewing for months as your differences cause more friction between you, or they end quietly and disappear, almost like smoke into the sky, never to be seen or thought of again until the ever-present Facebook reminder.

Friendship in your 20s.

The reality is that friendship in your 20s is a conscious choice. If you want to have people you share your life with long term, you have to make the effort to build those relationships and actively invest in those relationships. The thing that stood out to me the most is not just being deliberate with your relationships, because that can fill crass and cold. You should endeavour to make friends with purpose. So what value does this person bring to your life? What value do you bring to their life? How are you investing in each other?

In my late 20s, I made a conscious decision to make friends with people up to 10 years younger than me and 10+ years older. My rationale is that friends that are 10 years younger than me live in a world that I can’t even comprehend. They are the change-makers, the future belongs to them. Ultimately, if I’m going to employ them or work with them I need to understand them. They could easily take my job in five years or make me redundant with their innovation, energy and understanding of new technology.?

If you are to grow and stay relevant, you need to be part of what’s happening, you need to know where the future is headed and that requires you to connect with people younger than you. One day you’re gonna wake up and you’re gonna be the old man or old woman in the room. You’re going to look at 22 year old and think that person is so incredibly immature I can barely speak to them. You need to fight that urge. Many 22-year-olds are actually idiots but a good chunk of them are incredibly talented and smart and would bring so much value to your life.

Making friends with people 10+ years older than me is one of those valuable things I did in my late 20s.

At this time responsibility comes at you fast. All of a sudden you’re supposed to have life figured out. The quarter-life crisis is a real thing because we all thought we were going to have a house, a car and a meaningful relationship by our 25th birthday but forgot that all we did was spend the previous 24 years in school! We haven’t invested in owning property, we haven’t saved any money, and we haven’t dated anyone intentionally. We just got older and expected it all to figure itself out. Then in your late 20s, you have a reality check: you have to do stuff to make it happen! That can feel like an incredibly, panicky and scary time, but having someone who is at least 10 years older than you in your life will give you perspective. They give you clarity of thought because they’ve been there and done it. They also know what’s a big deal and what isn’t.?

In the moment getting made redundant can feel like the worst thing to ever happen. Not like the single biggest payday of your life to date. The break up of a relationship can feel like the world is ending. But they’ve been there and done it. They will tell you what it was like when it happened to them because inevitably it has. You’re not the first person to go through it. They can tell you what they did and what they would’ve done better and this is what they would do now. That is invaluable. That calm and clarity of thought will see you succeed in ways that you never thought possible. Make friends intelligently. Make friends deliberately. Form true friendships by investing in those people in your circle. Their age, race or gender is not important. What is important is what you bring to them and what they bring to you.

Cynical Side Note?

Those of you that actually have good relationships with your parents may scoff at the idea of making older friends. “Why would I ask them when I can ask my parents?” Well, congratulations on having well-adjusted and loving parents. Stop showing off! (I promise I’m not jealous ??)

What you may not have realised is that mummy and daddy don’t know everything so getting additional information might be useful. Also, mummy and daddy are probably 20+ years older than you. Things have changed a lot since they were in your shoes.?

This is a part of a series of short articles based on the questions I’ve been asked by people in their 20s. It’s also an aid for me to remember some of the most important lessons of my 20s. Fingers crossed I don’t need to relearn them in my 30s!

I’ll be releasing a new article every month in 2023. Subscribe!