The Horror of Losing an Erection!

To the average man, his penis is his most important possession. From almost the time he is born he is fascinated by it and it soon becomes his best friend. A penis is tied to a man’s self-esteem and is seen as a definition of his manhood.

In my practice I see many young men who believe they suffer from physical erectile dysfunction. They experience great fear every time they engage in sexual intercourse, especially with a new partner.

Most of these clients are healthy individuals who are not taking any medication or drugs. When I take their sexual history, I ask if they lose their erections when they masturbate and most say it usually only happens when they attempt intercourse.

After seeing so many men with these problems, I’ve come to the conclusion that most of them have acquired sexual performance anxiety. When I explain that they don’t have any physical problems but have a psychological condition that can be fixed, they are very relieved.

Sexual performance anxiety occurs when a man anticipates a problem during the sexual act and as a result becomes anxious or panics while attempting to have sex. There are many other insecurities and questions that can occupy their minds: “Will I get hard enough, will I keep it up, how will I compare to other guys she’s been with, will I last long enough, will she tell her friends if I fail?”

All these thoughts can sabotage their performance and they end up losing their erections. This, in turn, exacerbates their anxiety and leads to feelings of sadness, disappointment, guilt and shame. A man’s sexual performance is often perceived as synonymous with his identity and ability to be a man. Sex should be a pleasurable experience but it’s very difficult when men have performance anxiety, especially when they are unaware of the reason and worry and suffer in silence.

The more this happens, the more these men lose their confidence. They may start avoiding sex or become so traumatised they stop having sex all together. This cycle often continues until it is addressed. To break the cycle, they first need to admit there is a problem.

I help my clients understand the issues that cause the anxiety, discuss how to reduce or eliminate them and provide psychosexual education, tips and techniques depending on the problem. They usually don’t need more than one or two sessions.

Loss of erection can also happen to men who have never had a previous problem. Even in a stable relationship, a single event can be a frightening experience and anticipating the possibility it may happen again can become a self-fulfilling fear. Men need to know that occasional sexual difficulties are normal and can happen to any guy, young or old, and that most healthy men occasionally experience erectile dysfunction or failure.

One of my clients, let’s call him Adam, was a 28-year old who’d had several relationships and flings in his life and never had a problem before. He went to a club and met a stunning looking woman who flirted with him and asked him to go home with her. When they started kissing and undressing, he suddenly started to think, “She is so beautiful; she is way out of my league, what if I’m not good enough, what if I can’t get it up”?

And that’s exactly what happened. His date tried orally and with her hands but nothing happened. Adam told me he felt so embarrassed, he could have died. He went home and after some weeks tried again with another woman – with the same result. He became quite depressed and stopped dating for a while.

A major part of performance anxiety is the fear of what others are going to think of you. It’s important for men to be vulnerable and share the problem with their partner. At the same time, the partner needs to be understanding, guiding and supporting of the man by letting him know he can relax, take his time and let things happen naturally.

Unfortunately some women and men, can be tactless, often without realising how hurtful it is, by telling their partners this has never happened to them before or how well their former lovers performed. This only compounds the problem.

Young men also need to be aware that how they treat their health now can affect their sexual performance in the future. For instance, there is a strong link between smoking and erectile dysfunction due to limited blood flow. Smoking can cause hardening of the arteries and delicate penile arteries can be affected and damaged.

There are other important health issues contributing to erectile dysfunction:

• Stress, depression and anxiety - all can affect sexual performance.
• Obesity - being very overweight can make men impotent, although with a change in eating and drinking habits this can be reversed. 
• Heavy drinking - too many drinks affects the ability to get an erection, even with the most desirous of intentions.
• Drugs - party drugs and many prescription drugs can create huge problems.  
• As mentioned before, in most cases erectile dysfunction can be fixed with the help of an accredited sex therapist, which will lead to an overall happier sex life for men and their partners.